Déjà vu

Posted by Michele Olson

It’s that time of year again, when we begin to make promises to ourselves that if we were being honest, we can’t possibly achieve. I’ve got a “doable” thing you can actually get accomplished and it will broaden your thinking. Purchase a book called Marriage and Caste in America by Kay Hymowitz.

It’s an important read for everyone.

Stop!

Did you accomplish the goal of reading Kay’s book? What you just read was the beginning of my December 2007 blog…a year ago! It’s still a great resolution and easier than losing 10 pounds and exercising for 2 hours every day!

Here's a great goal for 2009...

Become or increase your role as a Marriage Champion!

If your Marriage Myth Buster Guide is dog eared from use, we can get you a new one! Perhaps you never requested one…that’s a great first step in being a Marriage Champion! It’s as easy as sending us an email with your name and mailing address.

Sign up for our e-newsletter. It will keep you up to date on opportunities and thinkmarriage.org news. Visit our store on our website. Talk about the importance of healthy marriages to the people you know. Start a buzz!

Commit to commenting on this blog. Mark it as one of your "favorites." Even a line or two may spur someone else to a thought which could cause a domino effect that changes the world! (It’s that time of year to think big!)

Write a little reminder in your daily planner…set a goal of encouraging healthy relationships and marriage at least once a month in a way that suits your personality.

Consider investing in thinkmarriage.org, visit the donate page of our website.

What you do really does matter.

Can we count on you in 2009?

Let us hear how you've been a Marriage Champion or how you plan on becoming one in 2009!

Have you heard about Dr. Joshua Coleman?

Posted by Michele Olson
*Article posted with permission from Dr. Coleman




Dr. Joshua Coleman is an internationally known expert in parenting, couples, families, and relationships. He has appeared on ABC's 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show (U.S. and Australia), the BBC, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, and NBC television.

So, he’s got the credentials.

He’s written many books on marriage and family including a couple with interesting titles:

The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework
and
The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony

On June 18, 2000 he wrote a Father’s Day article that was published in the San Francisco Chronicle titled; When a Family Man Thinks Twice

This must read article candidly points out something you don’t often hear talked about; the other side of divorce. The loneliness you can’t imagine when all you think about is getting away from this person you married. The pain, the heartaches, the despair that a divorce brings into your life. It’s not about divorce where someone saved themselves from an abusive situation. It’s the 70% that happen that are considered low-conflict when everyone thought they would be better off.


It’s the wondering if it really had to end up like this.

Do yourself a favor and read it. Send it on to the people you know. Here’s where to do that.

What do you think?
Please leave a comment!

You, Children and President Elect Obama’s Transition Team

Posted by Michele Olson

Do you think the kids “across the pond” are that different from kids here in America?

Probably not. Turns out that kids in England who participated in a poll would like a ban on divorce. If they ruled the world, that would be something they would get in place. It’s an interesting study on what kids are thinking.

Speaking of kids, and families and marriages…you have the opportunity to tell President Elect Obama and his transition team what you think about the social issues that his administration will be directly addressing. Click on this link and then under “Agenda” at the top of the screen, pick a social cause, and click “join the discussion.”

We need your help in letting the new administration know that marriage education is vitally important for our future. Explore our website at www.thinkmarriage.org for more information on the importance of marriage education and then let your voice be heard!

 

Shopping with a Purpose

posted by Michele Olson

Why holiday shop 'till you drop when you can shop with a purpose?

thinkmarriage.org recently added a Store section (It's a cool tab on the left side of the website!) This is an area we want to grow and make very "user friendly" but for right now, we just wanted to get going! 

You can purchase thinkmarriage.org mugs- perfect for coffee, tea or hot coco, details are in the store area of our website.

You can also go to www.zazzle.com/thinkmarriage and purchase a wide variety of items like t-shirts for women and men, plus baby items! How about a thinkmarriage trucker hat or tie?

We'll continually add design options as time goes by, so check back often. Not only are you getting a great product, you're also supporting a great movement...the healthy relationships, healthy marriage movement. Check out the merchandise and let us know if there are some items you would like to see. Get all your holiday shopping done online, and feel great that you've been a marriage champion a long the way!

Long Distance Relationships

posted by Michele Olson


Say the words “Long Distance Relationship” to someone and the reaction will usually be a wince or a grimace. They don’t have a great reputation. From the time a first-time college student really understands the concept of a “hometown honey” to Hollywood’s blatant display of marriages falling apart because couples are never together, LDR’s are definitely not encouraged by many people.

There are many couples in the “real world” who have no choice but to live with long distance relationships over a period of time. The military is a prime example of living apart until Uncle Sam says you’re free to go! The age of internet dating has also opened up the possibility that Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful is across the country. Job transfers, ailing family and even the worsening economy can cause to people who would rather be together to live apart.

Fortunately there is technology, web sites and books that can help you put your best foot forward when it comes to long-distance relationships.

The first thing you have to do in such a relationship is really talk about it. What are your expectations? You need to know that you are on the same page when it comes to what your version of a long distance relationship means.

If one person has the expectation that you will talk every day and the other person thinks you’ll be texting once a week…there are going to be issues.

Speaking of texting…thank goodness for technology! Imagine the day when it would take weeks to get a letter somewhere. (Think Little House on the Prairie or any historical Hallmark Hall of Fame movie!)

If you haven’t already, you need to acquaint yourself with cell phones, texting, Skype (and you even get to see each other!), instant messaging, email and the whole host of options out there which will allow you to stay connected because of technology.

While researching this article, I came across a Separation Inventory you can take that will help prepare you for this unique path. The corresponding website actually says that the founder, Dr. Gregory T. Guldner who wrote the book Long-Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide is unavailable until Feb. 2009 as he’s serving our country in Afghanistan. Now that’s walking the talk!

If a long –distance relationship is a part of your life now or in the future, rest assured that there are many resources for you to help you with more than “making the heart grow fonder.”

Books:
The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Apart by Tina B. Tessina

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide: Secrets and Strategies from Successful Couples Who Have Gone the Distance by Chris Bell and Kate Brauer-Bell

Long-Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide by Dr. Gregory T. Guldner

Sampling of websites:

www.longdistancecouples.com

www.longdistancerelationships.net

http://www.missyourmate.com/tips.html

Any tips on how you have handled a long distance relationship? Please blog!

Are Moods Catchy?

posted by Michele Olson

You had a great day at work. Every song on the radio is your favorite as you head home for the evening. You pop in the door, put down your things and say hello to your spouse. Your spouse is not in a good mood. Things didn’t go well at work and there was an overdue bill in the mail.

What happens to your mood? According to three professors Elaine Hatfield,
University of Hawaii; John T. Cacioppo, Ohio State University and Richard L. Rapson
University of Hawaii – your emotions are contagious. Technically the term is; emotional contagion. Their study concludes that people do catch the emotions of others.*

The worst thing is; this can happen unconsciously. It may be happening before you know it. This subject has been studied since the 1800’s and practically every decade since. Originally scientists were interested in the idea of “mimicry”. Imagine yourself listening to someone tell you about a very intense experience such as an accident or an operation….if you could look in a mirror at that moment, your face would be reflecting what you think they experienced. Catching someone’s emotions is very similar.

In another study led by John M. Ruiz, Ph.D., assistant professor of clinical psychology at Washington State University, heart bypass patients with neurotic and anxious spouses were much more likely to be depressed 18 months after surgery -- independent of their own personality. This can be problematic because depression is known to put recovering cardiac patients at higher risk of further heart attacks and death.

Kathryn Matthews, a writer for Oprah’s “O” Magazine recently posted an article called
Marital Mood Leak: Feelings May Be Contagious. She points out that if you see that your spouse is anxious or depressed, you literally feel the pain. She does suggest a few ways to prevent “spousal mood infection.”

Disengage
Make a plan ahead of time on how you will respond to negativity. That could mean leaving the situation by going for a walk. It may mean scheduling more alone time in your relationship or engaging in exercise alone or together. You may need to take the issue up with a counselor.

Find out if the problem is physical
Seasonal affective disorder is a real thing. Is your spouse cheerier when it’s sunny and nice? A special full-spectrum light may be what you need.

Play as a Team
The “O” article suggests couple therapy and of course we would like to suggest marriage education through an organization like thinkmarriage.org

Another great resource is a blog we did Aug. 22, 2007 in our blog archives, What Shamu Taught Me About Marriage.

The good news is that optimism is also catchy! Learning to communicate and resolve conflicts on issues like bad moods can go a long way in keeping your relationship strong.

Tell us your story…have you “caught a mood” from your spouse?

* E. Hatfield, J.T. Cacioppo, and R.L. Rapson, Primitive emotional contagion, Emotions and Social Behavior: Review of Personality and Social Psychology, 14, 151-177. M. S. Clark, Ed. (Sage, Newbury Park, 1992).

Kay Hymowitz and the Obama Era

Posted by Michele Olson

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, or look over at our recommended reading on the right hand column, you will know the name: Kay Hymowitz.

The Manhattan Institute for Policy Research has this overview of Kay’s work:


Kay S. Hymowitz is the William E. Simon fellow at the Manhattan Institute and a contributing editor of City Journal. She writes extensively on education and childhood in America.

Hymowitz is the author of the new book Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age, a compilation of some of her previously published City Journal essays. She examines the breakdown of marriage in the United States and how it threatens the nation's future. The book begins with the proposition that American marriage is designed to further "The Mission"—the shaping of children into self-reliant citizens and workers. Alarmingly, while the children of married parents tend to become married parents themselves eventually, the children of single parents tend not to, fueling a vicious cycle that, Ms. Hymowitz argues, has engendered "two Americas": one marriage-minded, one not; one economically successful, the other perpetually struggling. This is of particular concern to the African American community, in which married parents are increasingly rare. Her previous book, Liberation's Children: Parents and Kids in a Postmodern Age, was widely praised.

Kay also writes for major papers like the Washington Post. She just posted an article reiterating her research and viewpoints in light of President Elect Obama’s step into the White House.
She points out that at this time, Obama has the chance to revive what Lyndon Johnson called “the next and the more profound stage of the battle for civil rights.” She is speaking of the fact that since 1965, through economic recessions and booms, the black family has unraveled in ways that have little parallel in human culture.

Amid all the attention being paid to the economy and the social ills that lay at our doorstep, Kay is a voice reminding us that healthy marriages can be the foundation of the hope that we all so desperately need right now.

Let us hear your thoughts. Add to our blog!

Good Morning America Missed An Important Aspect

posted by Michele Olson


Good Morning America did a story this morning on the subject of marital check-ups…the topic of our November 18th blog. (Scroll back in the archives!) That’s where there is a link to the study.
While it’s great to get this concept on the table, we really wish they would have included marriage education as part of a check-up option, not just counseling. The program compared the idea to check-ups that you don’t neglect in the rest of your life…doctor, dentist...even your car.

A counselor mentions that often by the time people get to counseling, they already have pain or a “cavity” in the works. That’s an important distinction about healthy relationship education. While enhancing communication and conflict resolution skills is helpful when you are having some serious issues, it’s equally as important when things are just fine. The truth is we can all become better at these skills. Marriage is like anything else…easy to take for granted over time. Incorporating a healthy relationship class into your schedule is a good idea. Visit thinkmarriage.org and click on the classes tab to find out about classes in Wisconsin...or the Get Involved section to find out where classes might be around the country.

Feel free to let GMA know they missed an important aspect of the story by commenting on their story. (Hint, that's an excellent way to be a Marriage Champion!)

Marriage on the Radio Every Week Day

posted by Michele Olson



Mark Gungor has announced that as of yesterday his radio show, titled appropriately enough The Mark Gungor Radio Show* will now be broadcasting live every weekday from 10am - 11am Central Time via internet. He, along with co-host Debbie Chavez tackle the tough issues that come up in marriages today.
Here's the link to the live broadcast. The show airs every weekday at 10:00am Central Time. Just click on the "Listen Live" link to tune in. Mark will take your questions during the show by phone at 866-966-MARK (866-966-6275) or you can email your question to radio@laughyourway.com

Mark is the creator of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Seminars, and a friend of thinkmarriage.org

Why not listen with your spouse? This would be a great way to introduce new topics of discussion into your own relationship while learning about marriage and healthy relationships.

Call in with a question or comment and tell them that "thinkmarriage.org" sent you!


*Note: The Mark Gungor radio show may contain religious content.

Parenting, Kids and Still Having a Marriage

posted by Michele Olson'












If you’ve ever been married, juggled careers and had kids…you are busy and probably tired!

It’s that simple. Talk about not enough hours in the day!

There’s an article in the Redbook Magazine entitled:
“2 jobs, 2 kids – where does our marriage fit in?” that you will find interesting. It explores the lives of Meghan and Jeremy Wilker and their world of two fast paced careers, a toddler, a baby on the way and their marriage. The question becomes, how do they make time for themselves?

I’m sure if you are in a similar situation, you can relate.

In their circumstance, they realize that they are not making time for themselves. Even though there are no major issues right now, they are concerned that they will grow apart if they keep putting everything else ahead of their marriage.
The article explores their hot buttons and then some expert advice follows about what they can do about those issues.

One topic is the fact that they take each other for granted. They acknowledge that they get into a “comparison thing” about who is doing more work in their own estimation - who has more stress. When they first married and didn’t have children, this was not such an issue. There was simply more time. The article takes a realistic look at what this couple can do for their marriage.

You are anonymous on this blog, so tell us your story. How do you make time for your marriage in your busy life?

More Empty Beds

posted by Michele Olson

I had the opportunity recently to do something that I had never done before. Along with our Milwaukee County Program Director, I visited the State of Wisconsin, Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility. Let me put it in simpler terms; I went into prison to observe a thinkmarriage.org marriage education course being voluntarily taken by inmates.

Going into a prison and seeing the life there was eye opening. It’s a little like watching something happen that you know about, but you’ve never experienced. Like watching a hurricane or earthquake…something we just don’t see firsthand in Wisconsin. When you see it first hand, it takes on a whole new perspective and reality.

What struck me was the willingness of the inmate participants to share with the facilitator their thoughts on relationships. The tenants of the class being taught covered the healthy steps to a healthy relationship. The participants opened up about their upbringing and their current relationships.

It is becoming more and more apparent in this country that there are many people growing up without any exposure to what a healthy relationship or a marriage looks like. There are always cases of people who just make bad choices when they’ve been given every opportunity to act responsibly, but the number of people who truly never had any chance to “know better” is astronomical. They’re simply reflecting what they’ve seen modeled in life. With the idea that knowledge is power, there are a lot of powerless people walking around making poor decisions.

I was also struck by the compassion of the Deputy Warden, Social worker and staff who really had a desire to see these men succeed. They were very thankful for what thinkmarriage.org was providing…basic communication and conflict resolution skills.

It was an eye opening experience, one that I won’t forget. I’ll also remember the looks on the faces of the general population of the prison. Some of these men can be confined for up to a year in this specific facility. I wondered about each of their stories, what led them there, what they had seen and been exposed to as they went through their formative years. I thought about how their lives might have been different if they had seen healthy relationships and marriages modeled along the way, and if they had started taking classes about healthy relationships in their pre-teen years. I wondered if it would have meant less people incarcerated and more empty beds.

We know from social science research that most of society’s ills fall at the doorstep of the breakdown of the family. That’s why it’s so important that healthy relationship and marriage education be given the chance to become a part of every person’s knowledge base. It truly is a way to change the world.

It's Possible and Is It Time for a Checkup?

posted by Michele Olson

Two recent USA Today articles are worth checking into.

One is titled: Proof's in the brain scan: Romance can last It doesn't always fade over time and the other is called Marriage Checkup Aims to Prevent Problems…both written by USA reporter Sharon Jayson.

The “Proof” article talks about research pointing to the fact the honeymoon doesn't have to be over just because you've been together for years.

New brain scans of people who say they are still in love after decades of marriage are similar to scans of those who have just fallen in love, leading researchers to conclude that long-term relationships can be just as passionate and romantic as new love.

The study, presented Sunday at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience in Washington, D.C., represents a dramatic shift in thinking. Other research "always suggested romantic love is over by 12 to 15 months. This suggests that may not have to be the case," says Richmond Thompson, associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Bowdoin College, who wasn't involved in the study. Read the full article here.

The other article points out that you go to the dentist twice a year and have an annual physical exam, why wouldn’t you protect the health of your union with a Marriage Check up? Sounds a lot like attending a thinkmarriage.org marriage education class at least once a year! Read the full article here.

The World’s Easiest Way to Faster Intimacy

posted by Michele Olson

“How was your day?”

Seems a simple enough question. According to psychologist Angela Hicks, PhD, of Westminster University it packs a wallop.

She studied 48 couples and found that those who discussed recent positive experiences with each other felt happier the next day, and also had increased feelings of intimacy and connection to their partners. It was also found important to discuss the low points. These types of discussions also made a couple feel closer.

It’s interesting to note that 30% of men say their days’ most positive event involved their wife.
27% of women say their day’s most positive event involved their husband.

So looking for the world’s easiest way to faster intimacy? Just ask a simple question.

You can read the complete study here.

Now it's your turn!

Tell us about your relationship. Do you and your spouse ask each other about "your day" every day?
Do you agree with the author’s findings?

A Look At Long Lasting Love in Korea

posted by Michele Olson

It seems that a long healthy marriage is like a smile, universal and important in every language and culture.

Korea states that with a staggering divorce rate of 47%, longstanding couples are considered a rarity in today’s Korean society.

This article entitled Two Become One on Journey of Marriage crosses any cultural borders in the advice to spend time communicating and a unique admonition to “love each other’s weaknesses.”

It’s interesting to think about the importance of healthy marriages to every culture, as the foundation for a strong society. Enjoy a look at another country's acknowledgement of the importance of longevity in marriage.

Can A Marriage Survive an Affair?

Posted by Michele Olson

I love television…the medium and all the funny, happy moments it can bring if you watch the right programs. One thing I don’t like is its inability to convey the depth of pain that comes from some real life situations. There is a danger in thinking that real life mirrors the ability to wrap things up in a tidy bow in 60 minutes. Television programs and the movies are filled with people casually having affairs, and making it look exciting, romantic and painless.

In real life affairs are devastating.

Always.

Someone along the way gets hurt. Something that was once one way is now changed in some shape or form.

But does that mean it’s RIP and recovery isn’t possible?

Not according to a resource like Beyond Affairs Network (BAN for short)

Ban’s mission statement should be a healing balm of hope for anyone reading this who is feeling the pain of an affair.

Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) Mission Statement

To provide an opportunity for people who are dealing with the devastating impact of a spouse’s affair to come together face-to-face, for strength, insight, and mutual support.

To provide a safe place to share the painful emotions that interfere with recovery and a place to gain perspective and understanding, aimed at thinking more clearly and acting more effectively, in order to proactively move forward, make more informed personal decisions and recover from this experience.

To reinforce people’s own efforts toward recovery, working in conjunction with and not in place of other support they are seeking such as therapy, counseling or marriage healing and strengthening seminars.

To help people reach a point where they are fully healed from the experience and no longer need support.

To become as commonly known about and available worldwide as other major support groups such as Al-Anon, so that no betrayed spouse needs to suffer in isolation.

BAN is one great resource and you can visit their site for more information.

Another resource is Dear Peggy and her Extramarital Affairs Resource Center.

For a great book on the subject read: Staying Together When An Affair Pulls You Apart by Stephan Judah, P.H.D.

The point is: there is help and hope for marriages that will help if your marriage is suffering from an affair. You are not alone. Many couples have survived affairs and gone on to have healthier marriages. In the end, your outcome is between you and your spouse, but rest assured that there can be help along the way.

Let us hear from you. (You are anonymous on this blog)

Has your marriage survived an affair?
Have you and your spouse ever talked about marital affairs?
Do you have an encouraging word to someone because you’ve “walked a mile in their shoes?”

Devoted to You

Posted by Michele Olson

November 4, 1978

As the main writer of this blog and the Communications Director for thinkmarriage.org, I can't help but share this special day with you, wimarriagechat.org readers. It's the 30th Anniversary of my marriage to my husband Ray.

It was a beautiful fall day in 1978, and we were so young and not sure of what the future held. It's amazing to look back 30 years later and think of all we've experienced together.

We're crazy about our family...our son Ben and his wife Sara, and our daughter Molly and her boyfriend Wim. We can't believe we're here, because we remember thinking how amazing it would be to be married five years! There have been so many good times, many hard times too...but through it all, I think of the song we sang to each other at our wedding; A James Taylor and Carly Simon song - Devoted to You.

"Through the years our love will grow, like a river it will flow. It can't die because I'm so, devoted to you."

We had a very "home made" wedding as we used to do in the 70's and my parents and family made the food for the reception of over 300 people. The main dish was spaghetti and we all wore matching red, white and blue bibs...little did we know what a historic day our 30th anniversary would be for our country. (Don't forget to vote!)

I just want to encourage anyone reading this to keep on going...respecting one another...and taking time to be together. It's really "sweet" when you are in it for the long haul and you have the idea deep in your heart through all the obstacles that life can throw at you that you will be there for each other. You will survive the economy, kids, extended families and life. Just remain committed to doing it together, hand in hand.

I look forward to 35, 40, 50 and more Lord willing...because marriage can be one of the best things you ever decide to do in your life.

As the poet Robert Browning said: Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.

No Matter Who Wins, Keep Voting for Marriage!

posted by Michele Olson

Tomorrow is a big day in our country. You would have to be living on another planet not to have received the message that it matters that you vote. Long after we know who our next President will be, there is something you need to keep “voting” for so to speak…and that’s marriage!

A new administration will be looking at all the programs and laws regarding families…so you need to stay on top of what’s happening. Make your voice heard when it comes to pro-family and pro-marriage issues. Investigate what’s happening in your community that supports marriage and family. Lend your time and talents to building up marriage and healthy relationships.

Take a marriage or healthy relationship workshop if you have one available in your area. Watch community calendars on newspaper, TV and radio for events you can attend. Attend Representative forums when they come to your area and learn their views on marriage and family.

Every four years we get all excited about issues and they come to the forefront. The real work is often in the “in-between” times so that when our country gets excited …our issue is a part of the conversation.

Healthy relationships and families are at the core of our country’s success. No matter who wins the election tomorrow…let’s keep “voting” for marriage!

Do In-Laws "Scare" You?

Posted by Michele Olson

Do you find the upcoming holidays a “frightening” thought because of in-law issues?

As we are about to finish up Halloween…it’s officially the Holiday season. (I actually saw all the Christmas decorations already up in our downtown area, but that’s another blog!) In-laws can be one more pressure on a couple when it should be a time of celebration and fun.

Here are some pro-active tips to help you keep the “happy” in holidays.

1) First and foremost is the fact that you are a couple. You are now your own family. That doesn’t mean you love your parents, or your spouse’s parents any less, but you do have to make your relationship the number one priority.
2) Decide ahead of time what works for you, and what doesn’t. Talk about the fact that there are areas of potential conflict, and you want this to be a joyous time. Make a plan of where you’re going and when.
3) Understand that your decision may upset someone. It probably will, but the sooner you make it clear in a loving way that you are setting up new traditions are have really talked about what will work best for you, the sooner people can move on with what has been decided.
4) Don’t wait to tell your plans, be the first to bring it up and let people know what’s happening. That way there’s no chance that it really had anything to do with you changing your mind after they proposed a plan.
5) Work together. Never answer on your spouse’s behalf or commit to something until you’ve talked to your spouse.
6) Set up a new tradition of your own and invite your in-laws to participate. If they aren’t available or choose not to participate, that should be OK with you too.
7) Consider a whole new way to celebrate by picking a totally neutral place to spend the holidays…turn it into a family vacation.
8) Have a signal worked out that lets the other know you are getting into dangerous territory, or they are being pushed into a corner by your boisterous Uncle Ned.
9) Stick to the spirit of the season which is peace and love and do your part to keep things calm and comfortable.

Let us hear from you! How have you made the adjustment to having in-laws and holiday celebrations? Any funny stories? Any tips?

The Silent Treatment- Revisited

Posted by Michele Olson

In 2006 we posted a blog on The Silent Treatment and it was viewed frequently. That tells us that people are experiencing this and have an interest level that reaches their day to day lives.

This is the best joke I’ve seen so far on the silent treatment:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the cold shoulder.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

Face it. At some point in our life, maybe as a child, we’ve been on the “giving” or “receiving end” of the silent treatment. It’s kind of a no brainer. It comes very naturally to some people. That’s why we should be so wary of it. Basic instincts aren’t always the best way to nurture a relationship.

It’s all about “the power” when it comes to the silent treatment.

You, “Human Being A” have a need for love, respect, approval, understanding and care.

You have done something to tick off “Human Being B”, maybe only in their head, but the bottom line is; you have caused them some kind of discomfort. (Again, this may have no relation to what really happened, but in their mind, it did.) “Human Being B” decides they can get their point across most effectively by withholding every basic element of human interaction from you. No warm and fuzzies for you! The grocery clerk is getting better treatment.

In all fairness, this may be a blessing in disguise if “Human Being B” is about to explode and do some kind of damage, they may just be protecting you from what they are really capable of. Or, they may find the subject so painful that they just can’t talk about it for awhile and they need to sort through everything in their own head in their own way before they can stand to talk about it. “Human Being B” may be so disconnected that they won’t even put the effort in to talk about what you see as monumental and they see as trivial.

The most common reason for the silent treatment usually falls into the category of: Human being B has decided “You must be punished and this is the best legal way I can think of to do it and make my point.”

For human being B, at least in the beginning, this is a delicious, heady almost euphoric feeling.
“I’m King or Queen of the world!”
The problem is, as this goes on it can unravel entire kingdoms, and for what?

Ugly things. Pride. Control. Making yourself more at the expense of another human being.

So, what can you, “Human Being A” do when you are the middle of this unpleasant situation? (Very few people reading this will be giving the silent treatment, they are much more likely to be on the receiving end, if I’m wrong- tell me!)

Here are some tips:

1) When you are not in the middle of a “session” ask your loved one if they would be willing to attend a marriage education workshop with you. They are most likely resorting to this type of behavior because they probably don’t have a “better one” up their sleeve. If you would both take the opportunity to learn how to communicate and resolve conflicts when you feel you have been wronged, you lessen the chances of resorting to the silent treatment.

2) Quit making it so rewarding. First of all (and you really have to put on your maturity hat to pull this off) ask yourself if there is truth in what they are upset about. Try to understand what set off this silence even if the other half of your brain thinks they belong in the Jerks Hall of Fame. Let them know that if something is bothering them you are all ears and willing to hear what it is. During the silent treatment, your temptation will be to withhold acts of love and affection. Resist those temptations and continue to do things like a love note in the lunch box. Actions can speak louder than words.

3) If they won’t discuss or share a reason, ask if they are looking for a certain amount of time to be left alone. Make it known you had no intent to insult or offend them, and you’re willing to talk whenever they are ready. Determine if this is actually just a “cooling off” period, and not a silent treatment.


4) When you have done your best to understand any part you played in your current cold shoulder situation, and you have concluded you can’t do any more, then go about your life as normal. I didn’t say it was easy, but it is necessary. Don’t feel guilty that you can’t read minds. If this has become a way of life in your relationship, you may have to seek outside help to break the pattern.

5) The silent treatment when done repeatedly is destructive behavior that can be seen as emotional abuse, depending on the situation and severity. It’ s mean and it’s no way to live. Don’t buy into it and if your loved one will not go to marriage education classes or seek help, you should still seek help for yourself if this is causing you distress.


6) When you aren’t in the silent treatment, see if you can talk about what you are both feeling during that time. See if you can agree that being right or wrong is not the most important thing, but that loving each other is what’s important.


At the end of the day, effective communication is the key to ending the silent treatment. (Ironic isn’t it?)

Have you been the recipient of the silent treatment?
What have you done when receiving it?
Have you given the silent treatment?

Hey Main Street, How is Marriage Your Business?

posted by Michele Olson

You can’t turn on the TV today without hearing about Wall St. vs. Main St. The message is clear…we’re all on Main St. “They”, are Wall St. and they are the villains. We are Main St. and we are the victims.

The truth is probably closer to somewhere in the middle, since most of our retirement futures hinge on a healthy Wall St.

A healthy Wall St. is directly connected to a healthy business sector in our country.
Stick with me! (The knee bones connected to the ankle bone) A healthy business sector is directly connected to a healthy family.

There. Now we are getting somewhere.

If you ask the question, should marriage and divorce be the concern of business owners and executives whether they operate mainly on Main St. or Wall St.? The answer has to be “YES!”
Current research and thinking from the world of economics and social sciences has come to two major conclusions:

1) Happily married employees increase profitability
2) Unhappily married employees decrease profitability

Each of the 1.2 annual U.S. divorces cost society about $25,000 to $30,000 dollars. And we don’t need to look at couples as just married or divorced. Employees within companies are either in succeeding relationships and moving toward happy, satisfying relationships, or they are spiraling downward in an unhappy, hurtful relationship.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who is the more productive employee posed to be contributing at a high level.

That’s why it’s important in these economic times that employers consider marriage and healthy relationship education as a part of their plan to survive this economy. There are countless benefits for companies whose employees are in healthy relationships.

We’d be happy to provide your company with Cost of Divorce worksheets to show you just how much unhealthy relationships are costing your company and to make you aware of an important report called: Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate America’s Business? put out by Life Innovations, Inc and the Marriage CoMission.

We’d also love to do a lunch and learn for you and your employees if you are in close enough proximity in the state of Wisconsin.

What do you observe in your work place when it comes to healthy relationships?

Let us hear from you.