Take Note David Letterman

posted by Michele Olson


Are you a fan of lists in general and possibly the Late Shows Top 10 List?

Here's an overview list of 10 things you can think about that can get you on the road to a healthier marriage. It would be fun if you and your spouse would use it as a springboard to make your own personal list with the title:

10 things I can do to have a healthy marriage.

Why not give it a try and let us know what happens!


10 things you can do to have a healthy marriage

1. Spend time with each other.

2. Learn to negotiate conflict.

3. Show respect for each other at all times.

4. Learn about yourself first.

5. Explore intimacy.

6. Explore common interests.

7. Create a spiritual connection.

8. Improve your communication skills. (check out thinkmarriage.org and take a class!)

9. Forgive each other.

10. Look for the best in each other.


Do you have a top 10 version to share?

DISTANCE or “Am I worth more than $3.92 to you?”

THIRD blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's past blogs) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

Tim lives about 30 miles from where I do, so one of the things we’ve had to work through is distance. I know, I know, 30 miles is nothing compared to some long distance relationships out there, but with gas prices the way they are…believe me, it matters. We worked out somewhat of a system. We’d see each other maybe twice on weekends, he’d come up here one time, I’d travel there one time. We also began talking on the phone every night. We didn’t plan that, it just happened on its own. Both of us have shared since then that our day just didn’t seem complete until we had connected with the other, even just briefly.

Trying develop a realistic plan to get to know one another, be smart about our personal schedules, and not go broke seeing each other was one of the first challenges we faced. It was difficult for me initially, because I wondered why we didn’t see each other more often. Tim was patient and tried to explain just how much it would cost us financially if we saw each other more than 2-3 times a week every week. Not including eating out, or costs of other activities. I can remember doubting sometimes if I was worth it, or if I was expecting too much, or if he really liked me, or…or…and my mind took off, out of control. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. That irrational fear/anxiety/doubt/control that takes over, and if we’re not careful to nip it in the bud it is bound to start conflict, and not in a healthy, everyone wins sort of way!)

It took a few tries, but we figured it out, and I saw his point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me, it was more that if we wanted to keep this relationship at a healthy and safe pace as well as a financially wise one (think quality, not quantity, and also longevity versus burnout) we needed to keep our visits to 2-3 a week. That also helped us keep our own identities sound and stable instead of getting so caught up in one another that we lost them, or left our friends in the dust.
I should note too, that we try to keep our activities focused around things we can afford (we splurge sometimes!), that we both enjoy, that teach us something, and that promote good conversation. For example, within the first couple months, I brought with me on our date the workbook from How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette). In the back is a section called “99 Questions to Ask in the Premarital Process”. I thought, “I wonder how easily he scares?” We have found it to be a very useful tool in addressing topics and helping to shape our conversation to deliberately get to know one another. We called these dates “Business Meetings”, dates that we specifically wanted to address particular issues or topics.

I am not advocating that you make it a formal, dry event, but be purposeful in getting to know one another. Learning as much as you can about the other person is one of the most important things you can do, whether you’re single or married.

It is key in building trust.

What's next for Tim and Sarah? Stay tuned...

Poll Finds Americans Still Believe in Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

Turns out people still know a good thing when they see it. We all know the sad 50% divorce statistic, and we might be thinking people don't believe in marriage anymore.

Not so according to results from a new GK Roper poll.

The article states that marriage is so valued by society that people look at it as a goal in life. If you have the ability to talk to some teenagers, ask them if they hope to be married someday. You'll find even in an unscientific study that they do see themselves married along their life path.

It's also interesting to note that young people who have grown up in a culture of divorce are not scared away from the commitment marriage provides. Instead, they look at failed relationships around them and believe that their relationship will work out differently.

Now we need to let them know that their chances of achieving the goal of a successful marriage is even better with pre-marital and on-going marriage education. Please help us spread the word...people deserve to achieve their life goals.

Read the full article be sure and be sure and share some thoughts on this blog!

First Date, Sarah and Tim

Second blog (scroll down or look in blog archives to read Sarah's first blog) Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

“FIRST DATE” or “I think there might be something to this…oh man, am I in trouble!”

Tim called me a couple days later to set up a date. I was still skeptical.

“I don’t know that I want to go on a date”, I said.

His response, “Well then, we can call it something else, but I’m still taking you out.”

We didn’t end up figuring out any date plans for the following weekend, but we did end up talking for THREE hours, and totally lost track of the time. Somehow we got our plans sorted out, and we agreed on the following Saturday for Asian grille. As it happened, that Saturday night was also the first Packers pre-season game. (For those of you who are from Green Bay, you know what a HUGE deal this is to most). I thought he would try to reschedule our date, or convince me to order take-out and go back to his place to watch the game. I had just come from another wedding reception, and had dressed up a bit. He greeted me at the door in a collared shirt and tie, looking as dapper as could be.

He also made it clear that there was no way he’d skip our date, or alter the plans we’d made just to watch the Packers (WOW- Gold Star #2). We had a great dinner, and then the evening continued as we talked until after 2 in morning. We covered many important topics that first night. How we each approach dating(with long term intentions in mind, and kind of as an interview process, as it turns out!) , things about our families and how we were raised, personal goals, different jobs we’d held; he even busted out his high school yearbook. Scary. I think both of us knew then that there was something of real value between us, and that we wanted to pursue it deliberately, wisely, and thoughtfully.

Tune in to Sarah's next blog when they ponder taking their relationship forward when they don't live in the same city...

The Beauty of the Flag Page

by Michele Olson

Once you've done a Flag Page, you'll find yourself asking other people... "have you done your Flag Page?"

Developed by Larry Bilotta and used also by Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, the Flag Page is a simple online test that helps you understand your passions in life...what makes you tick. It's not a personality test, but it does come amazingly close to understanding what really "trips your trigger" in life.

Larry is the leading authority on understanding people. Rather than a psychologist, Larry is a former advertising agency specialist who built his system for understanding people on the foundation of psychology studies and 11 years of his own research. The Flag Page helps to simplify the complex ideas of psychology in order to quickly and easily understand the motivations of people. He has used this tool to help over 4,000 people gain focus, motivation and a sense of purpose in life. The Flag Page is a simple, on line tool that gives a surprisingly accurate level of insight into what motivates people.

This proven tool has been used to reduce stress and create understanding in a wide range of areas from businesses to marriage.

Right now you can get a free flag page code if you attend a FREE Laugh Your Way Seminar with Mark Gungor of Laugh Your Way on High Def Screens and in-person presenter Larry Bilotta!
July 26th in Fond du Lac, WI and Aug. 9 in Appleton, WI. Register at www.thinkmarriage.org by entering the Classes area.

You can also purchase Flag Page codes at www.laughyourway.com

So...what's your Flag Page?

Meet Sarah and Tim, they're getting married!

Welcome to a guest blogger, Sarah Nass, Brown County Director here at thinkmarriage and someone who is newly engaged! We thought you would really enjoy following Sarah’s journey from how she and Tim met and all the adventures along the way to their wedding. As a trained healthy relationship facilitator, Sarah is getting first- hand knowledge on putting her education, into practical action. Tune in to this blog often to keep up to date with Sarah and Tim’s story!

Sarah writes:

We’ve been engaged for a little over a month now. In some ways it seems much longer than that, and some days I think to myself, “What? I’m getting married!?!!” Tim and I met at his sister’s wedding. (Tim’s now brother-in-law M. and I have known each other for almost 6 years. I met Tim’s sister S. when she and M. began dating a few years ago, and was invited to share in the wedding doings.) We actually only saw each other when the bachelor and bachelorette parties ran into each other by accident. His sister had mentioned earlier in the evening at dinner that her brother was single, and one of us should consider dating him. She listed some of his qualities: good-looking, smart, kind, great job, funny…shy. I wasn’t interested in getting involved, as great as he sounded. Too good to be true? I even said to my friend J. who was sitting next to me, “You can have him, he’s yours, I don’t want him, no way, no how!”
I basically ignored him all night. I did, however, notice just how handsome he was.

I figured there must be something really wrong with him.

Or maybe he’s just a jerk.

Probably is.

Fuggeddaboutit!

Skip forward a couple weeks. It wasn’t until the wedding reception that he came up and started making conversation (read flirting, or trying to). His straightforward manner and lack of any sort of false bravado intrigued me instantly. How refreshing! One of things he started talking about first was the new router he had just gotten in the mail, and how he felt like a kid at Christmastime. Tearing open the packaging. Pulling out the instruction manual. Pouring over it like it held the answers to all of life’s questions. And telling me all of these things with a grin on his face, knowing fully that his power tool obsession was a thing of amusement. “Hmm, there’s someone who knows how to laugh at himself. I dig it. He just earned a Gold Star.” We wound up talking for several hours that night, and somehow he managed to get my phone number as I was leaving.

I didn’t really know if he’d call or not, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.

Watch this blog to follow Sarah's story! Next time... there obviously had to be a first date, but what was it like?

We'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe you'd like to share the story of how you and your spouse met ...feel free!

Free Classes, Free Gas

posted by Michele Olson

Free.

It gets your attention.

Sometimes it's something worthwhile, other times...you feel ripped off. Here is one instance where you can look at the word FREE and let go of any time you've ever hoped something FREE would be great and were disappointed. This will not leave you shaking your head, but instead smiling ear to ear when you consider the positive skills it can bring to your life.

All classes for married couples are FREE for the summer at thinkmarriage.org !

It's true. Yes, that's a $69 value...so cha ching cha ching! But that's not all..the first 20 couples that register in a county and complete the course will receive a $50 gas card once the class is done.

Free Classes. Free Gas.

And you can choose from classes like Family Wellness, 10 Great Dates for Married Couples and Marriage L.I.N.K.S!

Complete details are on the registration area of our website.

There really won't be a better time than this to enhance your marriage with greater skill, spark and fun.

What are you waiting for?

P.S. Tell your friends!

Bottom Line Bill

Our neighboring state of Minnesota has an interesting article in their monthly publication aptly named Minnesota Monthly. The focus of the article is on Bill Doherty, the director of Marriage and Family Therapy in the department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
I’m sure he has something much shorter on his business cards, because he is also the author of 13 books, including Take Back Your Marriage.

As you’ll learn in the article, Bill, a marriage therapist by trade, is all about salvaging marriages. He talks about our unrealistic expectations of marriage in our consumerism society. He also talks about the great benefits that marriage brings…so many in fact, that he wants couples to really know the facts of what they’re giving up if they choose to divorce. He is reminding us about the counselors roll in staying “values neutral” when a couple comes in for a session. He admits that if there are problems, most therapists are trained to focus their energies on supporting the individual in decision making…and that may be divorce. The problem is; couples in turmoil may not be hearing all the options available.

Perhaps you have first-hand experience with this dilemma.

Read the article and feel free to comment on what you think.

Do You Know Your Spouse?

posted by Michele Olson

Do You Know Your Spouse?

That might seem like a silly question, but let this little story explain:

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

You get to write the ending to that story any way you would like!

The truth is, we are all evolving and changing as people through circumstances, outside influences and the very art of aging. It's important to "keep up" with each other and aware of where each other is in our heads. That takes desire, time and skill. A great way to stay on track is to take the time to attend a healthy relationship, marriage education workshop. If you live in Wisconsin, visit thinkmarriage.org and click on the classes tab...if you are from another state, check into what is available in your area. There are great opportunities happening across our country and you don't want to miss out.

Your marriage can be one of the best experiences and most precious things in your life. But, like every good thing you pursue, it will take some effort. Marriage education is a tangible, fun, interesting way to work on your relationship.

What are you waiting for?

Does Divorce Make People Happy?

posted by Michele Olson

Do you remember the famous line about divorce from the popular advice columnist Ann Landers? She advised that the benchmark for getting a divorce or not was answering the question "Am I better off with our without this person?"

You could also interpret that as....would I be happier if I was divorced?

We're not talking here about the cases of domestic violence, which are in their own category...or cases of any type of abuse...but rather the typical couple who have no glaring social ill. In 2002, a team of family scholars chaired by Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago decided to study the question: Does divorce make people happier? What resulted was a study and a report entitled Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages.

They looked at couples who rate their marriage as "unhappy" and then re-interviewed them five years later. With different pathways chosen they were able to follow unhappy spouses who chose divorce, separation or stayed married. Common sense would point to the fact that if you're unhappy and you get divorced, you will be happier compared to those who stayed married "unhappily". Surprisingly the study showed that..no...people weren't happier. It's an interesting study and I recommend you read it to find out what they studied and how they came to this conclusion.

I look forward to your thoughts on the study.

Fun and Games with a Purpose

posted by Michele Olson

There are all styles of learning but one of the most popular is interactive games. poweroftwo.org does a wonderful job of using online interactive web games to teach about relationships. With a plan to grow in the future, right now the site focuses on expectant parents. Currently there is an even more distinct focus about domestic violence. Whether the subject matter directly applies to you or not, check out the site. It's very well done and interesting to see how they accomplish learning through this style...online.

For anyone reading this who needs help in the area of domestic violence, Visit ndvh.org or call toll free 1-800-799-7233 or you can remember it as 1-800-799-SAFE.

Check out the site and let us know how you liked the games!

Happy Father's Day to All the Dads!

posted by Michele Olson

Happy Father’s Day to Dad’s everywhere from thinkmarriage!

Here’s something interesting to share: there is a new campaign geared to African American Fathers from the National Fatherhood Initiative called: What's Your Legacy? They are also promoting a media campaign designed to inspire African American fathers (or men who are thinking about having children) to consider marriage for its benefits to the well-being of their children. Based on inspirational stories, the campaign serves to encourage their younger peers to consider how important marriage will be in their journey to build a legacy for their own families.

The campaign is also supported by the brand new website featuring the interactive African American Marriage Wall. This Wall allows visitors to add a “brick” that contains text and photos telling their families marriage story. This is truly a place to build a legacy for future generations. Because it’s in the very beginning stages, now is a great time to add a story.

To all Fathers everywhere…thanks for all you do!
Do you have any great “Dad” stories you would like to share?

Giving Circles

Posted by Michele Olson

Times are tight and the average person doesn't have a lot of extra money to give. That's why an article I read in the Dec. 07 issue of Family Circle is even more important. The idea is that groups of people, mainly women in the article, get together to pool their money. This can be just spare change or more as the case may be. The point is...when people are upset about things happening and they want to do something, there is often greater strength in numbers. It's happening so much that it now has a name: Giving Circles.

As the article states, a group meets every other month and each member contributes about $10. They put their passion into action and brainstorm ways to help and how they will contribute their monies. Imagine the fun along the way of just getting together over a potluck as your gathering becomes something important in the big picture and something you can all share in!

The article if filled with tips on ideas to start your own Giving Circle. If you're looking for a great cause...of course we at thinkmarriage volunteer to be the recipient of your Giving Circle!

Read the article and let us know your thoughts!

To Get a Good Nights Sleep...Work on a Happy Marriage!

posted by Michele Olson

Those scientists...they're always out there studying something that may be just a no-brainer. If you are happily married it turns out you are more likely to have a better night's sleep than your less content counterpart.

The study included results in falling asleep and staying asleep. A bigger question might be for employers...how productive are your employees who are having marital discord? This study tells us they aren't sleeping well. That's probably just the beginning of the pain. If you want to know the cost to your company of divorce, we can provide you a worksheet.

But we're not here to point fingers. We just want to acknowledge what is and be a help as well. We can bring all kinds of interesting and fun classes to your workplace that can help keep marriages and healthy relationships on track...the type of skills that might help people get a better nights sleep. Just send an email and we'll get you the divorce worksheet and more info on bringing classes into your place of business. Here's the link to read the complete story on how a happy marriage helps you sleep.

To sleep ...perchance to dream....

An Easy Way to Get Involved

posted by Michele Olson

Did you realize that you can contribute to thinkmarriage through ebay?

You can!

ebay has a "giving arm" called Mission Fish. If you are an "ebayer", why not consider listing some items that when sold will benefit the mission of thinkmarriage?

You can visit our Mission Fish/ebay page to get started. We have a friend of thinkmarriage who found us on mission fish, liked what we are doing to support healthy marriages and started listing items to benefit our non profit work. And, he's from California! It would be wonderful if we could get some folks right here in our state of Wisconsin who use ebay and would like to do something that can help. It doesn't have to be big ticket items (although those are great too)...anything you want to sell on our behalf is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance and let your other ebay friends know too!

Thoughts From a Judge

posted by Michele Olson

A Judge Who Cares About Marriage

What happens when a judge cares about marriage?

In June, 1996, James Sheridan founded the organization, Marriages That Work in Lenawee County, Michigan, to address the problem of divorce. He spearheaded a gathering of local ministers and civil officials who perform weddings to work on the issue and invited Mike McManus of Marriages Savers® as the primary speaker. The group met on February 14, 1997, becoming the largest gathering of the type in the history of the county. The result was striking: sixty six members of the Lenawee County clergy and all thirteen civil officials authorized to perform weddings agreed to require education in communication skills and dispute resolution, in addition to taking a premarital inventory, before they would perform weddings.
This was the first time in the United States all the civil officials in a county have joined together to require premarital education. The media went wild. James Sheridan was interviewed by over a dozen radio talk shows from across the United States, the BBC in England and Germany. Articles appeared in publications quoting Sheridan extensively in Europe, England and many cities in the United States. He was interviewed on ABC Good Morning America, The CBS Evening News, The ABC Evening News along with local news shows from Detroit and Toledo. He was also an invited guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Thoughts from Judge Sheridan:

What we have to keep in mind is that the marriage movement is a process, not an event. Each of us has to do the small part we are able to do. Collectively, these small steps will make a big difference. I am a great believer in what I call "the straw theory of life." You have obviously heard the phrase: "the straw that broke the camel's back." Question: what causes the back to break? Answer: the back is already loaded down with straw and that last straw is one too many. I believe each of us is obligated to throw our "straw" on this problem. If we don't, the pile will never build up and the "last straw" the one that "breaks the camel's back" will never be reached. The good news is I can see more and more straws being thrown. It is a long, slow, tedious effort, but the pile is growing. What we have to do is not get discouraged, but keep throwing our straw at every opportunity.
- Judge Jim Sheridan

Hey! Are you doing your part to prevent the “last straw?”

To hear our interview with Judge James Sheridan…visit the media page of thinkmarriage.org

Men Afraid of a Bad Marriage

posted by Michele Olson

A recent Yahoo article talked about Bachelor Carl Weisman, a 49 year old who conducted a survey of 1,533 heterosexual men. He was doing research for a book geared to give women insight into why some smart, successful men opted to stay single -- and help lifelong bachelors understand why they are still the solo man at parties.

He concluded that most men were not afraid of marriage -- but they were afraid of a bad marriage.

"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.

Wisconsin Radio Network asked me to comment on the story. You can read and hear my comments by clicking here.

What is your take?

Do you think Carl is off base…or do you agree with his point of view?

Preventing Affairs Resource

posted by Michele Olson

Affairs are devastating. That's the bottom line. They bring on pain that you wouldn't wish on anyone...always to someone. Through a domino effect they can break the hearts of a wide circle of people. Wouldn't it be smart for every married person to have a resource to understand how to prevent an affair in the first place? That resource is available in a book, aptly named Preventing Affairs by Peggy Vaughan. Still available in PDF format at DearPeggy.com, it's just become available in a printed/bound version through through amazon.com. Peggy also has other excellent books on marriage as well as some great articles on her website.

If you are personally affected by an affair...you will benefit from this book. And for every married person...it serves as a smart choice to realize we need to protect our marriages.

Wisconsin Constitutional News

Posted by Michele Olson

It can be hard to keep up with everything happening on a state and national level. Not every issue gets a big headline in the newspaper. So it's helpful when you can read a press release that summarizes rulings that you should be aware of. No matter what your opinion on the matter is...we want you to be informed.

On May 30th, a Dane County Circuit Court judge ruled that Wisconsin's Marriage Protection Amendment does not violate the "single purpose" or single subject provision of the Wisconsin Constitution. Wisconsin Family Council, who was represented by the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF), filed an amicus (friend of the court) brief for oral arguments before Judge Richard Niess. To read a press release from Wisconsin Family Council regarding this ruling, click here.

Feel free to blog what you DO think and we'll keep you posted as we get more news on this important subject.

The Change in the 26 Year Old Male

by Michele Olson

Author Kay S. Hymowitz, someone we've mentioned before in this blog because of her book Marriage and Caste in America has a very interesting article out that you may have heard about on talk radio, or read for yourself. In case you haven't, here's the link to the article she wrote titled:
Child-Man in the Promised Land

The article focuses on the differences found in a typical 26 year old in the year 1965 as compared to a typical 26 year old of today. In 1965 you probably had a factory job and were starting out your white collar career. You also have probably been married for several years. Jet pack into the future and your typical 26 year old is working in a cube somewhere, looking to climb the corporate ladder and living in an apartment with some single guy friends.

As Kay points out, we are now seeing a trend that has been obvious to "legions of frustrated young women"...today's young man is more likely to stay in limbo in the world between child and man.

She ponders the questions of what does this mean to us as a society?

How has his "child-man" voice affected media including movies, TV and magazines...and resulted in a phenomenon of "dude media?"

What affect does it have on our world that no one is asking this man-child to grow up?

How does it affect Fatherhood?

Read the article and I'd love to see your comments...do you know a man-child?

Are you one?