“40 Days and Counting” or “Wedding Planning Causes Multiple Personalities”

Fourth blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!
Sarah writes:

Last you all knew, Tim and I had been dating for a couple months, figured out what to do about rising fuel prices, and both had a hunch that we were getting ourselves in to a relationship of long-term value and significance. The moment when he slipped and used the word “girlfriend” in a conversation he had with a co-worker, the countless motorcycle rides…it was on one of the first bike trips we took that I knew, I just knew. And I heard a song playing in my head, unsolicited, and saw us in my mind’s eye, dancing at our reception. You can bet that totally freaked me out.
The first time he told me he loved me, and I echoed the sentiment, the first holiday we spent with each other’s families, our Christmas trip to Chicago during which Tim was very ill and still tried ice-skating for the first time! The bookshelf he built me, the BB King concert tickets he surprised me with for Valentine’s Day…

It is all of these things and many more that keep me planning, keep me moving ahead. People have been asking me, ever since we got engaged May 18th, “Are you SO excited for your wedding? How is the PLANNING going? Are you just so EXCITED?!” I usually pull out a smile and end up saying something like, “The planning is going well (for a while there it was pretty scary) and I am too busy (tired, stressed, fill in the blank) to be excited for the wedding yet. But, I AM excited to be married to Tim.” They usually look at me like “Why isn’t this bride absolutely ecstatic? What is wrong with her?” I have learned from these countless repeated exchanges that sometimes it’s best just to say “Why of COURSE I’m excited, I am THRILLED, and the wedding planning is going GREAT!!!” and let them go away, satisfied with my answer.
Since we are funding the wedding predominantly ourselves (with some assistance…thanks to those people!) we have been trying to do much of the preparation and planning ourselves, as well as attempting to be economically brilliant and go the DIY route. Not a bad plan, just a lot more time and energy and effort required. Though I won’t go into any specifics on this one, let’s just say that even keeping it simple, wedding planning can make anyone go NUTS. Tim and I have had to work through more things, miscommunication, hurt feelings, time management, financial business, whatever, as we plan this shindig. And lemme tell ya- it has NOT been pretty sometimes. On the flip side, I am SO thankful for the chance to practice talking through things, forgiveness, problem solving, and learning more about what makes each other tick. What hot buttons NOT to push. (WWIII, anyone?)

At this point, I am getting glimmers of excitement for the actual day as more and more items are being crossed off my to-do list. One things remains, and continues to increase with each day, I am more and more excited about spending my life with this kind and persistent man, and thankful that he feels the same way. Together, we can survive the wedding!

What will happen next as Sarah prepares for the big day?

Do you have any advice for her as the countdown continues?

Tune in for Sarah's next blog coming here soon!

Is it Time to Divorce Your TV Set?

posted by Michele Olson


The Parents Television Council has just released a new study;
Happily Never After: How Hollywood Favors Adultery and Promiscuity Over Marital Intimacy on Prime Time Broadcast Television.

Wow…that’s a mouthful!

The study points out that broadcast networks depict sex in the context of marriage as either non-existent or burdensome while showing positive depictions of extra-marital or pre-marriage sexual relationships.

As a sitcom lover from way back, I am disheartened to see TV turn into a medium for bombarding viewers who just want a good laugh from a well-written show. More and more I've tried to find the redeeming value in a funny or interesting premise, only to have to cringe and turn off the TV. I find myself going more and more to the channel that just plays the old shows from the 60’s and 70’s. To think we once blushed at cutting edge programming like All in the Family and couldn’t bear to see married couples in the same bed on TV like Rob and Laura Petrie and Lucy and Ricky Ricardo.

We used to rely on talent, not shock or fringe behavior for entertainment.

Networks have decided that a laugh is a laugh...even if it's an “easy, uncomfortable” laugh that so many comediennes have resorted to. They've forsaken the idea of investing in good, solid writing to a more mainstream audience. They've also made it extremely difficult to break into the industry without pitching something shocking and bizarre.

What was once deemed as deviant or criminal behavior has been given the stamp of approval by the TV industry.

Can you imagine being from a remote foreign country, getting your opinions of the U.S. only by what you see on TV, and thinking this is really how most of us act in America?

If just “blocking” certain shows is the answer, The Parents Television Council (PTC) found the reliability of this V chip technology to be inconsistent. That doesn't seem to be the total answer to protect children either. It's just as harmful to see the eroding of what we will tolerate simply because we are not given much choice for certain mediums of entertainment.

Michael Medved, Nationally Syndicated Talk Radio Host and PTC Advisory Board Member points out that we have moved from portraying just destructive sexual behavior to the de-glamorization of marriage. Has the message become…you’d have to be crazy to get or stay married?

What can you do as a Marriage Champion?

Write and email the advertisers in the programs.

Write and email the networks.

I don’t think shaking our heads and turning off the TV is the total answer any more than it makes sense to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

TV can be a worthwhile form of entertainment and relaxation. We just have to let our voices be heard about what we want to see as a society in programs, and maybe just as importantly, what we won't tolerate.

Let’s keep fighting for healthy portrayal of family and marriage on television.

What’s your opinion?

Have you ever written to an advertiser or network about content in a TV program?

True Stories of Saved Marriages

posted by Michele Olson


As a resource for marriage, authors often contact us regarding their books on the subjects of marriage and healthy relationships. A recent book is well worth reading and giving to someone who wonders if their marriage can be saved. The book is aptly titled: Can My Marriage be Saved and it’s written by a mother/daughter team; Mae and Erika Chambers.

Mae and her husband John have had their marriage saved since 1985 according to their bio. Because she has seen her and John’s restored marriage story have a great impact on so many people, Mae partnered with her daughter to put together a book full of saved marriage stories.

While the book addresses individual stories of people who had their marriage saved, savedmarriagenetwork.com website also founded by the mother/daughter team has resources for all types of marital brokenness including financial struggles, abuse, separation, sexual addiction, loss of a child and more. Some of the resources are also listed in the back of the book.

The tone of the book does include a faith element as part of the healing, but with such a strong message of hope, it’s easy to see how anyone can benefit from seeing so many types of hopeless situations turned around.

In an age when marriages are discarded often too quickly, even considering the option of saving a broken marriage is a refreshing change.

Have you read this book? Do you have a story of a saved married?
We’d love to hear from you!

Take Note David Letterman

posted by Michele Olson


Are you a fan of lists in general and possibly the Late Shows Top 10 List?

Here's an overview list of 10 things you can think about that can get you on the road to a healthier marriage. It would be fun if you and your spouse would use it as a springboard to make your own personal list with the title:

10 things I can do to have a healthy marriage.

Why not give it a try and let us know what happens!


10 things you can do to have a healthy marriage

1. Spend time with each other.

2. Learn to negotiate conflict.

3. Show respect for each other at all times.

4. Learn about yourself first.

5. Explore intimacy.

6. Explore common interests.

7. Create a spiritual connection.

8. Improve your communication skills. (check out thinkmarriage.org and take a class!)

9. Forgive each other.

10. Look for the best in each other.


Do you have a top 10 version to share?

DISTANCE or “Am I worth more than $3.92 to you?”

THIRD blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

Tim lives about 30 miles from where I do, so one of the things we’ve had to work through is distance. I know, I know, 30 miles is nothing compared to some long distance relationships out there, but with gas prices the way they are…believe me, it matters. We worked out somewhat of a system. We’d see each other maybe twice on weekends, he’d come up here one time, I’d travel there one time. We also began talking on the phone every night. We didn’t plan that, it just happened on its own. Both of us have shared since then that our day just didn’t seem complete until we had connected with the other, even just briefly.

Trying develop a realistic plan to get to know one another, be smart about our personal schedules, and not go broke seeing each other was one of the first challenges we faced. It was difficult for me initially, because I wondered why we didn’t see each other more often. Tim was patient and tried to explain just how much it would cost us financially if we saw each other more than 2-3 times a week every week. Not including eating out, or costs of other activities. I can remember doubting sometimes if I was worth it, or if I was expecting too much, or if he really liked me, or…or…and my mind took off, out of control. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. That irrational fear/anxiety/doubt/control that takes over, and if we’re not careful to nip it in the bud it is bound to start conflict, and not in a healthy, everyone wins sort of way!)

It took a few tries, but we figured it out, and I saw his point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me, it was more that if we wanted to keep this relationship at a healthy and safe pace as well as a financially wise one (think quality, not quantity, and also longevity versus burnout) we needed to keep our visits to 2-3 a week. That also helped us keep our own identities sound and stable instead of getting so caught up in one another that we lost them, or left our friends in the dust.
I should note too, that we try to keep our activities focused around things we can afford (we splurge sometimes!), that we both enjoy, that teach us something, and that promote good conversation. For example, within the first couple months, I brought with me on our date the workbook from How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette). In the back is a section called “99 Questions to Ask in the Premarital Process”. I thought, “I wonder how easily he scares?” We have found it to be a very useful tool in addressing topics and helping to shape our conversation to deliberately get to know one another. We called these dates “Business Meetings”, dates that we specifically wanted to address particular issues or topics.

I am not advocating that you make it a formal, dry event, but be purposeful in getting to know one another. Learning as much as you can about the other person is one of the most important things you can do, whether you’re single or married.

It is key in building trust.

What's next for Tim and Sarah? Stay tuned...

Poll Finds Americans Still Believe in Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

Turns out people still know a good thing when they see it. We all know the sad 50% divorce statistic, and we might be thinking people don't believe in marriage anymore.

Not so according to results from a new GK Roper poll.

The article states that marriage is so valued by society that people look at it as a goal in life. If you have the ability to talk to some teenagers, ask them if they hope to be married someday. You'll find even in an unscientific study that they do see themselves married along their life path.

It's also interesting to note that young people who have grown up in a culture of divorce are not scared away from the commitment marriage provides. Instead, they look at failed relationships around them and believe that their relationship will work out differently.

Now we need to let them know that their chances of achieving the goal of a successful marriage is even better with pre-marital and on-going marriage education. Please help us spread the word...people deserve to achieve their life goals.

Read the full article be sure and be sure and share some thoughts on this blog!

First Date, Sarah and Tim

Second blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's first blog) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

“FIRST DATE” or “I think there might be something to this…oh man, am I in trouble!”

Tim called me a couple days later to set up a date. I was still skeptical.

“I don’t know that I want to go on a date”, I said.

His response, “Well then, we can call it something else, but I’m still taking you out.”

We didn’t end up figuring out any date plans for the following weekend, but we did end up talking for THREE hours, and totally lost track of the time. Somehow we got our plans sorted out, and we agreed on the following Saturday for Asian grille. As it happened, that Saturday night was also the first Packers pre-season game. (For those of you who are from Green Bay, you know what a HUGE deal this is to most). I thought he would try to reschedule our date, or convince me to order take-out and go back to his place to watch the game. I had just come from another wedding reception, and had dressed up a bit. He greeted me at the door in a collared shirt and tie, looking as dapper as could be.

He also made it clear that there was no way he’d skip our date, or alter the plans we’d made just to watch the Packers (WOW- Gold Star #2). We had a great dinner, and then the evening continued as we talked until after 2 in morning. We covered many important topics that first night. How we each approach dating(with long term intentions in mind, and kind of as an interview process, as it turns out!) , things about our families and how we were raised, personal goals, different jobs we’d held; he even busted out his high school yearbook. Scary. I think both of us knew then that there was something of real value between us, and that we wanted to pursue it deliberately, wisely, and thoughtfully.

Tune in to Sarah's next blog when they ponder taking their relationship forward when they don't live in the same city...

The Beauty of the Flag Page

by Michele Olson

Once you've done a Flag Page, you'll find yourself asking other people... "have you done your Flag Page?"

Developed by Larry Bilotta and used also by Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, the Flag Page is a simple online test that helps you understand your passions in life...what makes you tick. It's not a personality test, but it does come amazingly close to understanding what really "trips your trigger" in life.

Larry is the leading authority on understanding people. Rather than a psychologist, Larry is a former advertising agency specialist who built his system for understanding people on the foundation of psychology studies and 11 years of his own research. The Flag Page helps to simplify the complex ideas of psychology in order to quickly and easily understand the motivations of people. He has used this tool to help over 4,000 people gain focus, motivation and a sense of purpose in life. The Flag Page is a simple, on line tool that gives a surprisingly accurate level of insight into what motivates people.

This proven tool has been used to reduce stress and create understanding in a wide range of areas from businesses to marriage.

Right now you can get a free flag page code if you attend a FREE Laugh Your Way Seminar with Mark Gungor of Laugh Your Way on High Def Screens and in-person presenter Larry Bilotta!
July 26th in Fond du Lac, WI and Aug. 9 in Appleton, WI. Register at www.thinkmarriage.org by entering the Classes area.

You can also purchase Flag Page codes at www.laughyourway.com

So...what's your Flag Page?

Meet Sarah and Tim, they're getting married!

Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

We’ve been engaged for a little over a month now. In some ways it seems much longer than that, and some days I think to myself, “What? I’m getting married!?!!” Tim and I met at his sister’s wedding. (Tim’s now brother-in-law M. and I have known each other for almost 6 years. I met Tim’s sister S. when she and M. began dating a few years ago, and was invited to share in the wedding doings.) We actually only saw each other when the bachelor and bachelorette parties ran into each other by accident. His sister had mentioned earlier in the evening at dinner that her brother was single, and one of us should consider dating him. She listed some of his qualities: good-looking, smart, kind, great job, funny…shy. I wasn’t interested in getting involved, as great as he sounded. Too good to be true? I even said to my friend J. who was sitting next to me, “You can have him, he’s yours, I don’t want him, no way, no how!”
I basically ignored him all night. I did, however, notice just how handsome he was.

I figured there must be something really wrong with him.

Or maybe he’s just a jerk.

Probably is.

Fuggeddaboutit!

Skip forward a couple weeks. It wasn’t until the wedding reception that he came up and started making conversation (read flirting, or trying to). His straightforward manner and lack of any sort of false bravado intrigued me instantly. How refreshing! One of things he started talking about first was the new router he had just gotten in the mail, and how he felt like a kid at Christmastime. Tearing open the packaging. Pulling out the instruction manual. Pouring over it like it held the answers to all of life’s questions. And telling me all of these things with a grin on his face, knowing fully that his power tool obsession was a thing of amusement. “Hmm, there’s someone who knows how to laugh at himself. I dig it. He just earned a Gold Star.” We wound up talking for several hours that night, and somehow he managed to get my phone number as I was leaving.

I didn’t really know if he’d call or not, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.

Watch this blog to follow Sarah's story! Next time... there obviously had to be a first date, but what was it like?

We'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe you'd like to share the story of how you and your spouse met ...feel free!

Free Classes, Free Gas

posted by Michele Olson

Free.

It gets your attention.

Sometimes it's something worthwhile, other times...you feel ripped off. Here is one instance where you can look at the word FREE and let go of any time you've ever hoped something FREE would be great and were disappointed. This will not leave you shaking your head, but instead smiling ear to ear when you consider the positive skills it can bring to your life.

All classes for married couples are FREE for the summer at thinkmarriage.org !

It's true. Yes, that's a $69 value...so cha ching cha ching! But that's not all..the first 20 couples that register in a county and complete the course will receive a $50 gas card once the class is done.

Free Classes. Free Gas.

And you can choose from classes like Family Wellness, 10 Great Dates for Married Couples and Marriage L.I.N.K.S!

Complete details are on the registration area of our website.

There really won't be a better time than this to enhance your marriage with greater skill, spark and fun.

What are you waiting for?

P.S. Tell your friends!

Bottom Line Bill

Our neighboring state of Minnesota has an interesting article in their monthly publication aptly named Minnesota Monthly. The focus of the article is on Bill Doherty, the director of Marriage and Family Therapy in the department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
I’m sure he has something much shorter on his business cards, because he is also the author of 13 books, including Take Back Your Marriage.

As you’ll learn in the article, Bill, a marriage therapist by trade, is all about salvaging marriages. He talks about our unrealistic expectations of marriage in our consumerism society. He also talks about the great benefits that marriage brings…so many in fact, that he wants couples to really know the facts of what they’re giving up if they choose to divorce. He is reminding us about the counselors roll in staying “values neutral” when a couple comes in for a session. He admits that if there are problems, most therapists are trained to focus their energies on supporting the individual in decision making…and that may be divorce. The problem is; couples in turmoil may not be hearing all the options available.

Perhaps you have first-hand experience with this dilemma.

Read the article and feel free to comment on what you think.

Do You Know Your Spouse?

posted by Michele Olson

Do You Know Your Spouse?

That might seem like a silly question, but let this little story explain:

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

You get to write the ending to that story any way you would like!

The truth is, we are all evolving and changing as people through circumstances, outside influences and the very art of aging. It's important to "keep up" with each other and aware of where each other is in our heads. That takes desire, time and skill. A great way to stay on track is to take the time to attend a healthy relationship, marriage education workshop. If you live in Wisconsin, visit thinkmarriage.org and click on the classes tab...if you are from another state, check into what is available in your area. There are great opportunities happening across our country and you don't want to miss out.

Your marriage can be one of the best experiences and most precious things in your life. But, like every good thing you pursue, it will take some effort. Marriage education is a tangible, fun, interesting way to work on your relationship.

What are you waiting for?

Does Divorce Make People Happy?

posted by Michele Olson

Do you remember the famous line about divorce from the popular advice columnist Ann Landers? She advised that the benchmark for getting a divorce or not was answering the question "Am I better off with our without this person?"

You could also interpret that as....would I be happier if I was divorced?

We're not talking here about the cases of domestic violence, which are in their own category...or cases of any type of abuse...but rather the typical couple who have no glaring social ill. In 2002, a team of family scholars chaired by Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago decided to study the question: Does divorce make people happier? What resulted was a study and a report entitled Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages.

They looked at couples who rate their marriage as "unhappy" and then re-interviewed them five years later. With different pathways chosen they were able to follow unhappy spouses who chose divorce, separation or stayed married. Common sense would point to the fact that if you're unhappy and you get divorced, you will be happier compared to those who stayed married "unhappily". Surprisingly the study showed that..no...people weren't happier. It's an interesting study and I recommend you read it to find out what they studied and how they came to this conclusion.

I look forward to your thoughts on the study.

Fun and Games with a Purpose

posted by Michele Olson

There are all styles of learning but one of the most popular is interactive games. poweroftwo.org does a wonderful job of using online interactive web games to teach about relationships. With a plan to grow in the future, right now the site focuses on expectant parents. Currently there is an even more distinct focus about domestic violence. Whether the subject matter directly applies to you or not, check out the site. It's very well done and interesting to see how they accomplish learning through this style...online.

For anyone reading this who needs help in the area of domestic violence, Visit ndvh.org or call toll free 1-800-799-7233 or you can remember it as 1-800-799-SAFE.

Check out the site and let us know how you liked the games!

Happy Father's Day to All the Dads!

posted by Michele Olson

Happy Father’s Day to Dad’s everywhere from thinkmarriage!

Here’s something interesting to share: there is a new campaign geared to African American Fathers from the National Fatherhood Initiative called: What's Your Legacy? They are also promoting a media campaign designed to inspire African American fathers (or men who are thinking about having children) to consider marriage for its benefits to the well-being of their children. Based on inspirational stories, the campaign serves to encourage their younger peers to consider how important marriage will be in their journey to build a legacy for their own families.

The campaign is also supported by the brand new website featuring the interactive African American Marriage Wall. This Wall allows visitors to add a “brick” that contains text and photos telling their families marriage story. This is truly a place to build a legacy for future generations. Because it’s in the very beginning stages, now is a great time to add a story.

To all Fathers everywhere…thanks for all you do!
Do you have any great “Dad” stories you would like to share?

Giving Circles

Posted by Michele Olson

Times are tight and the average person doesn't have a lot of extra money to give. That's why an article I read in the Dec. 07 issue of Family Circle is even more important. The idea is that groups of people, mainly women in the article, get together to pool their money. This can be just spare change or more as the case may be. The point is...when people are upset about things happening and they want to do something, there is often greater strength in numbers. It's happening so much that it now has a name: Giving Circles.

As the article states, a group meets every other month and each member contributes about $10. They put their passion into action and brainstorm ways to help and how they will contribute their monies. Imagine the fun along the way of just getting together over a potluck as your gathering becomes something important in the big picture and something you can all share in!

The article if filled with tips on ideas to start your own Giving Circle. If you're looking for a great cause...of course we at thinkmarriage volunteer to be the recipient of your Giving Circle!

Read the article and let us know your thoughts!

To Get a Good Nights Sleep...Work on a Happy Marriage!

posted by Michele Olson

Those scientists...they're always out there studying something that may be just a no-brainer. If you are happily married it turns out you are more likely to have a better night's sleep than your less content counterpart.

The study included results in falling asleep and staying asleep. A bigger question might be for employers...how productive are your employees who are having marital discord? This study tells us they aren't sleeping well. That's probably just the beginning of the pain. If you want to know the cost to your company of divorce, we can provide you a worksheet.

But we're not here to point fingers. We just want to acknowledge what is and be a help as well. We can bring all kinds of interesting and fun classes to your workplace that can help keep marriages and healthy relationships on track...the type of skills that might help people get a better nights sleep. Just send an email and we'll get you the divorce worksheet and more info on bringing classes into your place of business. Here's the link to read the complete story on how a happy marriage helps you sleep.

To sleep ...perchance to dream....

An Easy Way to Get Involved

posted by Michele Olson

Did you realize that you can contribute to thinkmarriage through ebay?

You can!

ebay has a "giving arm" called Mission Fish. If you are an "ebayer", why not consider listing some items that when sold will benefit the mission of thinkmarriage?

You can visit our Mission Fish/ebay page to get started. We have a friend of thinkmarriage who found us on mission fish, liked what we are doing to support healthy marriages and started listing items to benefit our non profit work. And, he's from California! It would be wonderful if we could get some folks right here in our state of Wisconsin who use ebay and would like to do something that can help. It doesn't have to be big ticket items (although those are great too)...anything you want to sell on our behalf is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance and let your other ebay friends know too!

Thoughts From a Judge

posted by Michele Olson

A Judge Who Cares About Marriage

What happens when a judge cares about marriage?

In June, 1996, James Sheridan founded the organization, Marriages That Work in Lenawee County, Michigan, to address the problem of divorce. He spearheaded a gathering of local ministers and civil officials who perform weddings to work on the issue and invited Mike McManus of Marriages Savers® as the primary speaker. The group met on February 14, 1997, becoming the largest gathering of the type in the history of the county. The result was striking: sixty six members of the Lenawee County clergy and all thirteen civil officials authorized to perform weddings agreed to require education in communication skills and dispute resolution, in addition to taking a premarital inventory, before they would perform weddings.
This was the first time in the United States all the civil officials in a county have joined together to require premarital education. The media went wild. James Sheridan was interviewed by over a dozen radio talk shows from across the United States, the BBC in England and Germany. Articles appeared in publications quoting Sheridan extensively in Europe, England and many cities in the United States. He was interviewed on ABC Good Morning America, The CBS Evening News, The ABC Evening News along with local news shows from Detroit and Toledo. He was also an invited guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Thoughts from Judge Sheridan:

What we have to keep in mind is that the marriage movement is a process, not an event. Each of us has to do the small part we are able to do. Collectively, these small steps will make a big difference. I am a great believer in what I call "the straw theory of life." You have obviously heard the phrase: "the straw that broke the camel's back." Question: what causes the back to break? Answer: the back is already loaded down with straw and that last straw is one too many. I believe each of us is obligated to throw our "straw" on this problem. If we don't, the pile will never build up and the "last straw" the one that "breaks the camel's back" will never be reached. The good news is I can see more and more straws being thrown. It is a long, slow, tedious effort, but the pile is growing. What we have to do is not get discouraged, but keep throwing our straw at every opportunity.
- Judge Jim Sheridan

Hey! Are you doing your part to prevent the “last straw?”

To hear our interview with Judge James Sheridan…visit the media page of thinkmarriage.org

Men Afraid of a Bad Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

A recent Yahoo article talked about Bachelor Carl Weisman, a 49 year old who conducted a survey of 1,533 heterosexual men. He was doing research for a book geared to give women insight into why some smart, successful men opted to stay single -- and help lifelong bachelors understand why they are still the solo man at parties.

He concluded that most men were not afraid of marriage -- but they were afraid of a bad marriage.

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.

Wisconsin Radio Network asked me to comment on the story. You can read and hear my comments by clicking here.

What is your take?

Do you think Carl is off base…or do you agree with his point of view?

Preventing Affairs Resource

posted by Michele Olson

Affairs are devastating. That's the bottom line. They bring on pain that you wouldn't wish on anyone...always to someone. Through a domino effect they can break the hearts of a wide circle of people. Wouldn't it be smart for every married person to have a resource to understand how to prevent an affair in the first place? That resource is available in a book, aptly named Preventing Affairs by Peggy Vaughan. Still available in PDF format at DearPeggy.com, it's just become available in a printed/bound version through through amazon.com. Peggy also has other excellent books on marriage as well as some great articles on her website.

If you are personally affected by an affair...you will benefit from this book. And for every married person...it serves as a smart choice to realize we need to protect our marriages.

Wisconsin Constitutional News

Posted by Michele Olson

It can be hard to keep up with everything happening on a state and national level. Not every issue gets a big headline in the newspaper. So it's helpful when you can read a press release that summarizes rulings that you should be aware of. No matter what your opinion on the matter is...we want you to be informed.

On May 30th, a Dane County Circuit Court judge ruled that Wisconsin's Marriage Protection Amendment does not violate the "single purpose" or single subject provision of the Wisconsin Constitution. Wisconsin Family Council, who was represented by the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF), filed an amicus (friend of the court) brief for oral arguments before Judge Richard Niess. To read a press release from Wisconsin Family Council regarding this ruling, click here.

Feel free to blog what you DO think and we'll keep you posted as we get more news on this important subject.

The Change in the 26 Year Old Male

by Michele Olson

Author Kay S. Hymowitz, someone we've mentioned before in this blog because of her book Marriage and Caste in America has a very interesting article out that you may have heard about on talk radio, or read for yourself. In case you haven't, here's the link to the article she wrote titled:
Child-Man in the Promised Land

The article focuses on the differences found in a typical 26 year old in the year 1965 as compared to a typical 26 year old of today. In 1965 you probably had a factory job and were starting out your white collar career. You also have probably been married for several years. Jet pack into the future and your typical 26 year old is working in a cube somewhere, looking to climb the corporate ladder and living in an apartment with some single guy friends.

As Kay points out, we are now seeing a trend that has been obvious to "legions of frustrated young women"...today's young man is more likely to stay in limbo in the world between child and man.

She ponders the questions of what does this mean to us as a society?

How has his "child-man" voice affected media including movies, TV and magazines...and resulted in a phenomenon of "dude media?"

What affect does it have on our world that no one is asking this man-child to grow up?

How does it affect Fatherhood?

Read the article and I'd love to see your comments...do you know a man-child?

Are you one?

Misunderstood

Posted by: Michele Olson

This is a long, but really important blog. Grab a “cup of joe” and let’s talk.

At thinkmarriage.org we have many resources available for anyone reading this blog…A Marriage Myth Buster Guide, A Love Letter Kit, A Fact Sheet, A DVD and of course all the great resources on our website.

That’s one aspect of thinkmarriage.org.

We also list classes on our web calendar available throughout the state, with our thinkmarriage classes available in six key counties: Brown, Marathon, Outagamie, Waukesha, Milwaukee and Fond du Lac.

But there’s another part of thinkmarriage that may not be as apparent. That is our efforts to start a grassroots movement. These type of movements are funny things because you can’t necessarily “light the fire” just through advertising or public awareness. At the basis of every social movement is: the passion of many people.

Think of the big social movements we have witnessed in our lifetimes…

The tear falling down the weathered face of a Native American that ignited the reduce, reuse, recycle movement…which led to our current “green” movement.

The civil rights movement…equality regardless of race or creed.

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, DARE, stop smoking in public places…it’s the passions of many people that ultimately keeps something going in society.

To help you become a passionate member of our movement, we have to look at where we may be misunderstood.

When we are at an event handing out Marriage Myth Buster Guides, we start to see a pattern of people’s reactions to accepting a guide.

From a mature, divorced, woman or man we will usually see a degree of bitterness. They aren’t interested because they have been burned by marriage and have thrown the baby out with the bath water so to speak.

This is a misunderstanding.

From dating or newly married, we often see the anxiety of wondering if they have to become a statistic. They don’t think a fragmented family is in their future, but from watching what is happening around them, they hope they are the exception.

Again, it’s a bit of a misunderstanding.

To someone who has been married a long time, happy or not…they have an aura of “been there, done that”, and your cause is not for me.

Another group not understanding.

From a single Mom either from out of wedlock childbearing or divorce, they think that we might be against the struggle that they are living through…we could just be one more burden to bear on the hard road they often have to travel.

Totally a misunderstanding.

From people living together to widowed individuals to people married with six kids…we can be misunderstood.

Here’s why…the minute someone thinks we are looking at them “personally” with any type of agenda or judgment, they have not understood what we are about.

We are simply about telling the story of what is available and what is possible when people include healthy marriage as the gold standard if they choose to enter into a relationship with another person.
We know from statistics, not matter of opinion, that when a healthy marriage is the goal…people’s lives can be easier and better in a world that throws a lot of obstacles our way just by the very fact that we wake up every morning on the planet.

A higher standard of living…a longer, healthier life… kids with less issues…(Ask for our Marriage Myth Buster Guide...it’s all in there!) We know that the probabilities of this being your life experience are higher if you are in a healthy marriage relationship.

NOW! We all know people who aren’t in a healthy relationship who are living wealthy, healthy, happy lives.

But, don’t misunderstand. While it’s possible, it’s not as probable.

So when we look at society as a whole…the big picture…
what should we encourage people to shoot for?

The point is, no matter where you are in your life right now…it’s the next step you take that we hope to help influence. What we all should want for our culture is to give everyone the best possible chance at sound, healthy relationships.

We know from over 20 years of social science research that healthy relationships are far more probable if single people understand communication and conflict resolution skills and how to look for a life partner…with classes like How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette!)

These relationships are more probable if people wait to have children until after marriage, if engaged couples take a pre-marital inventory of some type before they are married, and if people who are married will continue to work on their communication and relationship skills all through their marriage with classes like Marriage Links, Family Wellness, Prep and 10 Great Dates.

Then we need couples who have been married with healthy relationships to mentor other couples. That’s just a small list of what can happen to achieve the gold standard more often as society. There’s even more we could talk about how a community can work together to help this happen, but that will be another blog!

So, no matter where you find yourself in life right now…you can be a Marriage Champion and be a part of the healthy relationship movement. It’s as simple as that.

I’m sure your coffee cup is empty by now. Do you think we can work on understanding each better?

Are you ready to become a passionate marriage champion?

Love Letters: Your Stories

posted by Michele Olson

Whether you consider yourself a “blogger” or not…we really want to hear from you on this blog! Your story will be encouragement to everyone who reads this which just might cause more love letters to be written!

To celebrate National Marriage Week Feb. 8 -17th, thinkmarriage is giving out Love Letter Kits. You can request one from our website thinkmarriage.org. Once you’ve given or sent your love letter, we’d love to hear what happened! You of course are anonymous on this blog, so you can really tell your story. We know that last year, lives were touched…and love letters really made a difference. This year, we are giving out many more, so there should be even more to share!

This is a great opportunity for you to do something that costs you nothing, but that will last forever. At a time in our lives when communication is everywhere, it is not always full of thought and meaning. A Love Letter invites you to choose a quiet place to think, and an opportunity to say things that you may have never said, or haven't said in quite a while.

Afraid you don’t know how? Don’t worry…each kit comes with the tips you need to write a Love Letter that helps you express your own unique personality.

Love Letters have a beautiful history that you can keep going. Here’s a short letter from someone about to savor a love letter in 1838…

To Clara Schmann (1838)

What a heavenly morning! All the bells are ringing; the sky is so golden and clear…and before me lies your letter.
I send you my first kiss, beloved.

Robert Schumann

While our verbiage is very different today, we can all still embrace a Love Letter with the same enthusiasm! It has been said: love in a letter endures likewise forever.

Tell us what happened to you when you wrote your love letter, and also, what happened when your letter was received.

Happy National Marriage week and Happy Love Letter Writing!

A Resolution You Can Keep

posted by michele@thinkmarriage.org

It’s that time of year again, when we begin to make promises to ourselves that if we were being honest, we can’t possibly achieve. I’ve got a “doable” thing you can actually get accomplished and it will broaden your thinking. Purchase a book called Marriage and Caste in America by Kay Hymowitz.

It’s an important read for everyone.

By reading Kay’s book you’ll discover that the dramatic rise in illegitimacy and divorce during the last forty years – something she calls the unmarriage revolution – has been largely limited to less educated men and women.
Less educated women are much more likely to have a child without getting married first – over half the births to women without a high school diploma are non marital. And when they do marry, they are far more likely to divorce than college educated women. Given that children who grow up with their married parents do better on a wide variety of measures, that means family structure is playing an important role in the rise of inequality.

Think about it. Because the children of single mothers are more likely to become single parents themselves, the marriage gap is self-perpetuating. The children of college women will go on to become college educated, marry, only then have children, as well as to be affluent. The children of less educated women are more likely to not graduate high school, or if they do, to drop out of college. They often go on to have children when they are not married who will go on to repeat the cycle. That’s the basis of the title of Kay’s book: Marriage and Caste in America.

Kay goes on to explore in her book the importance of marriage as a social institution that has evolved over time to satisfy economic and social requirements.

Turns out it is more than “just a piece of paper.”

American marriage contains all sorts of messages about how to live and succeed in society. It provides the young with a life script, and orientation towards the future and it promotes wealth creation.

Still one of my favorite quotes of the season is from It’s a Wonderful Life when Clarence the angel tells Jimmy Stewart’s character that they don’t use money in Heaven…and Jimmy’s character responds: “Yah, well it comes in pretty handy down here Bub!”


While you’re buying Kay’s book, why not pick up
The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher


These two books will give you some facts and thoughts that can only make you better. And, isn’t that more important than once again vowing to run a marathon?

Mr. and Mrs. #4

posted by Michele Olson


Since we’re all about healthy relationships here in our state of Wisconsin, it’s appropriate to talk about a relationship of one of our state’s most beloved sports entities.

I’m talking of course about Mr. and Mrs. #4.

Here’s some thoughts from Deanna on getting to know Brett as she wrote in a recent Guideposts article:

"It seemed like Brett and I had known each other forever, and we almost had. We grew up together in the small Mississippi town of Kiln. We went to the same school through twelfth grade. I remembered his cute blond cowlick and the way he sat in the bleachers in high school with the laces of his high-top sneakers untied. We got to know each other playing two-on-two basketball—I was just as much a jock as he was. One day he called me up and I could hear a lot of voices in the background saying, "Ask her, ask her." Finally he drawled out, "Will you go with me?" We were officially a couple, but most of what we did together was sports. We played catch on our dates and for a present he bought me a glove and a catcher's mitt. When his dad saw Brett firing fastballs at me, he came running out of the house. "Boy," he said, "you can't throw that hard to a girl!" It didn't stop Brett. Or me, for that matter. I loved him, even if he wasn't the most romantic guy. On the way to our senior prom he drove off with his wallet on the top of his car so he couldn't even pay for our dinner. In college he courted me with a plastic red rose—following a spat when I wouldn't speak to him for a month. Then he gave me a second red rose the next date. The third one appeared in his car shortly thereafter. "I guess this is the last one," I said, inspecting it. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "Because the tag on it says three for ninety-nine cents."

As the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, Brett’s career has been nothing short of amazing. Something to ponder is whether the fact that Brett is committed to a successful marriage with Deanna has also played a role in his success. If you explore one of thinkmarriage’s Marriage Myth Buster Guides, you’ll see the facts back up that idea. Twenty years of social science research tells us that married people are healthier. While heart disease can shorten a life span by six years, being unmarried chops 10 years off a man’s life!

One day in the not too distant future Brett will retire, but Brett and Deanna’s life together will go on. More of Deanna's thoughts:

" No matter how often we speak to each other during the day, we always say "I love you." We've both become big note writers and card senders, encouraging each other. Just the other day I discovered a letter Brett had hidden in my vanity drawer when he went off to training camp. God has given us strength to do more than we ever thought possible and he's knitted us into the partners he knew we could be. Not long ago we were at Disney World with a group from Breleigh's cheer squad. Suddenly I noticed Brett pulling a pink blossom from a flower bed, giving it to Breleigh. Then he said with a smile in front of the group, "Give this to your mother and tell her how much I love her." I thought of the boy with his three-for-ninety-nine-cents roses, and gave thanks for who we were now. Cancer and the trials we've faced could have driven us apart. By God's grace we were driven toward each other—for support, for strength, for love."

You don’t have to be a record breaking quarterback to have a healthy marriage. Consider taking a class in the near future. If you’re not married, attend a How to Avoid Marrying Jerk(ette) Workshop. (There's one coming up Dec. 8th in Green Bay) If you’re married, check out our calendar at thinkmarriage.org for a class in your area.

I’m right with you if you’re a Packers fan! At this writing they just beat the Carolina Panthers and have an impressive 9-1 record. What’s really important in the big picture though is to be a fan of healthy marriages. It’s great to watch Brett break numerous records, but probably the most important record he and Deanna can strive for is a “till death do us part” healthy marriage.

We wish them all the best.

To read the complete Guideposts article go to guidepostsmag.com and read the 10/1/2007 article.


If you’re a Packers fan or a healthy marriage fan…let us hear from you!

What? You didn't get a thinkmarriage Marriage Myth Buster Guide yet? Just email your name and mailing address, requesting a guide to info@thinkmarriage.org

A Matter of the Heart

posted by Michele Olson

The BBC recently put out a news release stating that the stress and anxiety brought on by a rocky marriage or relationship can take a toll on your heart.

That brings up the point we’re always stressing here at thinkmarriage…it’s about a healthy relationship…not just a relationship. We also work hard to get the word out, that you don’t have to enter your relationships just hoping or wishing it will work out. There are tangible and real things you can do to ensure a great future.

1) If you are single and desire to be married one day, now is the time to start to prepare. There are many books and websites including thinkmarriage.org with wonderful information that you should be taking advantage of…and of course, check our calendar of classes to see if there is a How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette) class coming up in your area. Why not ask a friend to join you in your pursuit of information?
2) If you are in a serious relationship or engaged, commit to taking advantage of pre-marital education and preparation by getting some of the great DVD’s available, the many books you can read and by attending a church’s pre-marital programs to prepare you for marriage. You can’t spend enough time before you are married exploring each others thoughts and attitudes toward every day subjects. The whole cliché about the importance of how you squeeze the toothpaste tube differently became a cliché for a reason…you should be talking about everything, from small issues like toothpaste to big issues like finances and children.
3) If you are married, realize that on-going marriage education is for you, no matter how many years you have been married. Often when we are out in the community we have to smile at reactions from people as they see our signs…if they are newlyweds, they often think marriage education must be for someone married at least five years. If we talk to someone who has been married five to 10 years and often raising children, they think they are too busy for marriage education and they’ll do it later. Those who are empty nesters and who have been married 20 years or more think we must be talking about someone younger. The truth is, marriage can always use the boost of a great article to ponder or a class or workshop. If you’re married, marriage education is for you!

The internet, books, websites and organizations like ours - make it your business to be thinking about, talking about and promoting healthy marriages and relationships…your own…or those of the people in your community!

Besides, a good healthy relationship and a healthy marriage is good for you heart. The BBC said so. Read the article.


Who should be promoting healthy marriages? YOU!

If not, you…who?
If not now…when?

Who Knew?

Posted by Michele Olson

There was a recent article in Redbook Magazine by Ylonda Gault Caviness that is one of the best down-to-earth articles I have read on marriage. Entitled 8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage, the writer points out that even if we are in touch with reality, there’s something deep down inside that still sees ourselves riding off in the sunset to experience happily ever after. Here’s an overview of the points, and a few little synopsis comments from me too!

You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

Remember that old song, if that’s all there is my friend…then let’s keep dancing….and then something about booze! The author points out that if you’ll let go of all the “ga ga” stories of eternal bliss and be in the moment, you just might realize that a real marriage is far more rewarding.

You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

The issue with people is - once you’ve mastered what you think you need to master about them, they change. (The alternative; Stepford people. That’s not a pretty thought!) You’re never finished and neither is the hard work of having a healthy marriage.

You will sometimes go to bed mad and wake up even madder!

Another way of looking at it: sleep on it! Sleep brings a greater calm, a new perspective and let’s face it, lessens the urge to do something drastic which would feel so good in the heat of the moment.

You will go without sex – sometimes for a long time- and that’s okay.

Say what? The author points out that no matter how drop-dead gorgeous your spouse is, or not…there are times you don’t feel like having sex that have nothing to do with them.
For example, sometime sleep is more important than sex. You are encouraged to not believe what the soap operas portray about intimate regularity and instead find your own rhythm as a couple.

Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

When it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong…just two different ways of looking at things.

A great marriage doesn’t mean a lack of conflict, it simply means a couple is trying to get it right.

Take that Ward and June Cleaver! (Wait, they did have some conflicts about the Beaver!)

You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

And no matter how noble your efforts as to why the other person should change, this whole tactic is exhausting and just plain doesn’t work.

As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find what you’re really made of.

If you even thought you had issues, you’re going to find out in no uncertain terms you do have issues, and that you are a work in progress. Oh, and look back at number 2 again.

So there you have it… the author’s 8 points and my take on some comments to follow.
Now…before you run off to read the whole article, why not send this to a friend or leave a comment? What point really struck home with you? Feel free to come back and leave a comment after reading it too.
There’s some good discussion here….let’s talk! Redbook article

The Marriage of Joan and Bob

posted by Michele Olson

What do you mean when at your wedding you say; “for better or for worse, till death do us part.”

Those words have great meaning for Joan and Bob Waldusky. Joan is 49 years old and lives with her husband Bob in Menasha, WI. She has a terminal disease called Huntington’s chorea which causes symptoms like involuntary body movements, impaired neurological activity and frequent falls. In addition, Joan’s condition is heightened because of pre-existing disabilities from an auto accident. She can no longer attend to her own needs like personal care or meal preparation. Her husband Bob has temporarily retired to become Joan’s full-time care attendant so she can live her life to its fullest in a loving home environment. Mobility issues now require Joan to have 24/7 monitoring for personal safety, and Bob wants to be the one to provide it for her.

Why is all of this on a thinkmarriage.org blog?

Maybe because Joan and Bob’s story will make us all stop for a moment and think about our own commitment to the healthy relationships in our lives. Maybe we’ll think about the fact that healthy relationships don’t necessarily mean “bodily health.” Joan and Bob are Myth-Busting Marriage Champions who live out what it means every day to incorporate good communication and conflict resolution skills into a less than ideal situation.

Their vision is even bigger than the two of them. There is going to be a Benefit and Spaghetti Feed coming up on Sept. 22nd, from 11:30 am to 5:00 pm at the National Guard Armory, 2801 W. Second St. in Appleton, WI. The monies raised in this benefit will be used for care and expenses not covered by medical assistance, to improve their housing situation to make it more handicapped accessible. And here’s an insight into how Joan and Bob think;
“Joanie’s Huntington’s House” will eventually become part of the Joan Waldusky Foundation and serve as a fully furnished temporary hospice to couples facing terminal illness.

To donate to monies, building materials, craftsmanship, auction/raffle items or help at this upcoming non-profit event, contact Bob via email at rwaldusky@new.rr.com, or call 920-558-4117. You can also contact the Community Benefit Tree, the fiscal non-profit partner handling the funds at: http://www.communitybenefittree.org/

For the next few weeks when we think about marriage, let’s think about dear people like Joan and Bob Waldusky and the kind of example their commitment and love is to all of us.

Never Ignore a Theme

posted by michele@thinkmarriage.org

Have you ever been going along your merry way and out of the blue, a theme begins to emerge?

That’s what happened to me.

I was thinking about this blog, and was about to go a very different direction when several things from the pile on my desk began to thread together and look like something. Hmmmmm. What is that about, I wondered?

It all started when I came across the New York Times listing of the 10 Most Viewed Articles of 2006. I’ll show you the top three on the list…

1) What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
2) The 10 Best Books of 2006
3) Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish they Had) Before Marrying

Interesting. Of all the articles that people chose to view in the New York Times, two out of the top three involved marriage. Wow, now you have my attention!
My next stop was to read the number one article.

What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage by Amy Sutherland

Delightful. Well written. Fun. And you can find it here. (But read the rest of this blog and comment first!)

Turns out while researching a book she was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, Amy started to make comparisons between what trainers could accomplish with wild animals like hyenas and baboons and what she might accomplish with some of the incompatible behaviors she was experiencing in her marriage. Her key insight came from watching a dolphin trainer who taught her about L.R.S – Least Reinforcing Syndrome.

But wait, before you head for that article…one more tidbit.

Around the thinkmarriage offices, there is a well-loved movie from the 60’s called “If a Man Answers.” This movie, starring Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin, follows what happens when a mother gives her daughter advice on how to train her husband using a dog training book. Come on…can you ever lose when you watch a Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin movie?

The bottom line is: we can learn a lot from our friends in the animal kingdom when it comes to healthy relationships and marriage. I’d write more, but I have the irresistible urge to go to the zoo.

Enjoy the Shamu article and don’t forget to leave a comment on this blog!

(If you are coming here from the newsletter and looking for the 50 year, coffee table hint…see the blog prior to this one! AND don’t forget to sign up for our monthly newsletter, just send an email to info@thinkmarriage.org and put; send me the newsletter in the subject line!

Posted by Michele Olson, thinkmarriage.org

Today I'm interviewing Sheryl Kurland who has written a book you must know about...and there's a special offer for you below too...so don't miss a word of this interview! (Sheryl is pictured above!)

Hi Sheryl…Thanks so much for giving us the time for an interview today. I want people who visit thinkmarriage.org and read this to know about the beautiful book you have written. Everyone in our office has seen it and loves it! Your book is Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years or More. It contains interviews with 75 couples who have been married 50 plus years. What an accomplishment!

Where did you first get the idea to do this book?
My grandfather called my grandmother “Miss America” every day for the 67 years they were married, until he passed away. Contrast this with the “celebrations” waged by the media day-in-and-day-out on celebrity divorces and celebrity roulette – trading who’s sleeping with whom. Add to that the ease with which couples get divorced today – like they’re pouring out a bad cup of coffee. The spark to write the book was derived from being sick and tired of hearing failure, failure, failure, and relegating myself to document “real life” successful, love stories. I wanted to know and share with the world the nuts and bolts from the “real-life” relationship experts. There are a gazillion “Dr. Phil’s” who’ve written books, but we rarely, if ever, hear directly from the voices of experience, those who’ve walked-the-walk and talked-the-talk….It’s logical, if you want to become a great artist, you take lessons from those whose work you admire and desire to emulate. Parallel this association with “relationships and marriage.” “Everlasting Matrimony” is a book of 150 role models that explain how to build loving, lasting and fulfilling relationships and marriages. Over 4,000 years of marriage/relationship experience are documented in the book.

How did you go about recruiting couples?
I located the 75 couples married 50+ years by advertising in newspapers, and contacting retirement communities and churches/synagogues around the country, and I received many responses. Those couples kindly gave me friends and family members’ names who also met the 50-year anniversary criteria. Thus, the couples who participated fanned out across the country, and represent a “sprinkling of America,” from all different faiths, backgrounds and ethnicities. I also became quite assertive, and in my daily comings and goings, when I saw an elderly couple with that twinkle in their eye, I introduced myself and told them about my upcoming book. I met one couple in Wendy’s Hamburgers. I was about to walk into the restaurant with my daughter when an elderly gentleman opened the door from the inside, allowing his wife to exit first. Bingo! I did a 180 and stopped and talked with them. They are the Slodyskos in the book! I met others at Disney World, on an airplane, at the grocery store, vacationing in the mountains, anywhere and everywhere. I had my radar out all the time.

How did you decide to follow the format of interviewing the husband and wife separately? There’s a conception, which, when you read “Everlasting Matrimony,” you’ll realize is actually a misconception, that wives do all the talking and their husbands say “Yes, Dear! You’re Right!” So, to avoid this potential hazard, I interviewed husbands and wives separately. Interestingly enough, husbands often had much more to say than their wives. All were frank, honest, informative and inspiring, and many are down-right funny. Throughout the book, they touch upon virtually every aspect of marriage.

Tell us about the photographs in the book…
Each of the 75 couples in “Everlasting Matrimony” has a dedicated two-page spread. There are two black-and-white photographs of each couple on their pages, one “early” and one “current.” The early photographs are magnificent, with the old-style clothing, men looking very dapper and women very elegant. In many, the husbands are in military uniform. Some are wedding photos, and the bridal gowns are breathtaking. The “current” photographs are casual. There’s something quite interesting to notice when you compare the early and current photos of some of the couples…The way they are embracing or touching each other is almost identical. If a picture is worth a thousands words, these are worth a million.

What surprised you the most about what you learned?
One big surprise was that the couples, both husbands and wives, eagerly talked about sex! I never asked them specific questions, but they described sex as a wonderful dimension of their marriage. Many said that some of the best sex they ever had was after arguments, when they kissed and made up they had some of the best romps in the hay!.......On a more serious note, I was so moved by their perseverance over the years. These couples have lived through two wars – World War II and the Korean War, which required separations as long as two and three years, the economic depression, they didn’t have the medical technology we have today (some have lost children due to illnesses and conditions that are now treatable or curable), nor the communication technology, and marriage counseling was not readily available and it was also considered taboo. If you were to lump all of these negatives together and fast-forward to today, you would tell a couple getting married under these circumstances that they are crazy to get married, and if they do, they are doomed to fail. For the couples in “Everlasting Matrimony,” their love never wavered. Period. For them, “divorce” was as bizarre as putting mustard on a hot-fudge sundae.

What were some of the common threads among the couples?
There are two that stand out. One is the “D” word. In today’s generation, the “D” word is “Divorce,” but for “Everlasting Matrimony” couples, the “D” word is “Determination.” That no matter what curve balls life threw their way – good, bad and everything in-between, they were determined to get through them together. And not just get through them, but to find ways to sustain harmony and contentment in the marriage……The second common thread among the couples has to do with “quality” versus “quantity.” Most of the couples in the book were living in poverty when they married. The core of their relationship was “quality.” Over their lives, their financial positions improved, but they never forgot the essence of their relationship – the “quality.” In contrast, today’s couples are consumed by “quantity.” How many homes, fancy cars, boats, designer handbags, etc., can we buy? So much so that “quantity” eclipses “quality” and, in many cases, obliterates it.

How did doing this book affect your own marriage?
I’ve been married only once, and that is to my wonderful husband of 17 years, Steve. We have a great marriage, and that was true even before I wrote “Everlasting Matrimony.” However, I would also say that writing the book saved me about five years of marriage counseling! The lessons I learned are immeasurable. Any page you to turn to has some nugget of information or an idea that makes you think “Hmmm, I hadn’t thought of it that way” or “I’m going to try that.” There is so much material that I never stop learning……..There’s a common saying “If only knew then what I know now.” “Everlasting Matrimony” gives you time-tested advice, a retrospective look and ability to gain the “now” wisdom without a lot of the mistakes, and trial and error that occurs over time..…Also, there are a number of great techniques couples in the book share to solve arguments once-and-for-all. Some are quite creative and innovative. Of course my husband and I have our occasional banters, which have allowed me to experiment. I shuffle the techniques to see what works best for the situation at hand. I’ve never told Steve the argument-solution techniques in-the-moment, but have found they work by osmosis!

Once your book was published, how has it been received?
The greatest compliment was Dr. Laura (Schlesinger) selecting “Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More” as her book pick on Valentine’s Day 2006! She gave it a stellar review on her Dr. Laura Radio Show. I’ve been interviewed by Leeza Gibbons, Sally Jessy Raphaël, and radio, TV and newspapers across the country. All of the reviews and interviews have been very complimentary. I’m still waiting for Oprah to call me though!

Will you continue to follow these couples in some way?
I do. I have become a “family member” to many of the couples, although I may have never met them in person. We keep in touch by phone, email or letters. I continue to learn from them on an on-going basis…..As an aside to all I learned about relationships and marriage, my outlook on growing old is one of excitement and peace. Most people fear aging. The “Everlasting Matrimony” couples have so much gusto and verve for life! Even though many are physically challenged by the infirmities that come with aging, they feel the best is yet to come. It’s infectious to be around them.

In addition to the book’s availability, what else are you doing to spread the advice of couples married 50+ years?
I have been asked to speak and present programs for all different types of audiences, professional and community organizations, businesses/corporations and colleges. An employer would be amazed to know the negative impact on the bottom line of an employee going through a divorce or in a bad marriage or bad relationship. Offering relationship education in the work setting can be as beneficial to the business as any job skills enrichment program. In the college setting, many students today have little or no perception of what a good relationship looks, much less how to build one, because they come from splintered families. The students work hard to make good grades, but no matter how brilliant you become, if you show up at your job feeling lousy because you got the door slammed in your face on the way out leaving home, it makes for a pretty rough day. The programs are a combination of educational and entertaining.

I think this is just about the most perfect gift you can buy for an engagement, wedding or anniversary. How can someone learn more about the book and get a copy for themselves?
My web site is http://www.everlastingmatrimony.com/, and visitors can preview the book there. “Everlasting Matrimony” can be ordered by clicking on the “Buy” tab. The order form has a slot to provide information for me to write a personal message to the recipient, if desired. The book retails for $39.95 each, but for anyone who orders the book having read this thinkmarriage.org interview, I’m offering a special discount rate of $35 each! To get the discount, in the “Special Instructions” box on the order form, write the words: thinkmarriage. The price adjustment will not show on the order form calculation, but it will be appropriately applied to your charge……And, on my web site, visitors can sign up for free, weekly, email “Time-Tested Relationship Tips” from couples married 50+ years. Every Monday a new tip is mailed to subscribers. Subscribers can cancel at any time. And, I never share email addresses with anyone. To sign up, on almost every page of http://www.everlastingmatrimony.com/, there’s a sign-up box in the top right corner.

If your readers have any questions, I can be contacted at Sheryl@EverlatsingMatrimony.com, or phone: 407-786-7747.

Sheryl, I know anyone who explores your book will enjoy it as much as I have. Thanks for spending time with us here at thinkmarriage.org and thanks for passing on the savings to any of our readers who are interested in ordering this great book! Keep in touch so we know the rest of the story of these dear couples you interviewed.