Thursday, July 30, 2009

Affairs: Now You Know

Posted by Michele Olson

WAPT, the ABC affiliate in Jackson, Mississippi posted a report and story yesterday regarding the fact that men and women are 5 to 10 percent more likely to cheat now than they were 10 years ago. The story talks about the specific case of Leisha Pickering and her divorce from former U.S. Representative Chip Pickering- another high profile marriage on the rocks as of recent days. The story also has tips to tell if your spouse may be cheating.

Julie Baumgardner from, a healthy marriage initiative in Tennessee, also posted 19 Close Call Danger Signs that an affair may be in the works…or that you could be on the verge of an affair. These are from a keynote address at Smart Marriages by Dave Carder. Here are those danger signs:

* You save topics of conversation for someone other than your spouse.
* You share spousal difficulties with this person. For example - "You're a woman, help me understand how my wife works."
* Your friend shares relationship difficulties with you.
* You anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse - this is a sign you are already sliding sideways. Keep in mind that you see your spouse at the 2 worst times of day - first thing in the morning when things tend to be chaotic and in the evening when you are trying to get dinner ready, homework done and you are tired from the day.
*You are more concerned about your friend than your spouse.
*You provide special treats for your friend.
*You fantasize about marriage with this friend.
*You spend more alone time with your friend than with your spouse.
*Your spouse does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - email, texting, in person, etc.
*You spend money on this friend behind your spouse's back.
*Conflicts arise between you and your spouse over this friendship.
*You lie to your spouse in order to spend time with this friend - ie. You go into work an hour before you really need to be there in order to see your friend.
*You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse. For example, "Don't smile at me when you see me at church, my husband is watching."
*You accuse your spouse of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.
*You develop special rituals with your friend that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.
*Your friend shares his/her feelings or touches you, which creates an inward response.
*You have conversations with your friend that include sexual content.
*You participate in corporate travel with your friend - also known as corporate dating - You participate in business travel where meals, alcohol, entertainment are involved and you are staying at the same hotel.

Read the full blog here.

The message is: Affairs Don’t Just Happen

Here is a copy of their recent radio commercial which also hits home.

Radio commercial:
Anncr: I'm going to ask you some questions. Don't answer out loud.

Have you checked out the old flame on FaceBook?

Did you wear your hot black dress to the class reunion or were you just checking out the x-girlfriend in her hot black dress?

Is there someone at work of the opposite sex that you confide in?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be in a CCF.

What's a CCF you're asking? A Close Call Relationship.

Really I think they should be called a Clueless Close Call Relationship because so many people caught up in an affair will say, 'I have no idea how this happened.'

If you don't want to be clueless about close call friendships here are
some things you should avoid:

Don't talk about your spouse to someone of the opposite sex.

Don't give off any vibes that you would be open to any of relationship
with someone of the opposite sex.

The infatuation of young love never goes away. Going there is playing
with fire.
For more information about affair-proofing your marriage visit joins in the call to all couples to affair-proof your marriage. This blog falls in line with our June 9th blog about building hedges around your marriage.

Please pass on the link to this blog to all your married friends and family...also great to teach young adults.

Will you become a marriage champion and pass on this information?

Once you read this information, you will realize that affairs don't just happen, and can be prevented.

Now you know.


M. Denise Wilmer Barreto said...

Great article.

The only thing I will say in response is that no matter what we spread - people have to be intentional in declaring that they will not fall into the trap of infidelity in advance - like when they first get married.

I did not need an article like this - I knew the second I sensed impropriety (which by the way- was before anything actually happened) and could not "prevent" anything because my husband did not have a plan for himself to not fall into this situation.

You cannot control anyone else - only yourself and put yourself in a position to be there for your spouse in all the ways they need you to be and this requires pro-active communication at the onset of the relationship. Both parties

You cannot "affair proof" your marriage alone.

Just my thoughts.... said...

Thanks M..
Good additional point...
Each member of the marriage has to be responsibility for affair proofing the marriage...
thanks for blogging!