Come Laugh With Us Oct. 16th

Posted by Michele Olson


If you live in Wisconsin or upper Michigan, we would love to have you attend our evening of Music, Love and Laughter Thursday October 16th…great refreshments, music and the comedy of national MARRIED comedians Jerry Barnes and Amy Miner. Fresh from appearances on NBC, CBS, Comedy Central and VH-1 to name a few, this funny duo will have us all laughing.
We wanted to get to know them a little better, so I asked some questions about the people behind the comedy.


Tell us a little bit about how you met…was it on a comedy circuit?

- Yes. We met in Seattle at the Comedy Underground. We wouldn't recommend looking there for a partner. You are better off on eHarmony.

Did you know right away that you would combine your act and be married comediennes together?

- The idea never actually occurred to us. We have a producer/friend who asked us to write a show for one of his theaters about the first year of marriage. That went really well and we started getting requests to perform together. It has only really been in the last year that we have been performing together nearly full time.

Let’s hear some “hard luck” stories about how you got started and rose to the place of being on places like NBC, Comedy Central and MTV!

- Most hard luck stories stem from being hired to do comedy in the wrong place. A holiday party for fishermen. Not, let's go to the lake and get a couple bass type fisherman. More like, been at sea for six months eating nothing but spam fisherman. A bachelor party at sea, where the host doesn't tell anyone you're a comedian. So you're at sea, making fun of the groom and no one knows who you are.

Awkward!

A stage surrounded by a chain link fence like a moat so the audience couldn't get to you. A cruise where everyone is 80 and older. Come to think of it, most "hard luck" stories seem to be water related.
-

How many years have you been married and do you have any kids?

- We have been married 6 years. We have a 3 years old daughter and one on the way.

So is it funny every day at your house?

We may be comedians but we are still married. Every day is funny. but it might not be funny till six months later.

Do you notice that different parts of the country laugh at different parts of your act?

-There are certainly different geographical cultures within this country. In Virginia, we can make fun of West Virginians. No one else really thinks that is funny. When it comes to marriage, there is no difference. Men are men and women are women and we all have the same struggles. Women like to shop the same in Texas as in New Hampshire and men forget their anniversary in Florida and Washington. It might just be the one thing that makes us all Americans.

Be honest, have you ever been in a fight and had to go on stage and act as if you aren’t a little miffed at each other?

-Nope. But once we had to go on stage after one of us - JERRY - had a few too many onions in his dinner.


What have you learned doing marriage comedy that has helped you in your marriage?

It's like a night out for us, plus, someone watches our kid. Tine away form the kid(s) always helps the marriage.


Get your tickets now for this great event. Register online or call (920) 430-7300.

Webisode Your World

by Michele Olson

Do you have 15 seconds?

This could be the best 15 seconds you spend if you visit our webisodes. You'll be entertained, you might have a reflective thought or two and you'll have the opportunity to incite your inner marriage champion by forwarding these webisodes on to your friends.

This is a forward they will actually thank you for.

What are you waiting for?

Start your :15 second adventure right now!

Then come back and let us know how many people you sent it to and what you think!

Applauding This Hollywood Couple

Posted by Michele Olson

Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married for 50 years at the time of his passing on Friday.

One of the best actors of our time, Newman and his wife can also be remembered as a married couple who didn’t let the Hollywood life shake their remarkable 50 years together.

A.E. Hotchner, a lifelong friend and co-developer of Newman’s Own Famous salad dressing has known the couple their entire married lives. He has stated that the Newman’s simply never fell out of love, even during the rocky patches that occur in every marriage. He also said they stayed the course.

During interviews Newman was often asked how he and Joanne managed to stay together when so many other movie stars strayed. Mr. Newman answered :“I have steak at home. Why go out for hamburger?” For her part, Ms. Woodward said she stayed with Mr. Newman because he was able to make her laugh.

Our condolences go out to Mrs. Newman and the whole family.

We hope the Hollywood marriages of today take note.

The Economy and Your Marriage

Posted by Michele Olson

There's a timely article in today's Chicago Tribune talking about the stress on couples from the increase in their monthly mortgage payments because of ARM adjustments.

It points out that couples can be experiencing tremendous stress from this issue and the economic downturn taking place.

The article also states that if a relationship is fundamentally sound, money problems aren't likely to lead to divorce. It points out that the best approach is a pro active one to protect your marriage.

One of the first suggestions from the piece tells couples to consider attending a relationship workshop.

You can find them across the country and of course don't forget to check out the classes available from thinkmarriage.org

These are tough times. Be proactive and take a healthy relationship workshop!

Something Old Something New

posted by Michele Olson


How have things changed for marriage in the last 50 years? AARP recently compiled all the differences from 1958 as compared to 2008.

Take a look…this is interesting!

Annual Weddings:
1958: 1.5 million Today: 2.4 million

Most Common Name:
Then: Mary and Robert Now: Jennifer and Michael

The Stereoptype:
Then: Blushing Bride Now: Bridezilla

Gown:
Then: Princess lace, handmade by Belgian nuns $135.00
Now: Strapless and sexy $1,317.00

Tux Rental:
Then: $5.50 Now: $69.95

Age:
Men Then: 22 Now: 28
Women: Then: 20 Now: 26

Life Expectancy:
Men: Then: 57 Now: 70
Women: Then 65 Now: 78

First Dance:
Then: “All I have to do is Dream” Everly Brothers
Now: “No One” Alicia Keys

Postage for invitations:
Then: 3-4 cents
Now: 42 cents

Piece of cake per guest:
Then: 35 cents
Now: $4.52

Honeymoon cost:
Then: $237 Now: $3,680.00
Destination:
Then: Niagra Falls Now: Hawaii

Number of Children:
Then: 3.6 Now: 2.1

Divorce Rate:
Then: 33% Now: 50%

What kind of conclusions do you draw from the comparison? Were you or your parents, or grandparents married in 1958…or this year?
Let us hear from you!

Happy 80th Anniversary Clyde and Marie!

posted by Michele Olson


Would you like to read more about a happily married couple?

How about a couple who has been married 80 years! You have probably seen a long-time married elderly couple who unfortunately have to be separate and live in a nursing home in extremely ill health by the time something as rare as an 80th anniversary comes along, but that’s not the case with Clyde and Marie Barnes.

Married for 80 years on Sept. 20th, they have so many children, grand, great grand and great-great grand, they have lost track of how many they actually have. Their oldest “child” is now 74 and says they have been great parents.

When asked the secret to their long and happy marriage Marie explains, “We just try to love what the other one does and do it together. If he suggests something, I try to go along with it. And if I suggest something, he seems to do the same.”

They also seem to have a sense of humor, another vital part of a healthy marriage.

This Salt Lake City, Utah couple are truly an inspiration…

View the video of their news story here.

What healthy marriage tips can you share that you believe will help you along the way to your 80th anniversary?

Marriage and Money

posted by Michele Olson


Disagreements over money are the leading cause of divorce.

Makes understanding your marriage and money pretty important, right?

The other causes are kids, religion and in-laws, to name a few, but the almighty dollar tops the list. At the basis of the disagreements about money is vulnerability. When it comes to money, we are forced to share our dreams, priorities, fears and goals. That makes it possible that disagreements about money, aren’t really about money at all!

It’s often not the amount of money that causes the friction, but how the money is handled.

A full 60 percent of married couples surveyed by the Consumer Credit Counseling Service report fighting about money with their spouse. In other research, 57% of divorced couples cited financial problems as the main reason they didn't get along.

Dave Ramsey, author of The Total Money Makeover shares these tips when it comes to couples and money:

1) Opposites Attract. Usually a spender is attracted to a saver. This can work because they can create a balance. He suggests you have to sit down and work out finding the middle but very few couples do that. You need to get rid of “I” and start thinking “we” when it comes to money habits. It can be a power issue, so you have to discuss how you are using it together.

2) Together is Better. Get rid of the negative thoughts about money and realize that two heads are really better than one. Working together on goals and dreams can improve communication. If you can’t sit down and discuss money, then there are larger issues in play.
(Hint; for better marital satisfaction, communication and conflict resolution skills where everyone can reach decisions in a healthy way, take a thinkmarriage.org workshop!)

3) Budget can be a dirty word. Really it’s just a plan of how you will spend your money. It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun anymore. Start to think of it as telling your money what you want it to do so you don’t have to wonder where it went!

4) Lose the Battle but Win the War. Sometimes you each have to let the other win small battles so you can stay on track and reach your mutual financial goals.

5) Stick to the Plan. That means sticking together and sticking to the plan. Think about this; when the debt is gone and you have money in the bank, all that’s left is to enjoy it together. Sticking to your plan is also telling each other that you respect your mutual goals.

Don’t let these tough economic times put a damper on your marital satisfaction. Let them be a catalyst to help you work together and strengthen your relationship.

thinkmarriage.org offers a workshop called “Family Wellness, The Couple, The Strongest Link” which is an excellent resource to help you have healthy discussions about marriage and finances.

Tell us about how money matters influence your marriage.

Marriage in the Later Years

posted by Michele Olson

Are you a younger married person wondering if love can last?

Take heart says author Maggie Scarf, age 77, who has spent more than 30 years studying relationships. Married for 55 years to her husband Herb Scarf, a Yale professor, she has done the research and is living it out.

Her new book, September Songs, contains a U shaped curve. It illustrates how studies over the past 40 years show that contentment is at its highest in the earliest phase of marriage. Then you get to know each others faults and idiosyncrasies. Kids come along, you lose sleep, you want the other person to do more, and life ceases to be as shiny. While raising adolescents your sense of well-being can plummet further.

Next it's the empty nest ...and when embraced... it is possible for your sense of well-being, contentment and time for intimacy to go up. You can rediscover the person you once knew.

Her book is based on interviews with 75 couples, all older than 50 and married 20 years or more. She addresses contentment, sex lives and how people get better with age.

So if you're in those early years and wondering...is it worth it...there are many couples out there who would like you to know, yes, it is.

What stage of marriage are you in?

Tell us your story.

“The End is in Sight” or “We’ve Only Just Begun”

Fifth blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to an on-staff guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story! Sarah writes:

I am finally starting to get excited. These past couple weeks have been filled with finalizing details and reorganizing lists and gathering supplies and rallying the troops. At the time I am writing this, there are currently ten days until our wedding day. Tim has the pergola built and set up in the backyard, Mom and Dad have been tending to the garden and house, and I have been trying to contact and finalize plans with vendors. I have also been learning how to delegate tasks and find a balance between work time and play time and planning time. It is no easy undertaking. I have also been attempting to move some of my belongings down to Tim’s house…and have realized that it is futile to think that I will have everything completely moved before the wedding. There’s just no way. There are still more tasks outstanding than make me comfortable, but hey, what can you do except to keep on plugging away at them. One of my high school teachers once asked the class, “How do you eat an elephant?” The answer she gave us was, “One bite at a time.”

One of the other things Tim and I have done in the past weeks that has been of great value to us is take the Prepare-Enrich Inventory. This is a program that can be taken online or with paper and pencil. It can be used for pre-marital as well as married couples. The inventory is designed to help a couple realize their areas of strength as well as their areas of growth. Basically, what areas are you good at and what areas need a little more working out? After we took the inventory, we met with a couple who has been using this program for several years with young couples in their church. They walked us through the evaluation, and explained to us what each indicator meant. We also had a chance to talk through a few of the growth areas that we have. I don’t think either of us was surprised at the feedback we received. I do think that it gave us a great opportunity to discuss some very important matters, before the wedding. Even in the midst of all the craziness and business and planning it is important not to lose sight of what it is you and your fiancé are planning and preparing for. The wedding is one day, one glorious, beautiful, significant day. Your marriage is for a lifetime. It has been a priority for us to continually invest time and energy in that long-term goal and relationship instead of unintentionally neglecting it in favor of wedding hubbub.

Planning this event together has given us opportunity to practice our communication skills, our conflict resolution skills (certainly), having patience and being gracious towards one another, and has also reaffirmed the idea that we are indeed on the same team. That is just the sort of foundation on which to build our marriage.

Sarah and Tim's big day is almost here! Stay tuned for the rest of the story!

“Why Can’t You See Things My Way?” A Crucial Tip to Overcoming Disagreements and Creating Acceptance in Your Marriage

By guest blogger Larry Bilotta*

Would your marriage improve if your spouse would just do things "your way"? Most of the time, this just isn't the case.

Let's imagine for a moment that you married your complete opposite, your relationship is stressful and the two of you can't even agree what to have for dinner. Does this mean that for the rest of your life you’ll have to endure an endless series of battles over "your way vs. my way" unless one of you gives in?
There is no need to argue over "who does what which way." And most importantly, neither of you need to change who you are.
The first thing you need to do is talk with your spouse about the things you passionately believe in - or feel strongly against. You can start by discussing the little things in life that frustrate you.
For example, my wife absolutely hates when people pop, smack and chew gum with their mouth wide open. While this may sound trivial to you, it absolutely drives my wife crazy.
Now, if I didn't know WHY this little pet peeve drives her mad, I might become annoyed and aggravated whenever she starts to attack the nearest "irritating gum chewer" under her breath. But here’s why that doesn’t happen. Most people don’t know this, but each and every one of your pet peeves, habits or beliefs is created by a memory or event from the past.
Take my wife for example. The reason she becomes so frustrated when people pop and crack their gum is because her mother would do it without any regard for her feelings throughout her entire childhood. My wife hated it then and she still does today. This seemingly trivial issue brings back too many painful memories from the past for her. To my wife, a gum chewer might as well be scratching nails on a chalkboard or screeching a fork against a plate, while to others, it’s not a big deal.

The main idea here is that you need to discuss with your spouse WHY you do things a certain way, WHY certain things frustrate you and WHY you love other things. And don’t be afraid to talk about the "problem areas" in your marriage. That is the point of this discussion after all.
Give your spouse your perspective on "hot topics" in your marriage which could be anything from punctuality, family values, religion, eating habits or even personal privacy. Ask your spouse questions and have your spouse do the same.

Ask questions like:
"Honey, when you were growing up, did your mother or father have a problem with being on time?"
"What happened when you were young that makes you hate clutter and messes so much?"

WARNING: Don't make this sound like an accusation! If you do, your positive discussion will be over! When you ask your spouse these questions, s/he will probably struggle for words or not come up with an immediate explanation for WHY he or she does these things and that's okay. Try to jog your spouse’s memory by recalling your own memories about this subject.
For example:
"The reason I (fill in the blank) is because my parents (fill in the blank) when I was a child."
Remember: you and your spouse were shown how to live by your parents or guardians. They shaped most of what you value and believe in today. The point of this discussion is to understand WHY the two of you disagree on any given topic. This will help the two of you accept each other because you'll no longer feel threatened by your very different values in life.
Use this tip to get to the source of your problems and gain a better understanding of your spouse. If you don't know which values are causing conflict in your marriage, you'll never be able to truly resolve your disagreements.
When I finally understood WHY my wife's values were so different from my own, the stress in my marriage was drastically reduced. I know you'll find the same to be true when you put this marriage saving tip to use in your own marriage. For more information and articles on marriage, visit http://fulfilledcouple.com/blog/*

* References and websites from guest authors do not necessarily constitute or imply endorsement, recommendation, or preference. The views and opinions of guest blog authors expressed herein do not necessarily state or reflect the attitudes and opinions of thinkmarriage.org.

A Man of My Own

We think you will enjoy this recollection from a friend of thinkmarriage.org
After reading this story, we'd love to hear your thoughts...and perhaps it will make you think of of some similar situations in your own life.



“A Man of My Own”
By P. Woehrer


We lived on the western edge of the Sherman Park neighborhood in Milwaukee. The single-family houses and duplexes were very modest compared to other homes that Sherman Park was famous for. Our block was ethnically diverse with Caucasian, African American, Hmong, Latino, and mixed-race families. About a quarter of the homes were female single head of households and another quarter was elderly residents who had established that neighborhood in the early1900’s.

Early one summer evening we were sitting outside on the front porch and watching the neighborhood kids play. As my husband Steve moved toward the street to pick up a rolling baseball a little 8 year old girl came running up to him, threw her arms around his leg, hugged him tightly and said “give me a hug!” A bit surprised, my six foot husband bent down and hugged her back. Just as quickly, she withdrew and their eyes locked for moment and both shared huge smiles. Little Shamika* ran back into her vacant yard, arms flailing in joy. Steve had obviously given her what she was looking for and we both chuckled at the sweet scene.

Days later, I was again sitting on my porch. Steve had been there too, but left for a few minutes to tend to something. Shamika walked over and stood before me.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing to my wedding ring.

“It’s my wedding ring,” I said.

She sat next to me, and asked where it came from. Somewhat surprised by the question, I responded simply that my husband had given it me. As she gazed at it, the wheels began turning in her young mind. Pointing inside my house, she asked if “the man” in there was my husband. Again I was a bit confused why she would need to ask, but I responded that yes, he was my husband. Then she asked if she could have my ring. My first thought was that she needed some lessons from her mother on what is appropriate to ask an adult, but then it occurred to me that something much deeper was going on inside this little girl.

Young Shamika did not recognize the important symbolism of the wedding ring. In her family, her mother was not married. She only saw a father figure when a man came by from time to time to spend a few minutes with his biological son. There was another man who came to visit Shamika’s mother, but then the children were required to play outside for a while.

I felt bad as I explained that I could not give her my ring. For a moment, she seemed a bit embarrassed for having asked, but then had another idea that might fulfill her desperate inner need.

To my amazement, she asked, “Could I have your man, then?”

The entire conversation seemed surreal despite my own family heritage of divorced parents and my proclaimed appreciation for cultural awareness and sensitivity. I realized then that I didn't have a clue of what this little girl was missing, or needed, or hoped for. It also surprised me that even though I felt our own household was fragile at times due to the hectic pace of life and the adjustments to a marriage relationship; Shamika suspected it was better than what she had in her own home. At least there was a man there – every day. She instinctively seemed to sense that this was something she wanted.

For weeks, Shamika almost “stalked” Steve! She would watch for an opportunity to see him outside so she could charge forward for a spontaneous hug. Steve gladly obliged as a simple ministry to her.

I wish now that we had reached out more intentionally to Shamika’s mother and her family to tell her about my belief of how God has a divine order for relationships. As I reflect on the fact that Shamika would be about 22 years old now, I still have to wonder how she was affected by the pattern of relationships she observed while she was growing up. I have to wonder if she ever did find “a man of her own.”

*A true story but the name has been changed.

Thank you for sharing this poignant story. Do you have a story to share with us? Please feel free to forward and don't forget to share your thoughts!

Are You a Hall of Famer?

posted by Michele Olson

Stop!

Answer this question quickly:

Did you ever think you would be "inducted" in to a Hall of Fame?

You might be thinking...baseball, football or rock n' roll...either way, you probably have come to terms with the fact that most of us just won't get there!

That's OK! There's a very important Hall of Fame where you can become a member. The thinkmarriage Hall of Fame may be just where you belong as a married couple. Married the most years? No, that's not how you get in. The most kids? No, that's not a criteria either. A significant anniversary? Great time to submit your story, but not necessary.

So, how do you get in the thinkmarriage Hall of Fame?

The fact is: our Hall of Fame is simply made up of people who value marriage and want to let the world know. So whether you're still on the honeymoon or been married 30 plus years...we'd love to put a picture and a short story of you and your spouse in our Hall of Fame. (Hint...I see big brownie points in the future of a man who lets his wife know that he loves her so much he wants to tell the world by becoming a part of the thinkmarriage Hall of Fame!)

Visit our Hall of Fame to get an idea of what we're looking for, send an email with a jpeg of the two of you, or you can include your family...and let's see your smiling faces not on the cover of Rolling Stone...but in the thinkmarriage Hall of Fame!

Why not forward this blog and have a whole bunch of your friends and family become a part of this wonderful declaration of love ?

Which Ever Way You Lean; Vote Marriage!

posted by Michele Olson

This is a letter that was drafted by the California Healthy Marriages Coalition, a healthy marriage initiative working in the state of California. We can easily adapt it to use it here in our state of Wisconsin...and we don't even have to do the work of writing the whole letter!

Whether you are a Democrat or Republican...you can make your voice heard when it comes to healthy marriages and their importance to our country. Once you've read the California version, check out this template for a Wisconsin version.

Dear Mr. President-to-be,

Senator Obama, Senator McCain: Do marriages matter to you? We hope they do, because they certainly matter to (name Wisconsin County, and Wis.County kids.) And, to all the kids in America.

Kids thrive in families where their parents have a healthy marriage. Sadly, most couples don't know what it takes to have a healthy marriage. This can be devastating for their kids. Plus, it costs taxpayers a bundle. Family breakdown is costing Wisconsin $737 million a year according to a recent report from Georgia State University Economist Benjamin Scafidi and David Blankenhorn from the Institute for American Values. Across America, the social cost of divorce is estimated to be $112 Billion each year.

Fortunately, there is Marriage Education! Marriage Education is a preventive, skill-based approach that teaches couples the skills for marital success. It's painless and fun and it helps couples have the kind of relationship they want to have for their own lives and for the lives of their children. Research shows that couples who take Marriage Education classes are significantly less likely to divorce.

Marriage Education programs are alive and well here in Wisconsin.
Through a wide variety of Marriage Education and Relationship Skills classes available at the Wisconsin website, thinkmarriage.org , we are teaching thousands of people each year how to strengthen their marriages and families.
There are six key counties in Wisconsin benefiting from the Federal appropriation that funds the Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families Healthy Marriage Demonstration Grants.

This funding is helping families thrive, and saving our communities from the much greater cost of family breakdown. thinkmarriage.org in Wisconsin is grateful for this funding and we hope we can count on you keep this worthwhile endeavor going forward.

Because Healthy Marriages Matter,

(Your name)

So there you have it...the template of a letter you can customize and send to your favorite candidate. Please let us know what you are doing. You can get a copy of the report from The Institute for American Values that talks about the cost of divorce and unwed childbearing to our nation and our state. Visit thinkmarriage.org on the home page for details of how we can send you the report, or how you can download it for free.

“40 Days and Counting” or “Wedding Planning Causes Multiple Personalities”

Fourth blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!
Sarah writes:

Last you all knew, Tim and I had been dating for a couple months, figured out what to do about rising fuel prices, and both had a hunch that we were getting ourselves in to a relationship of long-term value and significance. The moment when he slipped and used the word “girlfriend” in a conversation he had with a co-worker, the countless motorcycle rides…it was on one of the first bike trips we took that I knew, I just knew. And I heard a song playing in my head, unsolicited, and saw us in my mind’s eye, dancing at our reception. You can bet that totally freaked me out.
The first time he told me he loved me, and I echoed the sentiment, the first holiday we spent with each other’s families, our Christmas trip to Chicago during which Tim was very ill and still tried ice-skating for the first time! The bookshelf he built me, the BB King concert tickets he surprised me with for Valentine’s Day…

It is all of these things and many more that keep me planning, keep me moving ahead. People have been asking me, ever since we got engaged May 18th, “Are you SO excited for your wedding? How is the PLANNING going? Are you just so EXCITED?!” I usually pull out a smile and end up saying something like, “The planning is going well (for a while there it was pretty scary) and I am too busy (tired, stressed, fill in the blank) to be excited for the wedding yet. But, I AM excited to be married to Tim.” They usually look at me like “Why isn’t this bride absolutely ecstatic? What is wrong with her?” I have learned from these countless repeated exchanges that sometimes it’s best just to say “Why of COURSE I’m excited, I am THRILLED, and the wedding planning is going GREAT!!!” and let them go away, satisfied with my answer.
Since we are funding the wedding predominantly ourselves (with some assistance…thanks to those people!) we have been trying to do much of the preparation and planning ourselves, as well as attempting to be economically brilliant and go the DIY route. Not a bad plan, just a lot more time and energy and effort required. Though I won’t go into any specifics on this one, let’s just say that even keeping it simple, wedding planning can make anyone go NUTS. Tim and I have had to work through more things, miscommunication, hurt feelings, time management, financial business, whatever, as we plan this shindig. And lemme tell ya- it has NOT been pretty sometimes. On the flip side, I am SO thankful for the chance to practice talking through things, forgiveness, problem solving, and learning more about what makes each other tick. What hot buttons NOT to push. (WWIII, anyone?)

At this point, I am getting glimmers of excitement for the actual day as more and more items are being crossed off my to-do list. One things remains, and continues to increase with each day, I am more and more excited about spending my life with this kind and persistent man, and thankful that he feels the same way. Together, we can survive the wedding!

What will happen next as Sarah prepares for the big day?

Do you have any advice for her as the countdown continues?

Tune in for Sarah's next blog coming here soon!

Is it Time to Divorce Your TV Set?

posted by Michele Olson


The Parents Television Council has just released a new study;
Happily Never After: How Hollywood Favors Adultery and Promiscuity Over Marital Intimacy on Prime Time Broadcast Television.

Wow…that’s a mouthful!

The study points out that broadcast networks depict sex in the context of marriage as either non-existent or burdensome while showing positive depictions of extra-marital or pre-marriage sexual relationships.

As a sitcom lover from way back, I am disheartened to see TV turn into a medium for bombarding viewers who just want a good laugh from a well-written show. More and more I've tried to find the redeeming value in a funny or interesting premise, only to have to cringe and turn off the TV. I find myself going more and more to the channel that just plays the old shows from the 60’s and 70’s. To think we once blushed at cutting edge programming like All in the Family and couldn’t bear to see married couples in the same bed on TV like Rob and Laura Petrie and Lucy and Ricky Ricardo.

We used to rely on talent, not shock or fringe behavior for entertainment.

Networks have decided that a laugh is a laugh...even if it's an “easy, uncomfortable” laugh that so many comediennes have resorted to. They've forsaken the idea of investing in good, solid writing to a more mainstream audience. They've also made it extremely difficult to break into the industry without pitching something shocking and bizarre.

What was once deemed as deviant or criminal behavior has been given the stamp of approval by the TV industry.

Can you imagine being from a remote foreign country, getting your opinions of the U.S. only by what you see on TV, and thinking this is really how most of us act in America?

If just “blocking” certain shows is the answer, The Parents Television Council (PTC) found the reliability of this V chip technology to be inconsistent. That doesn't seem to be the total answer to protect children either. It's just as harmful to see the eroding of what we will tolerate simply because we are not given much choice for certain mediums of entertainment.

Michael Medved, Nationally Syndicated Talk Radio Host and PTC Advisory Board Member points out that we have moved from portraying just destructive sexual behavior to the de-glamorization of marriage. Has the message become…you’d have to be crazy to get or stay married?

What can you do as a Marriage Champion?

Write and email the advertisers in the programs.

Write and email the networks.

I don’t think shaking our heads and turning off the TV is the total answer any more than it makes sense to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

TV can be a worthwhile form of entertainment and relaxation. We just have to let our voices be heard about what we want to see as a society in programs, and maybe just as importantly, what we won't tolerate.

Let’s keep fighting for healthy portrayal of family and marriage on television.

What’s your opinion?

Have you ever written to an advertiser or network about content in a TV program?

True Stories of Saved Marriages

posted by Michele Olson


As a resource for marriage, authors often contact us regarding their books on the subjects of marriage and healthy relationships. A recent book is well worth reading and giving to someone who wonders if their marriage can be saved. The book is aptly titled: Can My Marriage be Saved and it’s written by a mother/daughter team; Mae and Erika Chambers.

Mae and her husband John have had their marriage saved since 1985 according to their bio. Because she has seen her and John’s restored marriage story have a great impact on so many people, Mae partnered with her daughter to put together a book full of saved marriage stories.

While the book addresses individual stories of people who had their marriage saved, savedmarriagenetwork.com website also founded by the mother/daughter team has resources for all types of marital brokenness including financial struggles, abuse, separation, sexual addiction, loss of a child and more. Some of the resources are also listed in the back of the book.

The tone of the book does include a faith element as part of the healing, but with such a strong message of hope, it’s easy to see how anyone can benefit from seeing so many types of hopeless situations turned around.

In an age when marriages are discarded often too quickly, even considering the option of saving a broken marriage is a refreshing change.

Have you read this book? Do you have a story of a saved married?
We’d love to hear from you!

Take Note David Letterman

posted by Michele Olson


Are you a fan of lists in general and possibly the Late Shows Top 10 List?

Here's an overview list of 10 things you can think about that can get you on the road to a healthier marriage. It would be fun if you and your spouse would use it as a springboard to make your own personal list with the title:

10 things I can do to have a healthy marriage.

Why not give it a try and let us know what happens!


10 things you can do to have a healthy marriage

1. Spend time with each other.

2. Learn to negotiate conflict.

3. Show respect for each other at all times.

4. Learn about yourself first.

5. Explore intimacy.

6. Explore common interests.

7. Create a spiritual connection.

8. Improve your communication skills. (check out thinkmarriage.org and take a class!)

9. Forgive each other.

10. Look for the best in each other.


Do you have a top 10 version to share?

DISTANCE or “Am I worth more than $3.92 to you?”

THIRD blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

Tim lives about 30 miles from where I do, so one of the things we’ve had to work through is distance. I know, I know, 30 miles is nothing compared to some long distance relationships out there, but with gas prices the way they are…believe me, it matters. We worked out somewhat of a system. We’d see each other maybe twice on weekends, he’d come up here one time, I’d travel there one time. We also began talking on the phone every night. We didn’t plan that, it just happened on its own. Both of us have shared since then that our day just didn’t seem complete until we had connected with the other, even just briefly.

Trying develop a realistic plan to get to know one another, be smart about our personal schedules, and not go broke seeing each other was one of the first challenges we faced. It was difficult for me initially, because I wondered why we didn’t see each other more often. Tim was patient and tried to explain just how much it would cost us financially if we saw each other more than 2-3 times a week every week. Not including eating out, or costs of other activities. I can remember doubting sometimes if I was worth it, or if I was expecting too much, or if he really liked me, or…or…and my mind took off, out of control. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. That irrational fear/anxiety/doubt/control that takes over, and if we’re not careful to nip it in the bud it is bound to start conflict, and not in a healthy, everyone wins sort of way!)

It took a few tries, but we figured it out, and I saw his point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me, it was more that if we wanted to keep this relationship at a healthy and safe pace as well as a financially wise one (think quality, not quantity, and also longevity versus burnout) we needed to keep our visits to 2-3 a week. That also helped us keep our own identities sound and stable instead of getting so caught up in one another that we lost them, or left our friends in the dust.
I should note too, that we try to keep our activities focused around things we can afford (we splurge sometimes!), that we both enjoy, that teach us something, and that promote good conversation. For example, within the first couple months, I brought with me on our date the workbook from How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette). In the back is a section called “99 Questions to Ask in the Premarital Process”. I thought, “I wonder how easily he scares?” We have found it to be a very useful tool in addressing topics and helping to shape our conversation to deliberately get to know one another. We called these dates “Business Meetings”, dates that we specifically wanted to address particular issues or topics.

I am not advocating that you make it a formal, dry event, but be purposeful in getting to know one another. Learning as much as you can about the other person is one of the most important things you can do, whether you’re single or married.

It is key in building trust.

What's next for Tim and Sarah? Stay tuned...

Poll Finds Americans Still Believe in Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

Turns out people still know a good thing when they see it. We all know the sad 50% divorce statistic, and we might be thinking people don't believe in marriage anymore.

Not so according to results from a new GK Roper poll.

The article states that marriage is so valued by society that people look at it as a goal in life. If you have the ability to talk to some teenagers, ask them if they hope to be married someday. You'll find even in an unscientific study that they do see themselves married along their life path.

It's also interesting to note that young people who have grown up in a culture of divorce are not scared away from the commitment marriage provides. Instead, they look at failed relationships around them and believe that their relationship will work out differently.

Now we need to let them know that their chances of achieving the goal of a successful marriage is even better with pre-marital and on-going marriage education. Please help us spread the word...people deserve to achieve their life goals.

Read the full article be sure and be sure and share some thoughts on this blog!

First Date, Sarah and Tim

Second blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's first blog) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

“FIRST DATE” or “I think there might be something to this…oh man, am I in trouble!”

Tim called me a couple days later to set up a date. I was still skeptical.

“I don’t know that I want to go on a date”, I said.

His response, “Well then, we can call it something else, but I’m still taking you out.”

We didn’t end up figuring out any date plans for the following weekend, but we did end up talking for THREE hours, and totally lost track of the time. Somehow we got our plans sorted out, and we agreed on the following Saturday for Asian grille. As it happened, that Saturday night was also the first Packers pre-season game. (For those of you who are from Green Bay, you know what a HUGE deal this is to most). I thought he would try to reschedule our date, or convince me to order take-out and go back to his place to watch the game. I had just come from another wedding reception, and had dressed up a bit. He greeted me at the door in a collared shirt and tie, looking as dapper as could be.

He also made it clear that there was no way he’d skip our date, or alter the plans we’d made just to watch the Packers (WOW- Gold Star #2). We had a great dinner, and then the evening continued as we talked until after 2 in morning. We covered many important topics that first night. How we each approach dating(with long term intentions in mind, and kind of as an interview process, as it turns out!) , things about our families and how we were raised, personal goals, different jobs we’d held; he even busted out his high school yearbook. Scary. I think both of us knew then that there was something of real value between us, and that we wanted to pursue it deliberately, wisely, and thoughtfully.

Tune in to Sarah's next blog when they ponder taking their relationship forward when they don't live in the same city...

The Beauty of the Flag Page

by Michele Olson

Once you've done a Flag Page, you'll find yourself asking other people... "have you done your Flag Page?"

Developed by Larry Bilotta and used also by Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, the Flag Page is a simple online test that helps you understand your passions in life...what makes you tick. It's not a personality test, but it does come amazingly close to understanding what really "trips your trigger" in life.

Larry is the leading authority on understanding people. Rather than a psychologist, Larry is a former advertising agency specialist who built his system for understanding people on the foundation of psychology studies and 11 years of his own research. The Flag Page helps to simplify the complex ideas of psychology in order to quickly and easily understand the motivations of people. He has used this tool to help over 4,000 people gain focus, motivation and a sense of purpose in life. The Flag Page is a simple, on line tool that gives a surprisingly accurate level of insight into what motivates people.

This proven tool has been used to reduce stress and create understanding in a wide range of areas from businesses to marriage.

Right now you can get a free flag page code if you attend a FREE Laugh Your Way Seminar with Mark Gungor of Laugh Your Way on High Def Screens and in-person presenter Larry Bilotta!
July 26th in Fond du Lac, WI and Aug. 9 in Appleton, WI. Register at www.thinkmarriage.org by entering the Classes area.

You can also purchase Flag Page codes at www.laughyourway.com

So...what's your Flag Page?

Meet Sarah and Tim, they're getting married!

Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

We’ve been engaged for a little over a month now. In some ways it seems much longer than that, and some days I think to myself, “What? I’m getting married!?!!” Tim and I met at his sister’s wedding. (Tim’s now brother-in-law M. and I have known each other for almost 6 years. I met Tim’s sister S. when she and M. began dating a few years ago, and was invited to share in the wedding doings.) We actually only saw each other when the bachelor and bachelorette parties ran into each other by accident. His sister had mentioned earlier in the evening at dinner that her brother was single, and one of us should consider dating him. She listed some of his qualities: good-looking, smart, kind, great job, funny…shy. I wasn’t interested in getting involved, as great as he sounded. Too good to be true? I even said to my friend J. who was sitting next to me, “You can have him, he’s yours, I don’t want him, no way, no how!”
I basically ignored him all night. I did, however, notice just how handsome he was.

I figured there must be something really wrong with him.

Or maybe he’s just a jerk.

Probably is.

Fuggeddaboutit!

Skip forward a couple weeks. It wasn’t until the wedding reception that he came up and started making conversation (read flirting, or trying to). His straightforward manner and lack of any sort of false bravado intrigued me instantly. How refreshing! One of things he started talking about first was the new router he had just gotten in the mail, and how he felt like a kid at Christmastime. Tearing open the packaging. Pulling out the instruction manual. Pouring over it like it held the answers to all of life’s questions. And telling me all of these things with a grin on his face, knowing fully that his power tool obsession was a thing of amusement. “Hmm, there’s someone who knows how to laugh at himself. I dig it. He just earned a Gold Star.” We wound up talking for several hours that night, and somehow he managed to get my phone number as I was leaving.

I didn’t really know if he’d call or not, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.

Watch this blog to follow Sarah's story! Next time... there obviously had to be a first date, but what was it like?

We'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe you'd like to share the story of how you and your spouse met ...feel free!

Free Classes, Free Gas

posted by Michele Olson

Free.

It gets your attention.

Sometimes it's something worthwhile, other times...you feel ripped off. Here is one instance where you can look at the word FREE and let go of any time you've ever hoped something FREE would be great and were disappointed. This will not leave you shaking your head, but instead smiling ear to ear when you consider the positive skills it can bring to your life.

All classes for married couples are FREE for the summer at thinkmarriage.org !

It's true. Yes, that's a $69 value...so cha ching cha ching! But that's not all..the first 20 couples that register in a county and complete the course will receive a $50 gas card once the class is done.

Free Classes. Free Gas.

And you can choose from classes like Family Wellness, 10 Great Dates for Married Couples and Marriage L.I.N.K.S!

Complete details are on the registration area of our website.

There really won't be a better time than this to enhance your marriage with greater skill, spark and fun.

What are you waiting for?

P.S. Tell your friends!

Bottom Line Bill

Our neighboring state of Minnesota has an interesting article in their monthly publication aptly named Minnesota Monthly. The focus of the article is on Bill Doherty, the director of Marriage and Family Therapy in the department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
I’m sure he has something much shorter on his business cards, because he is also the author of 13 books, including Take Back Your Marriage.

As you’ll learn in the article, Bill, a marriage therapist by trade, is all about salvaging marriages. He talks about our unrealistic expectations of marriage in our consumerism society. He also talks about the great benefits that marriage brings…so many in fact, that he wants couples to really know the facts of what they’re giving up if they choose to divorce. He is reminding us about the counselors roll in staying “values neutral” when a couple comes in for a session. He admits that if there are problems, most therapists are trained to focus their energies on supporting the individual in decision making…and that may be divorce. The problem is; couples in turmoil may not be hearing all the options available.

Perhaps you have first-hand experience with this dilemma.

Read the article and feel free to comment on what you think.

Do You Know Your Spouse?

posted by Michele Olson

Do You Know Your Spouse?

That might seem like a silly question, but let this little story explain:

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

You get to write the ending to that story any way you would like!

The truth is, we are all evolving and changing as people through circumstances, outside influences and the very art of aging. It's important to "keep up" with each other and aware of where each other is in our heads. That takes desire, time and skill. A great way to stay on track is to take the time to attend a healthy relationship, marriage education workshop. If you live in Wisconsin, visit thinkmarriage.org and click on the classes tab...if you are from another state, check into what is available in your area. There are great opportunities happening across our country and you don't want to miss out.

Your marriage can be one of the best experiences and most precious things in your life. But, like every good thing you pursue, it will take some effort. Marriage education is a tangible, fun, interesting way to work on your relationship.

What are you waiting for?

Does Divorce Make People Happy?

posted by Michele Olson

Do you remember the famous line about divorce from the popular advice columnist Ann Landers? She advised that the benchmark for getting a divorce or not was answering the question "Am I better off with our without this person?"

You could also interpret that as....would I be happier if I was divorced?

We're not talking here about the cases of domestic violence, which are in their own category...or cases of any type of abuse...but rather the typical couple who have no glaring social ill. In 2002, a team of family scholars chaired by Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago decided to study the question: Does divorce make people happier? What resulted was a study and a report entitled Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages.

They looked at couples who rate their marriage as "unhappy" and then re-interviewed them five years later. With different pathways chosen they were able to follow unhappy spouses who chose divorce, separation or stayed married. Common sense would point to the fact that if you're unhappy and you get divorced, you will be happier compared to those who stayed married "unhappily". Surprisingly the study showed that..no...people weren't happier. It's an interesting study and I recommend you read it to find out what they studied and how they came to this conclusion.

I look forward to your thoughts on the study.

Fun and Games with a Purpose

posted by Michele Olson

There are all styles of learning but one of the most popular is interactive games. poweroftwo.org does a wonderful job of using online interactive web games to teach about relationships. With a plan to grow in the future, right now the site focuses on expectant parents. Currently there is an even more distinct focus about domestic violence. Whether the subject matter directly applies to you or not, check out the site. It's very well done and interesting to see how they accomplish learning through this style...online.

For anyone reading this who needs help in the area of domestic violence, Visit ndvh.org or call toll free 1-800-799-7233 or you can remember it as 1-800-799-SAFE.

Check out the site and let us know how you liked the games!

Happy Father's Day to All the Dads!

posted by Michele Olson

Happy Father’s Day to Dad’s everywhere from thinkmarriage!

Here’s something interesting to share: there is a new campaign geared to African American Fathers from the National Fatherhood Initiative called: What's Your Legacy? They are also promoting a media campaign designed to inspire African American fathers (or men who are thinking about having children) to consider marriage for its benefits to the well-being of their children. Based on inspirational stories, the campaign serves to encourage their younger peers to consider how important marriage will be in their journey to build a legacy for their own families.

The campaign is also supported by the brand new website featuring the interactive African American Marriage Wall. This Wall allows visitors to add a “brick” that contains text and photos telling their families marriage story. This is truly a place to build a legacy for future generations. Because it’s in the very beginning stages, now is a great time to add a story.

To all Fathers everywhere…thanks for all you do!
Do you have any great “Dad” stories you would like to share?

Giving Circles

Posted by Michele Olson

Times are tight and the average person doesn't have a lot of extra money to give. That's why an article I read in the Dec. 07 issue of Family Circle is even more important. The idea is that groups of people, mainly women in the article, get together to pool their money. This can be just spare change or more as the case may be. The point is...when people are upset about things happening and they want to do something, there is often greater strength in numbers. It's happening so much that it now has a name: Giving Circles.

As the article states, a group meets every other month and each member contributes about $10. They put their passion into action and brainstorm ways to help and how they will contribute their monies. Imagine the fun along the way of just getting together over a potluck as your gathering becomes something important in the big picture and something you can all share in!

The article if filled with tips on ideas to start your own Giving Circle. If you're looking for a great cause...of course we at thinkmarriage volunteer to be the recipient of your Giving Circle!

Read the article and let us know your thoughts!

To Get a Good Nights Sleep...Work on a Happy Marriage!

posted by Michele Olson

Those scientists...they're always out there studying something that may be just a no-brainer. If you are happily married it turns out you are more likely to have a better night's sleep than your less content counterpart.

The study included results in falling asleep and staying asleep. A bigger question might be for employers...how productive are your employees who are having marital discord? This study tells us they aren't sleeping well. That's probably just the beginning of the pain. If you want to know the cost to your company of divorce, we can provide you a worksheet.

But we're not here to point fingers. We just want to acknowledge what is and be a help as well. We can bring all kinds of interesting and fun classes to your workplace that can help keep marriages and healthy relationships on track...the type of skills that might help people get a better nights sleep. Just send an email and we'll get you the divorce worksheet and more info on bringing classes into your place of business. Here's the link to read the complete story on how a happy marriage helps you sleep.

To sleep ...perchance to dream....

An Easy Way to Get Involved

posted by Michele Olson

Did you realize that you can contribute to thinkmarriage through ebay?

You can!

ebay has a "giving arm" called Mission Fish. If you are an "ebayer", why not consider listing some items that when sold will benefit the mission of thinkmarriage?

You can visit our Mission Fish/ebay page to get started. We have a friend of thinkmarriage who found us on mission fish, liked what we are doing to support healthy marriages and started listing items to benefit our non profit work. And, he's from California! It would be wonderful if we could get some folks right here in our state of Wisconsin who use ebay and would like to do something that can help. It doesn't have to be big ticket items (although those are great too)...anything you want to sell on our behalf is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance and let your other ebay friends know too!

Thoughts From a Judge

posted by Michele Olson

A Judge Who Cares About Marriage

What happens when a judge cares about marriage?

In June, 1996, James Sheridan founded the organization, Marriages That Work in Lenawee County, Michigan, to address the problem of divorce. He spearheaded a gathering of local ministers and civil officials who perform weddings to work on the issue and invited Mike McManus of Marriages Savers® as the primary speaker. The group met on February 14, 1997, becoming the largest gathering of the type in the history of the county. The result was striking: sixty six members of the Lenawee County clergy and all thirteen civil officials authorized to perform weddings agreed to require education in communication skills and dispute resolution, in addition to taking a premarital inventory, before they would perform weddings.
This was the first time in the United States all the civil officials in a county have joined together to require premarital education. The media went wild. James Sheridan was interviewed by over a dozen radio talk shows from across the United States, the BBC in England and Germany. Articles appeared in publications quoting Sheridan extensively in Europe, England and many cities in the United States. He was interviewed on ABC Good Morning America, The CBS Evening News, The ABC Evening News along with local news shows from Detroit and Toledo. He was also an invited guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Thoughts from Judge Sheridan:

What we have to keep in mind is that the marriage movement is a process, not an event. Each of us has to do the small part we are able to do. Collectively, these small steps will make a big difference. I am a great believer in what I call "the straw theory of life." You have obviously heard the phrase: "the straw that broke the camel's back." Question: what causes the back to break? Answer: the back is already loaded down with straw and that last straw is one too many. I believe each of us is obligated to throw our "straw" on this problem. If we don't, the pile will never build up and the "last straw" the one that "breaks the camel's back" will never be reached. The good news is I can see more and more straws being thrown. It is a long, slow, tedious effort, but the pile is growing. What we have to do is not get discouraged, but keep throwing our straw at every opportunity.
- Judge Jim Sheridan

Hey! Are you doing your part to prevent the “last straw?”

To hear our interview with Judge James Sheridan…visit the media page of thinkmarriage.org

Men Afraid of a Bad Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

A recent Yahoo article talked about Bachelor Carl Weisman, a 49 year old who conducted a survey of 1,533 heterosexual men. He was doing research for a book geared to give women insight into why some smart, successful men opted to stay single -- and help lifelong bachelors understand why they are still the solo man at parties.

He concluded that most men were not afraid of marriage -- but they were afraid of a bad marriage.

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.

Wisconsin Radio Network asked me to comment on the story. You can read and hear my comments by clicking here.

What is your take?

Do you think Carl is off base…or do you agree with his point of view?

Preventing Affairs Resource

posted by Michele Olson

Affairs are devastating. That's the bottom line. They bring on pain that you wouldn't wish on anyone...always to someone. Through a domino effect they can break the hearts of a wide circle of people. Wouldn't it be smart for every married person to have a resource to understand how to prevent an affair in the first place? That resource is available in a book, aptly named Preventing Affairs by Peggy Vaughan. Still available in PDF format at DearPeggy.com, it's just become available in a printed/bound version through through amazon.com. Peggy also has other excellent books on marriage as well as some great articles on her website.

If you are personally affected by an affair...you will benefit from this book. And for every married person...it serves as a smart choice to realize we need to protect our marriages.

Wisconsin Constitutional News

Posted by Michele Olson

It can be hard to keep up with everything happening on a state and national level. Not every issue gets a big headline in the newspaper. So it's helpful when you can read a press release that summarizes rulings that you should be aware of. No matter what your opinion on the matter is...we want you to be informed.

On May 30th, a Dane County Circuit Court judge ruled that Wisconsin's Marriage Protection Amendment does not violate the "single purpose" or single subject provision of the Wisconsin Constitution. Wisconsin Family Council, who was represented by the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF), filed an amicus (friend of the court) brief for oral arguments before Judge Richard Niess. To read a press release from Wisconsin Family Council regarding this ruling, click here.

Feel free to blog what you DO think and we'll keep you posted as we get more news on this important subject.

The Change in the 26 Year Old Male

by Michele Olson

Author Kay S. Hymowitz, someone we've mentioned before in this blog because of her book Marriage and Caste in America has a very interesting article out that you may have heard about on talk radio, or read for yourself. In case you haven't, here's the link to the article she wrote titled:
Child-Man in the Promised Land

The article focuses on the differences found in a typical 26 year old in the year 1965 as compared to a typical 26 year old of today. In 1965 you probably had a factory job and were starting out your white collar career. You also have probably been married for several years. Jet pack into the future and your typical 26 year old is working in a cube somewhere, looking to climb the corporate ladder and living in an apartment with some single guy friends.

As Kay points out, we are now seeing a trend that has been obvious to "legions of frustrated young women"...today's young man is more likely to stay in limbo in the world between child and man.

She ponders the questions of what does this mean to us as a society?

How has his "child-man" voice affected media including movies, TV and magazines...and resulted in a phenomenon of "dude media?"

What affect does it have on our world that no one is asking this man-child to grow up?

How does it affect Fatherhood?

Read the article and I'd love to see your comments...do you know a man-child?

Are you one?

Misunderstood

Posted by: Michele Olson

This is a long, but really important blog. Grab a “cup of joe” and let’s talk.

At thinkmarriage.org we have many resources available for anyone reading this blog…A Marriage Myth Buster Guide, A Love Letter Kit, A Fact Sheet, A DVD and of course all the great resources on our website.

That’s one aspect of thinkmarriage.org.

We also list classes on our web calendar available throughout the state, with our thinkmarriage classes available in six key counties: Brown, Marathon, Outagamie, Waukesha, Milwaukee and Fond du Lac.

But there’s another part of thinkmarriage that may not be as apparent. That is our efforts to start a grassroots movement. These type of movements are funny things because you can’t necessarily “light the fire” just through advertising or public awareness. At the basis of every social movement is: the passion of many people.

Think of the big social movements we have witnessed in our lifetimes…

The tear falling down the weathered face of a Native American that ignited the reduce, reuse, recycle movement…which led to our current “green” movement.

The civil rights movement…equality regardless of race or creed.

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, DARE, stop smoking in public places…it’s the passions of many people that ultimately keeps something going in society.

To help you become a passionate member of our movement, we have to look at where we may be misunderstood.

When we are at an event handing out Marriage Myth Buster Guides, we start to see a pattern of people’s reactions to accepting a guide.

From a mature, divorced, woman or man we will usually see a degree of bitterness. They aren’t interested because they have been burned by marriage and have thrown the baby out with the bath water so to speak.

This is a misunderstanding.

From dating or newly married, we often see the anxiety of wondering if they have to become a statistic. They don’t think a fragmented family is in their future, but from watching what is happening around them, they hope they are the exception.

Again, it’s a bit of a misunderstanding.

To someone who has been married a long time, happy or not…they have an aura of “been there, done that”, and your cause is not for me.

Another group not understanding.

From a single Mom either from out of wedlock childbearing or divorce, they think that we might be against the struggle that they are living through…we could just be one more burden to bear on the hard road they often have to travel.

Totally a misunderstanding.

From people living together to widowed individuals to people married with six kids…we can be misunderstood.

Here’s why…the minute someone thinks we are looking at them “personally” with any type of agenda or judgment, they have not understood what we are about.

We are simply about telling the story of what is available and what is possible when people include healthy marriage as the gold standard if they choose to enter into a relationship with another person.
We know from statistics, not matter of opinion, that when a healthy marriage is the goal…people’s lives can be easier and better in a world that throws a lot of obstacles our way just by the very fact that we wake up every morning on the planet.

A higher standard of living…a longer, healthier life… kids with less issues…(Ask for our Marriage Myth Buster Guide...it’s all in there!) We know that the probabilities of this being your life experience are higher if you are in a healthy marriage relationship.

NOW! We all know people who aren’t in a healthy relationship who are living wealthy, healthy, happy lives.

But, don’t misunderstand. While it’s possible, it’s not as probable.

So when we look at society as a whole…the big picture…
what should we encourage people to shoot for?

The point is, no matter where you are in your life right now…it’s the next step you take that we hope to help influence. What we all should want for our culture is to give everyone the best possible chance at sound, healthy relationships.

We know from over 20 years of social science research that healthy relationships are far more probable if single people understand communication and conflict resolution skills and how to look for a life partner…with classes like How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette!)

These relationships are more probable if people wait to have children until after marriage, if engaged couples take a pre-marital inventory of some type before they are married, and if people who are married will continue to work on their communication and relationship skills all through their marriage with classes like Marriage Links, Family Wellness, Prep and 10 Great Dates.

Then we need couples who have been married with healthy relationships to mentor other couples. That’s just a small list of what can happen to achieve the gold standard more often as society. There’s even more we could talk about how a community can work together to help this happen, but that will be another blog!

So, no matter where you find yourself in life right now…you can be a Marriage Champion and be a part of the healthy relationship movement. It’s as simple as that.

I’m sure your coffee cup is empty by now. Do you think we can work on understanding each better?

Are you ready to become a passionate marriage champion?

Love Letters: Your Stories

posted by Michele Olson

Whether you consider yourself a “blogger” or not…we really want to hear from you on this blog! Your story will be encouragement to everyone who reads this which just might cause more love letters to be written!

To celebrate National Marriage Week Feb. 8 -17th, thinkmarriage is giving out Love Letter Kits. You can request one from our website thinkmarriage.org. Once you’ve given or sent your love letter, we’d love to hear what happened! You of course are anonymous on this blog, so you can really tell your story. We know that last year, lives were touched…and love letters really made a difference. This year, we are giving out many more, so there should be even more to share!

This is a great opportunity for you to do something that costs you nothing, but that will last forever. At a time in our lives when communication is everywhere, it is not always full of thought and meaning. A Love Letter invites you to choose a quiet place to think, and an opportunity to say things that you may have never said, or haven't said in quite a while.

Afraid you don’t know how? Don’t worry…each kit comes with the tips you need to write a Love Letter that helps you express your own unique personality.

Love Letters have a beautiful history that you can keep going. Here’s a short letter from someone about to savor a love letter in 1838…

To Clara Schmann (1838)

What a heavenly morning! All the bells are ringing; the sky is so golden and clear…and before me lies your letter.
I send you my first kiss, beloved.

Robert Schumann

While our verbiage is very different today, we can all still embrace a Love Letter with the same enthusiasm! It has been said: love in a letter endures likewise forever.

Tell us what happened to you when you wrote your love letter, and also, what happened when your letter was received.

Happy National Marriage week and Happy Love Letter Writing!