Your New Pain Relieving Drug: Love

posted by Michele Olson

Good time to take a look at the chemistry of love. Great re-run story this past week on the Sunday Morning CBS news program, previously run on Valentine’s Day.

Have an upcoming medical test, or even dental procedure you’re not thrilled about? Bring along your honey to hold your hand. They are finding that holding a loved one’s hand through uncomfortable procedures works as well as a pain reliever like Acetaminophen. So…love is a drug! (Here’s the UCLA Study)

From the article:
It's better than Tylenol!" said anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has looked at love for years. She says affairs of the heart are often functions of the brain."The brain is built to respond,"

Fisher said. "We are an animal that is built to love. We're built to love." Fisher, with colleagues Bianca Acevedo and Lucy Brown, did brain scans on couples who'd been in love for decades, and found that the sight of your long-time mate triggers the same brain reaction as new love. In simple terms, one of the parts of the brain involved in rewards and cravings - the ventral tegmental area (or VTA) - is flooded with the chemical dopamine when you do something pleasurable (like, say, eat chocolate) or see someone you're in love with . . . no matter how many years you've known them.

But here’s the downside: the part of the brain that makes true love so durable also makes rejection so agonizing. A broken heart really hurts.

So what can you do to stay in love, that “wonderful, pain relieving , gosh it’s wonderful to be alive love“ we all want in our lives? Here’s some advice from the article.

Tara Parker-Pope and her new book "For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage” gives this advice. According to Tara, there's a mathematical ratio that can predict whether love lasts:

5 to 1.

Five positive interactions to every one negative. (Think things like critical comments.)
As Parker-Pope writes:
"A pat on the shoulder or a squeeze of the hand or a 'Honey, you look pretty today' or 'Gosh, I'm proud of you' or 'I like you in that suit.' Those little moments are highly protective of a marriage, and good marriages have them at least on a 5-to-1 basis.

So there you have it.

Fall in love with someone and your brain is going to help you love them as much through the years as you do in the beginning if you are practicing 5 to 1. They can also help you save money on bottles of Tylenol.

Great article! What did you like about it?

Recommendations: Why not take a couple check up which are available for singles, engaged and married people to make sure this is the person you will be happy to be with for the long haul!

Dominoe Divorce; Uh -Oh!

Posted by Michele Olson

“Divorce is contagious in social networks, a new study says.” That’s the first line in a CNN article.

Having someone divorce in your social circle can up your chance of divorce. Not only that, it can influence your friend’s friend! That’s the degree of separation theory...this time it’s two degrees instead of the popular “six.”

People with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more likely to get divorced than people who don't have divorced siblings. James H. Fowler, a professor of political science at the University of California, San Diego headed the study.

Some Facts From the Article:

· Friends have even more influence than siblings when it comes to divorce, according to Fowler's study. People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends' marriages were intact, the study said.

· The study also revealed a divorced co-worker can increase the likelihood of another employee divorcing by 55 percent compared to an employee who works with non-divorced employees.

· The study also found the divorce influence in chains of friends. For example, a divorcing person confides in a married friend. The married friend doesn't opt for divorce, but relays details of the divorce discussion to a third person, influencing that third person in the chain to get a divorce.


Could it be that misery loves company? Your divorced friend, sibling, co-worker or other family member’s divorce may have a strong influence on you. It makes sense. Say things aren’t all roses at your place and your “friend” laments about how unhappy they are and they have decided to get a divorce.

Had you not engaged in that exact conversation, would you view the everyday rumblings in your own marriage the same way… or has a thought been planted that maybe you too would be happier and the grass greener on the other side of the white picket fence if you weren’t with that person causing you grief right now?

What do you think? Are you divorced and you can point to someone else in your circle of family or friends directly influencing your decision because of their own relationship situation? We’d love to hear your story and words of wisdom.

Remember, thinkmarriage.org has couples check-ups and a wealth of information as welll as workshops to encourge you in your healthy relationship.

Calling Off Your Marriage At The Altar

posted by Michele Olson

How many movies have you seen where someone calls the wedding off at the altar?

Runaway Bride and The Graduate come to mind. But have you ever been at a real wedding when the bride or groom called off the wedding….or maybe it didn’t go that far, and it was called off shortly before the day.

What about this idea: calling off a wedding at the last minute might result in a longer, happier marriage. That’s some thoughts from the syndicated advice column by Carolyn Hax.

How so you wonder?

If someone is having doubts and decides to explore those feelings before going forward, that’s actually a healthy thing. It takes an immense amount of maturity. Imagine that a couple is engaged, but then puts the brakes on a planned wedding. Perhaps one or the other isn’t sure, or they‘ve seen something that is making them wonder. So, they go and get help about what’s bugging them. They understand that marriage as it’s intended is for “until death do us part.”
They want to be totally sure.

They will find out one of two things; either they were right, something could not be overcome, so they choose not to marry. Or they will find a way to work out what the problem is, and find out they can work around it. The point is, they take the time to figure it out before they are married. They don’t just marry to “save face.”

As the article points out; this is a relationship based on openness and trust.

What about you? Do you or did you doubt your decision to marry? What did you do about it?
Let us hear your stories and thoughts.

Remember…you can’t go wrong with doing a premarital inventory to really talk about the important things in life.

Let us hear from you!

The Beauty of the Benefit of the Doubt

posted by Michele Olson

What if you’re wrong about something you are thinking? What if you tried and convicted your spouse when it turns out not to be true, or at least not the way you thought it was?

If you have lived with a spouse that has let you down frequently, you may tend to jump to conclusions faster about something you are wondering about. The proof is in the pudding right?

If you have jumped to conclusions and not been happy with the outcome, ask yourself what a popular TV host tends to ask; “How is that working for you?”

Try these tips instead:
· Reinforce the positive. Instead of pointing out what is wrong, comment when something is done right…even if you are using the “benefit of the doubt” to get there. Notice the first time they do anything near what you were hoping for.
· Don’t let the negatives become more important than the positives. There’s that old adage about how many smiles it takes to wipe out even one frown, and it’s true when living with your spouse too. If you concentrate on the negative, that is what you will see.
· Write down the positives in your own journal. Then when you have a day where you can’t remember them, refer to your “I love my spouse” book…sometimes you need to be reminded why you are crazy about this person.
· Be kind. Give someone a break if they are having a rough time. If you can do that for each other as a couple, chances are you won’t both be on the “down” side of things on the same day, especially if lifting each other up is a habit in your relationship.

Here’s the definition of giving the benefit of the doubt to someone:

To believe something good about someone, rather than something bad, when you have the possibility of doing either After hearing his explanation, I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Why not give that a try today? If you have tried it, let us know the outcomes!

What's the Perfect Age to Get Married?

posted by Michele Olson

Dennie Hughes writing in USA Weekend , in a relation tips column was asked; When’s the right time to wed? The question was posed because the person writing in was finding herself going to wedding after wedding of friends who were also just out of college.

Her answer goes against the early 20’s, but she also does say that getting married in your 30’s is also not an instant golden ticket to marital bliss.

Why?

Yes! Why you are getting married also matters.

* Are you trying to blend in because it feels like “everyone” is getting married?
* Are you worried about when you have children and how old you will be when they are grown?
* Are you looking for something stable in our current world which is filled with chaos?

Dennie quoted Terri Orbuch, PhD, author of Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. Statistically we know that the more years of higher education a woman has before she marries, the lower her chances of getting divorced. If you do the math…it takes to around 25 to have a degree or two. As Terri says; “Educated women tend to be more confident about who they are and less willing to settle for a man who doesn’t meet their standards,”
You may also be more financially secure as a couple….and since people do fight about money, that can be one less area of friction. By your mid twenties you are more likely to know more about your life goals and who you are.

Back to the advice from the USA article:

Have fun at weddings but don’t let them push you into questioning why you are single.
The more dating experiences you have, the more you may understand the type of person that may be right for you.

All good advice, but none of the many articles I read gave this stellar piece of wisdom:
Use the tools that are out there to find out more about someone you are getting serious about.
At thinkmarriage.org we have a check up for seriously dating couples…when you really like the person, but want to know if you are ready for a bigger commitment.

The bottom line; get married because you feel it’s right for you, not because everyone else seems to be getting married. “Everyone else” will not be in your home as a couple!
There is no pat answer for the right time, but it is worth considering the statistics out there. Effort in the marriage will be much more of a way to ensure a satisfying relationship than just age alone.
What do you think? Do you think there’s a perfect time to get married? Leave a blog comment!

Getting Men to Participate in Marriage Education

posted by Michele Olson

At thinkmarriage.org we have healthy relationship check-ups, online classes and workshops you can attend in person. Often we will hear from women that they would really like to participate, but they can’t get their boyfriend/ husband to attend.

Engaged couples can be pretty agreeable, but as the married years go by, it is a fact that if all the women who wanted to attend our offerings could get their husbands to attend, we would have to hire a ton more people to keep up with the demand there would be.

But, that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s the “woman” in the relationship, but more often than not, it’s the man who won’t attend.

I say all that to bring up this point to any man who won’t participate in some type of marriage education; how would you like to escape a stroke?

Yes, that’s right!

Marriage education through the years can be a great tool to keeping you in a satisfying and yes, happy marriage. A happy marriage may help guard men against fatal strokes according to a study by Uri Goldbourt at Tel Aviv University’s Neufeld Cardiac Research Institute.

Men in an unhappy marriage had a 64% higher risk of a fatal stroke than those who reported being in a happy marriage.

Married men overall had a lower risk of fatal strokes than single men.

The study was presented in February at the American Stoke Association and is based on data from 10,000 men surveyed about their happiness levels and marital status, beginning in 1963 and then 34 years later. It measured only fatal strokes, not those in which men survived.

The bottom line is; wedded bliss can lower the risk of strokes.

So, men, if you are resisting marriage education, why not do it for your health…your physical health and the health of your marriage!

Make sure you get one of our free Marriage Myth Buster Guides...Myth #3 involves marriage and health.

Dangling Conversations and Superficial Sighs

Posted by Michele Olson

Dangling conversations and superficial sighs are not signs of a healthy relationship. When a couple stops talking about anything meaningful and all the conversations revolve around children and bills, things are heading south! It reminds me of this song from Simon and Garfunkel. Read the words, watch in on YouTube…and then go to the bottom of this blog to find some conversation starters. Stop the superficial sighs and the dangling conversations!

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

Conversation starters:
*What would be five things you would do if you won the lottery?
*What would you be doing right now if time and money was no object?
*Tell me about a movie or book that you can watch or read over and over again and enjoy it as much every time. What about it makes you love it so much?
*If we woke up tomorrow and were told we had an all expense paid trip for just the two of us…where would you want to go?
*Tell me about someone who really impacted your life growing up. Do you think about the impact they had very often?
*What do you think was the best part of our wedding day/ our courtship/our honeymoon?

Blog right now and tell us if you've been having dangling conversations.

For Better or Worse, In Fame and in Famine

Posted by Michele Olson

Do famous people reflect the pulse of what’s happening in society? Is that why when there’s a birth, marriage, death etc of someone we never met, we still feel like we have some kind of connection to their relationship and we care so much?

Fame doesn’t seem to be a healthy ingredient in the recipe of a good marriage.

Tipper and Al, Sandra and Jesse, and now 'Dog Whisperer' Cesar Millan and Ilusion, his wife of 16 years, have decided to get a divorce.
Meanwhile Rush Limbaugh just got married again, for the 4th time.

All these people have the money to marry and separate pretty painlessly when it comes to finances. We know in the average person’s life, the current economic times are preventing divorce…people simply can’t afford it. Still, we look to these famous names to comment on marriage.

From Bill Doherty’s recent article in Psychology Today:
Rush Limbaugh's multiple marriages is a 21st century American story. As sociologist Andrew Cherlin documented in his terrific book The Marriage Go Round, we Americans are crazy about both pair bonding and breaking up. In comparison to Europe, American's cohabitate and split up more easily, we marry and divorce more frequently, and we go on to remarry and re-divorce more readily. I’m not against hope or against trying again for a permanent union. But as a marriage therapist what I find depressing is people churning through multiple marriages without learning very much—except that they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person (but now it’s different) or that the love went away.

I’m not so sure we can compare “real people” to what’s happening in the world of “famous divorces.” I think the lesson is; it’s even harder to keep a marriage together when fame enters into the picture and even easier to move on to multiple marriages without feeling the day-to-day struggles that every day people deal with through the process. I’m also uncomfortable with using famous marriages as the benchmark for what’s really happening in the health of marriages. Dare we say that if the majority of famous people got divorced and the rest of the world didn’t-we’d be doing really well in seeing a low divorce rate overall.

The truth is; we don’t know these people. We don’t experience personal pain or joy at their comings or goings…it’s more like a wreck on the side of the road from which you just can’t seem to look away.

Famous people will continue to steal the headlines away from the real story. The real story is you. Make sure you participate in some type of pre-marital inventory before you marry. Once married, take advantage of all the opportunities for marriage education through workshops, online and read all the excellent books available.

Famous marriages and divorces are fiction to those of us who don’t really know these people. Any divorce is not to be made light of, but I think we have to be careful of the emphasis we place on deep sorrow over the rich and famous while doing nothing to support marriage in our own community, state, or personal relationships. That’s where the conversation and action about marriage really matters. That should be the headline we care about in the newspaper or blog.

For everyone getting married who hasn’t had their 15 minutes of fame yet, perhaps we can add this to the wedding vow: In sickness and in health; in fame and in famine.

Meanwhile, back in Every Day, U.S.A. if we put our energy into working on our healthy relationships on a daily basis and keep our eyes on how we are doing our best, we will all be just fine.

What about you? Does a famous divorce affect how you view your own marriage? Leave a comment!

A Lesson From Tipper and Al

posted by Michele Olson

Everyone is saying everything about the news that Al and Tipper Gore are ending their marriage after 40 years. Sad? Yes. Unheard of?

Why would we think that?

After reading this article by Ellen McCarthy in the Washington Post, I had to take a different thought pattern than the direction of her piece. Yes, it’s probably more of an accomplishment to stay married for ten years than five years, twenty years than ten, or thirty years than twenty.
You get the picture. But the bottom line is-marriage is not a race with a finish line that once crossed you get a prize. It’s a thriving, ever growing and changing entity based on two people. People are fragile. People are unpredictable. People have free will.

What their divorce says to me is; you can’t ever stop working on your marriage. Ever. Fifty years. Sixty years. There is never a time to “coast” or take for granted what is happening between you and your spouse.

I’m also baffled by anyone basing their assessment of the Gore marriage on happy pictures or perceptions. People in the public eye know how to protect their image…no matter what is really going on. The Washington Post article quotes Terri Orbuch, a marriage therapist and sociology professor at the University of Michigan who recently completed a 20-year study of marriage for the National Institutes of Health. “To really work, long-term relationships need regular attention, regular affirmation on a daily basis.”

You can write a book in 2003 called "Joined at the Heart" as the Gore’s did and file for divorce in 2010. It’s possible you had no idea that you would ever part when you wrote the book. But that’s the point. You can’t take anything in your marriage for granted. It can't always be based on yesterday, it has to be based on today and today always matters.

It’s not the length of time, it the time you put into your marriage on a daily basis that makes a difference for that day. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow you choose once again to honor your spouse.

Ellen McCarthy writes in her article; “But the old adage that you never know what's really going on in someone else's relationship is no comfort here.” I bet if you talked to the Gore’s children or close family members, they did know something was going on…or at least things weren’t as they once were. My parents divorced after 33 years, and our small town and people not in our inner circle were shocked. But those of us who knew them closely weren’t shocked. It is true. The two people in a marriage are the people who make it work. Others can encourage, suggest and support a marriage, but it’s the two people involved that know their own story.

Every divorce is sad, but I do hope that a divorce will never cause someone else to question whether they can have a lasting, satisfying marriage. It is always a choice with many tools available to help along the way.

Rededicate yourself to working on your marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married. thinkmarriage.org is here to encourage you with workshops, coaching, check-ups and resources. Perhaps the Gore’s will change their minds. Whether they do or don’t, it can be a good reminder to each of us to not take our marriages for granted. Each day is as important as the years.

What do you think about the news of the Gore's getting a divorce?

Now That's a Bachelor Party!

posted by Michele Olson

Say the word “bachelor party” and you’ll likely hear hooting and hollering. The same can be said this day for a relatively new term; “bachelorette party.” Women used to have bridal showers and spend the night before their wedding dreaming of the day ahead, but now bachelorette parties are also very common.
.
Looking into where bachelor parties originated, it seems they can be traced back to the
5th century B.C. when Spartans celebrated out a groom's last night as a single man. Spartan soldiers held a dinner in their friend's honor and made toasts on his behalf. In 1896 a party thrown by P.T. Barnum’s grandson, Herbert Barnum Seeley for his brother was raided by police after rumors circulated that a famous belly dancer would be performing nude.

The term bachelor first appeared in reference to an unmarried man in Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales in the 14th century. The term bachelor party didn't appear until 1922, however, when it was first used in the Scottish publication Chambers's Journal of Literature, Science and Arts to describe a "jolly old" party.

A bachelor party used to be a black-tie dinner hosted by the groom's father, with toasts to the groom and the bride. The hazing, humiliation and debauchery is a more recent phenomenon which started in the 80’s, probably in response to movies that served as a suggestive training ground. (1984 Bachelor Party movie starring Tom Hanks)

The question becomes; is that really the way to toast a marriage? Here’s a big shout out and salute to Erik Pedley. This 26 year old from Germantown had his story told by John Kelly in a recent Washington Post article.

Refreshing!

Erik and his best man Bobby Goldbeck and their friends did have a bachelor party, but it involved helping out a school as a group of guys. They aren’t “drips” as the article mentions; they’ve been to the traditional bachelor parties and had some fun.

But they started to question whether the money that was going to be spent could be put to better use, and no hangovers would be had the next day. So that’s what they did. They all got together and found a school that needed some manual labor done and volunteered to show up and work together.

Lucky girl to marry this guy. I predict some happily ever after with that kind of beginning.
What do you think? Is it time to overhaul bachelor and bachelorette parties?

Did you do something innovative at yours?
Share on this blog!

Seven Steps is a Good Start

posted by Michele Olson

I’ve been invited to five weddings over the next few months. As an old married lady of 32 years, it does my heart good to remember back to those pristine days of wedding planning and dreaming of happily ever after.

Back to the days when everything was possible because you had age and time on your side. Heady, glorious days. I wish those same feelings for all those couples who will be saying “I do” in the next few months, a time of the year when many weddings take place.

Sheba R. Wheeler writing for the Denver Post reminds us that the “I do” is only the beginning.

If it were only true that you could have a lasting marriage with only seven steps, we would be ready to eradicate the divorce rate. But it’s a good beginning to start with these seven steps as she talks about in her Denver Post article;
"I do" is only the beginning: Seven secrets to a lasting marriage
Communication, conflict-management and negotiation skills are more important than ever.

In her article she points out that with all the complications of this modern world have come more complications for healthy relbationships. It’s true. For the majority of my marriage; there couldn’t be fights about texting, FaceBook, or computer time. And when my husband and I got married; there were only a couple of channels to choose from.

Couples today need even more skills to deal with everything that is available, the ability to resolve conflicts and communicate effectively takes on even greater importance as time goes by.

Citing several helpful books, the seven areas highlighted include:

· Paying attention to every day annoyances. The famous ones like how to hang the toilet paper roll or squeeze the toothpaste tube, or those that surface in your relationship do matter. They all can convey one message, “you don’t respect me.” That’s why they matter.

· Know when to talk about things. The minute someone walks in the door or in the middle of an irritating moment is probably not the time to say “I wanted to talk to you about this.” Instead, pick a good time, when you are both able to concentrate and listen.

· Use technology to possibly start a topic of conversation, but not have the conversation itself. Save that for in person. Walks are a good time to really talk.

· Stoke the passion. It’s easy in the beginning, but find some things that work for you as a couple to keep the fires burning.

· A 10 minute rule. Spend at least that much time in a day talking about things other than the kids, your job etc.

· Give men affirmations. We ladies tend to get it from sisters, mothers and girlfriends whereas men look to their wives. Of course as any woman would tell you, she would like them from her husband too.

· Don’t live together unless you are planning a married future together. Living together without a plan to marry is more likely to lead to divorce once you do marry.

So there you have it, read the article and get more details on the seven areas.

I would have to add an eighth: take a couples check up at thinkmarriage.org

What do you think? Do you agree with the seven, or would you say something different?
Let us hear from you with a blog response!

A Statistic Gone Wrong

posted by Michele Olson

Statistics can be scary things. Like most things in life, you really have to take them with a grain of salt. They are extremely sad when they are thrown at families that were going forward with hope, making their way only to hear a statistic that they are likely to fail.

That’s the case with an autism statistic that has been bantered around for some time. If you have an autistic child, you probably have heard that divorce rates among marriages with autistic children can be as high as 80%.

That’s just discouraging.

But here’s some encouragement.

As reported in the Baltimore Sun, and using data from nearly 78,000 children ages 3 through 17 recorded by the 2007 National Survey of Children's Health, researchers found that the parents of autistic children are just as likely to be married as the parents of their peers.

No one even knows for sure where the 80 percent figure first came from. But it's been perpetuated for years.

Oops.

Are there more challenges for parents with children of autism? There are definitely challenges for many child hood conditions but as far as anyone has reported, the perfect child has yet to be invented, and the hardship factor depends on many things including the temperaments and circumstances of life for the parents and children.

A good start for any challenge is two married people who know how to communicate and resolve conflicts in a healthy way, no matter what life holds.

We can help with that. Visit thinkmarriage.org for information and tangible ways to increase your ability to communicate as a couple.

Think about it. We’ve never heard of anyone who was sorry they worked on their marriage. We have heard from many people who were sorry they didn’t.

Do something good for your marriage today. Any why not become a follower if this blog? Look in the right hand column and follow!

I Love Lucy wonders Is Your Spouse a Louse?

posted by Michele Olson

Here’s a YouTube peek at an episode of I Love Lucy. Lucy decides to take a marriage quiz for fun entitled: Is Your Spouse a Louse? It’s pretty comical and fun to watch. During the quiz, Lucy and Ricky reveal people they dated before they married. It leads to a big misunderstanding.

Quizzes can be a fun thing in your marriage if you use them to get to know your mate instead of looking for things to be upset about. Here’s a short 10 question quiz from Reader’s Digest that will help you see if you and your partner are truly on the same page when it comes to the issues that are most important to you and your marriage.

It covers the topics of:
Staying in touch, managing disagreements, romance, sex life, attraction to others, values and goals, household chores, power, finances and having fun.

Take the quiz as a couple and use it to talk about how you can get even closer in all of these areas. If you have trouble being able to communicate effectively, we recommend a thinkmarriage.org online or in person workshop to help you get the skills you need to communicate and resolve conflict effectively.

Let us know what happens….leave a blog comment.

Don’t forget to get a good laugh with Ricky and Lucy too!

Short Quiz, How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?

Posted by Michele Olson

Short Quiz: How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?

Whether you’ve recently walked down the aisle or you’ve been married for years…how well do you know your spouse? Take this short T, F quiz* to see how you are doing.

I can name my spouse’s best friends T or F

I know my spouse’s favorite type of music T or F

I know my spouse’s most stressful childhood event T or F

I know my spouse’s most embarrassing moment T or F

I know what my spouse would do if he or she won the lottery T or F

I know what my spouse’s ideal job would be T or F

I know my spouse’s ideal place to live T or F

I know the things that currently cause my spouse stress T or F

I know the names of the people that have irritated my spouse recently T or F

I know some of my spouse’s life dreams T or F

I am very familiar with my spouse’s religious beliefs T or F

I know my spouse’s favorite and least favorite relatives T or F

I feel like my spouse knows me pretty well T or F

I trust my spouse T or F

My spouse trusts me T or F

Were you able to answer “True” to more than half of the questions? If so, you know your spouse fairly well. This is the perfect time to find out the answers to the questions you didn’t know. It gives each of you questions to ask of each other. Enjoy the conversation. Get to know your spouse even better.

Care to share? How did you do on the quiz? Were you surprised by any of the answers?


*Quiz from Alabama Cooperative Extension System; The Healthy Marriage Handbook –Adapted from Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999

Could a Blanket Make Your Marriage Better?

posted by Michele Olson

There’s a video sweeping infomercial TV viewing and YouTube that can’t help but bring a smile to your face…and the word marriage is a key part of the sales pitch!

Have you seen it? It’s the Better Marriage Blanket and it promises to deal with a rather delicate marriage issue; your partners offending molecules under the covers that may be causing discord and disharmony.

Did I say that delicately enough? It’s passing gas, tooting, cutting the cheese and oh so many euphemisms for a four letter word.

Not sure that when asked in divorce papers the reason for the end of a marriage, this would ever be the issue, but it could be right up there with how you each squeeze the toothpaste tube and hang the toilet roll.

So, who created this wonder product that promises to absorb the odors with an activated carbon fabric, the same type that is used by the military to protect against chemical weapons? (I love that part of the “sell”)

Margaret Eby writing for Salon.com iinterviewed Frank Bibbo, a former biology teacher and husband.

Frank’s words:
I bow-hunt for deer, and to do that you have to get really close to them, close enough that they can smell you. They’re pretty sensitive. So I started buying these military surplus chemical protective suits, from the army surplus store to block my odor. One time, I noticed that if I passed wind in there you couldn't smell a thing. And a light bulb went off. I took a couple of the suits, cut them into pieces, sewed them together and made a blanket. My wife and I used it in our bed for years, and it was great. Fifteen years later I made the first prototype and had a number of them produced. Complete article.

WebMD offers some secrets to gas control, starting with what you eat. If the blanket is not for you, that’s also a good way to deal with “the issue.”

Interesting that the blanket is touted not just as a blanket that controls odor, and include the fact it’s applicable for people sleeping together, instead it’s touted as the Better Marriage Blanket.

Taking a yearly marriage check up and marriage workshop every year is a great way to keep your marriage strong.

If you have some “for better or worse” problems that involve those offending molecules, then this may be just what you need.

Although we wouldn’t recommend it as an anniversary gift. That would stink.

Remember you can blog anonymously; any comment on offending molecules and your marriage?
Has it been a big problem for anyone?

Talking About Remarriage

posted by Michele Olson





If you are divorced, your likelihood of remarriage is quite high.





National Center for Health Statistics (2002) shows:
54 % of divorced women remarry within 5 years
75 % of divorced women remarry within 10 years


15% of second marriages ended after 3 years and almost a quarter after 5 years.


The divorce rate following re-marriage is higher than that for the first marriage.


In the US, 47% of first marriages end up in divorce and 60-80% of remarriages end up in divorce.


Remarriage is an important opportunity for healthy relationship education.


If you are remarried or considering remarrying here's a book for you:
The Remarriage Check-up; Tools to help your marriage last a lifetime.

A marriage and divorce or a marriage and death of a spouse is a painful experience in life. You want remarriage to be a great experience. The key is education. It gets even better. You can take the Couples Checkup online at thinkmarriage.org and then use those findings to help you discover ways to improve all aspects of your marriage by build on your strengths.

The topic of step families is also addressed. Everyone I have ever spoken to in a step family acknowledges that it is quite an adjustment, in addition to the adjustment of marriage. The well qualified authors of this book encourage you to get issues solved before they become problematic and the Couple's Check Up and this read are what you need to make that happen.

Remember, buying on line Couples Check up and books at thinkmarriage.org helps support our non-profit. You can't go wrong!

Are you remarried or thinking about it? Share your thoughts! Have you read The Remarriage Check Up?

Let us hear from you.

A Look Back at Marriage In America

posted by Michele Olson

Been to a museum lately? Here at the thinkmarriage.org headquarters in Green Bay, WI we have access to a great museum called the Neville Public Museum. A recent visiting exhibit caught our eyes; it’s called Here Comes the Bride: Weddings in America. It’s a traveling exhibit from the Rogers Historical Museum in Rogers Arkansas.

The exhibit explore such themes as: courtships and engagements; weddings in early America; 19th- and 20th-century wedding attire; decorations and gifts; the ceremony; the honeymoon; royal weddings; ethnic customs; and modern changes in weddings.

It seems to be a reasonably priced exhibit to bring to your town, and may be something you can work with your city to exhibit while giving you the opportunity to talk about Marriage Education then and now…and how marriage is changing through the years.

While love is eternal, marriage through the ages is continually changing. Is it changing for the better or do you long for the good old days?

It’s probably all in your perspective. One positive thing is the idea of marriage education. Most of us were brought up just hoping our relationships worked out, that we picked OK people, and that happily ever after would be our destiny.

Today we know that through marriage education and learning healthy relationship skills -like how to really communicate and solve conflicts, we have a much greater chance of having a mutually satisfying relationship.

While we cherish all the traditions of marriage, we can also feel good about the future of marriage if people are willing to prepare for their marriage by doing things like taking a pre marital check up.

Be sure and check out Here Comes the Bride; Weddings in America if it comes to your town…or consider hosting it as a way to bring some attention to your marriage message of today.

It’s the perfect blend of something old and something new.

A Helpful Bookstore

posted by Michele Olson

There's nothing like a good book. There's nothing like a good book that can help you improve your relationship. We're happy to announce that thinkmarriage.org now has a bookstore under the Store Tab at our website.

Why else should you care? thinkmarriage.org is a non-profit. When you purchase a book through our bookstore, that helps us.

Talk about a win/win!

You get great information and you help our non-profit.

You'll see on this blog some book recommendations, they are all available on our website.

One of my first recommendations is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Pat Love and Steven Stosny. You'll find us quoting a lot of info from Steven Stosny on this website...he has a lot of helpful things for couples and people in general.

The basis of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It involves a very simple idea that could revolutionize marriages if couples would get it.

Men don't like to be shamed. As a woman, don't do anything that shames a man in your actions or words.

Women like to feel safe. If you are a man, make your lady feel safe...and you will probably have a really nice relationship.

Of course there is more to it which is why I hope you will go to our store and buy the book. It really does have something to say that would make a big difference in today's marital relationships.

Check out our book store . Explore every tab, which includes General Marriage Books, Communication, Conflict Resolution and Relationship Roles. Let us know some books you would like to see featured, we'd love to hear from you!

Marital Bliss: A beautiful garden or a weed patch?

posted by Michele Olson

Pretty much anyone who starts out a marriage imagines that their days will be filled with bliss.
Bliss is defined as supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment. Look at anyone’s wedding pictures and you will see many faces of bliss.

The question is: how do you maintain bliss in a marriage?

Instead of thinking of it as a marriage, take a moment and think about it as a living growing thing, like a garden. Growing things take attention. Neglected things seem to die. Yet, we wonder why a marriage diminishes when the truth is; it hasn’t been cared for and nurtured.
Gardens take work. Tilling the soil, planting the seeds, and getting rid of the weeds. Watering and keeping pests away.

Marriages take work too. Usually four major areas cause conflict.

Money. There never seems to be enough, or couples don’t agree on how it should be spent.

Sex. One partner may want more sex than the other, or have differences of what is acceptable.

Kids. Couples may disagree over how to raise and discipline children.

Work. There can be different role expectations both inside and outside of the home.

Research shows that unhappy couples tend to start out by criticizing the way their partner behaves. Negative comments follow and the person being spoken about gets defensive. This is the perfect climate for a conflict with no positive outcome. It just happens again and again and never accomplishes anything.

Couples who seek bliss use positive language, including body language. They aren’t afraid to use appropriate humor and express affection to maintain a calm atmosphere. They have empathy for their partner, even if it doesn’t match up with their point of view.

The good news is; this positive style of communication can be learned. At thinkmarriage.org we have workshops both in-person and online that can help you learn how to dissolve tension, communicate so you feel heard without resorting to any nasty habits and to be treated the way you’d like to be treated in an adult conversation.

If you want a beautiful garden, you have to tend it. If you want a blissful marriage, you have to learn how to have one. Just like seeds and gardening supplies, it’s all available to you.

Visit thinkmarriage.org, click on the store and get your free Marriage Myth Buster Guide.

Whether you have a “weed patch” or a blissful experience in your marriage is really up to you.

You Should Be In The Hall of Fame!

posted by Michele Olson

There’s a little gem in our website that I want you to see. It’s called our Marriage Hall of Fame. It’s time to add more couples. If you are married, we’d really like you to consider being on this treasure of a page.

You may not be there because you have a few questions. Let’s clear those up and get your marriage on our page!

Do we need to be nominated by someone else?

No! In fact if someone is nominated by someone else, we still need the permission of the nominated couple before we would post anything. Mainly, we want you as a couple, or as a husband or wife, to nominate yourselves.

What qualifies someone to be in the thinkmarriage.org Hall of Fame?

Are you married? Do you cherish your spouse? Do you believe in upholding marriage, yours and others? That’s about all it takes! We don’t believe there are any perfect couples out there, just real people willing to work on real marriages. You don’t have to be married tons of years or have a particularly unique story.

Why would I nominate my marriage for the Hall of Fame?

It’s a great birthday/ anniversary gesture, an everyday way to say “I love you” and “we matter”, and a way to encourage other couples who come to our website.

What do I send in?

A little of who you are and the story of your marriage and family. The couples currently on the page are a good example of the type of info to supply. Short and simple works and we’ll write it for you when you supply the facts. If you have a jpeg picture of you as a couple or a family, we’d love to post that with your story. You can fill in the bottom section on the web page or email info@thinkmarriage.org You will see what is written and approve it before it’s posted.

So as you can see, it’s very easy to become a member of our Marriage Hall of Fame.
One more question; what are you waiting for?

While you're at it, why not become a follower of our blog? Look to the right and you'll see how.