Debt and Marriage Don’t Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage

posted by Michele Olson

Married? Do you have debt?



According to a recent NY Times article, debt is a leading cause of family strife during the first few years of marriage.

Have you heard -we’re in the worst economy since the Great Depression? How did such a hard time in history get the name "great?" Depressing Depression would make more sense. Wait..back to the point!

The article has some helpful tips, encouraging couples to formulate a “debt philosophy.”
A sample philosophy is stated in the article. It involves things like agreeing on whether you will pay cash for everything or have a certain amount on the credit card each month. How big a balance do you agree to carry?

Questions are brought up about where debt and savings rank among the priority list of what’s important.

Much to the article is adapted from “Financially Ever After: The Couple’s Guide to Managing Money,” by Jeff D. Opdyke. Copyright 2009 by Jeff D. Opdyke.

All this comes down to TALKING about money. That brings us to good communication and conflict resolution skills, so your talks are healthy and productive. Those skills can be learned by taking a marriage education workshop through thinkmarriage.org

Tell us your story.

Do you talk about money in your marriage? How have you handled your approach to debt as a couple?
Read the complete NY Times article.

Happy April Fools Day!

Posted by Michele Olson

So, what trick are you playing on your spouse and loved ones today?

I asked for some ideas from the peeps on Twitter that follow thinkmarriage and received a really good one that has taken place by the time of this writing.

Jen shared with us:

Well I already have this planned with my neighbor and am so excited for tomorrow morning! I gave him the spare set of keys to my husband's truck. He (the neighbor) works second shift, and is going to move my husband's truck into his driveway during the night after we're asleep. Then he'll move his truck into our driveway. I can just see the confusion on my husband's face now! I can't wait!! (I know it seems silly..but isn't the that FUN in April Fool's??

Jen and her husband obviously know how to play as a couple...very important in a healthy relationship. Heard the great tip of switching out the inside of the cereal box...someone starts to pour what they think is one kind of cereal and a different kind is inside. Actually did that one today...good for a giggle or two at my house with my husband.

I did some searching on the internet and there are all kinds of tips for pranks for the day. You can download a fake parking ticket and use it on someone in your family. There are also all kind of quite harmless things you can do to someones computer like deactivating their mouse or changing a setting so when the type words, different words come out.

The bottom line is, you have to know the temperament of your spouse. If this is going to send them through the roof on a stressful day filled with a lot of work, probably not a good idea. Or maybe you had this in your wedding vows: to love, honor and cherish and never play an April Fools Day prank on each other. Some people in hindsight might wish they had added that line!

Have fun today in a sweet way and please let us know some of your tricks and the outcomes. Your blog reply might just be our scathingly brilliant idea for next year!

Movie Wars

Posted by Michele Olson


The economy went in the dumper and so did your couples night out at the movies. So what does any red blooded American couple do?

You stay in and rent!

The New York Times ran a pretty funny article on Sunday about the dilemma that is created when couples share a “queue”, the computer list of which films will arrive next in the mail, after those at home are returned with the company NetFlix.

What used to be sorted out in a video aisle in a store, the article points out, is now not discussed as couples go into their queue separately. Because the queue is shared, couples have been known to go into their request area and move their particular movie choice up to the top.

According to the story, there has been one “Netflix divorce” where the couple just decided to create two separate accounts. Read the article and comment on how you and your loved one decide which movie to order. Have you experienced this little red envelope stressor on your relationship?

Tomorrow! Fun, not nasty April fools jokes to play on your spouse! Send your ideas to info@thinkmarriage.org Getting great ideas from Twitter!

A Husband Chooses to Stop His Affair by "Turning off the Gas"

Posted by Michele Olson

This was a recent letter sent to thinkmarriage.org The names have been changed, but you will find great encouragement from the content. It is a longer blog, but well worth the read. What do you think? Please blog your thoughts. *

I met my wife Jillian, we fell in love got engaged and married. I was a student, and worked in a restaurant. Jillian was working at home taking care of our son and getting ready to give birth to our next child. During that time, I entered into an inappropriate relationship, got too close and too personal with another student and found myself in the middle of an extra-marital affair. I was blinded by my own selfish “dreams” and listening to the lies that were being told by this woman who was not my wife. It was difficult for me to see Jillian’s suffering and needs while this other woman was feeding my ego.

Jillian had her suspicions – she even confronted me a number of times. But without any ‘evidence’ – it was just a matter of calling her crazy and insecure to get her ‘off my back’. Early in February, 3 months after our daughter was born, I had her on my chest. She was having a hard time falling asleep. Eventually she calmed down – by what I perceived to be my presence with her – and I prayed right there that God help me to get out of this lie. I couldn’t escape without His help – I didn’t want my children to know me as the man I was at the time.

Shortly thereafter; I had just arrived home from school, just minutes before planning an afternoon with this other woman. Jillian had spent most of the day on the phone with our pastor, Christian counselor and some friends who were aware of the situation. She had discovered a paper where I had been writing about my relationship with this other woman. She was advised by the counselor to remain committed to our marriage despite this evidence and to see where my commitment level was.

If you would’ve asked me a few weeks or months ago, I would’ve said zero. But on this particular day, at this moment in time, when Jillian asked me “Are you committed to this marriage,” I felt I had to think about it in great detail. After what felt like 15 minutes, I answered ‘yes’. I had ‘my chance’ – it was there in front of me but something else seemed to be driving the bus at the time. She replied “so am I”…

She then looked up from the table and asked – “and what is this?” She had placed the incriminating evidence on the table, and instantly I knew what it was. I asked where she found it. She was getting a baby swing ready to take back to a friend – she reached inside the box and found the notebook I had been writing my ideas in. Within it was a brief overview of a book I was thinking of writing with a stupid idea I came up with telling the “fortunate events” that brought me and this woman together. I knew that trying to lie about the contents, or come up with a lame excuse would not be worth it so I told the truth.

What a concept. Truth telling.

From then on, that’s what it became. Truth telling.

She asked me about the times when I stayed late at school to do research. What did we do? Where did we go? Was she in our house? Truth telling. For me it was release from my lies. For her it was excruciating pain. The liberation I was experiencing was her prison – she was dealing with the part I had already lived through lies. She had to go back through, all the times she had ‘believed’ what I had said about what I was doing, where I was – who I was. She had a journal she kept when she called me and where I said I was. We walked backwards together through the book. I gave every detail my mind allowed me to remember. She would get angry. She would cry. We would always sleep in the same bed though. That was the strange part. After all that infidelity, the lies – we needed each other badly.

The next day, I met with our pastor (he was at our house the night before and coached us through some things) and we talked about the journey I had, how I got there, what was next. One thing that stuck through the whole conversation that he said:

“You’ve got to turn off the gas.” “You can fight a fire all day long, but if the gas is still coming into the house, the fire will keep burning until there is nothing left”

That afternoon, Jillian and I shut off the gas – together. I called the woman, with Jillian on the other line. I told her Jillian was listening. I started to explain to her that I wouldn’t be coming over today, or any other day. She was not to contact me. Jillian and I will be getting help for our marriage. I started to tell her that she should get help too. Without saying a word, she hung up.

The gas had been shut off and Jillian and I began to sift through the rubble that was left. It was difficult at times. Reliving my lies and shining truth into them was painful. It’s hard sometimes to think about the kind of ‘man’ I was back then, what I said and did. The best part about it though was Jillian. She forged through every one of my retellings of the events that had happened. She would get angry, then we would ‘deal with it’ – together.

She didn’t trust me at all, and rightfully so. I surrounded myself with only those that I knew Jillian could trust. I immediately stopped working at the restaurant. I finished my classes at college. I got a new job and really started a new life.

Fortunately for me, that new life was started with the same wonderful woman who said “I do” when we go married. She is the model of true forgiveness – having NEVER brought back anything from my past to use against me or to hurt me. I know that our restoration has a lot to do with forgiveness – she gave it wholeheartedly and even asked for mine of her in return. We are like the patient that was told 10 years ago they had ‘only days to live’ – By the grace of God, look at us now! So much has changed in us and in our families since then. Since that time in our life, we have seen couples survive and fall. We have mentored a few and have even convinced a few to work it out. Because of the hopelessness we had– we see the greatest of potential in almost every “at risk” marriage we come across. We never feel that God has somehow given us “special spiritual powers” to reach into couples’ lives and miraculously make their marriage problems go away. I know that it’s our transparency about what we’ve been through – sharing the struggles of our marriage, and coaching and speaking truth into their lives – that’s helped most of the couples realize the similarities of their struggles. But also too, that God has given me a second chance – to share with other couples how I’ve been transformed by His grace. This has never been out of obligation or servitude… but because I’ve been released from that which had previously enslaved me and blinded me to what is the truth.


*Author's story contains faith based statements.

Does Your Child’s Bedtime Affect Your Marriage?

posted by Michele Olson

Jill Spivack, MSW, author, psychotherapist and mother of two has some advice at momlogic. She has observed in her parenting groups that the parents whose kids go to bed at a reasonable hour, 7-8 PM, seem happier and more fulfilled than those whose kids stay up later.

Makes sense. When kids go to sleep late, there is no refueling time for the parent or the couple. Lack of sleep causes crankiness, resentment and bickering. It’s probably more the reason that couples don’t have sex that the proverbial “headache.” Her bottom line: sleep deprivation brings out the worst in everyone.

Probably an easy thing to implement for couples just getting started with little children, but for those already in a pattern of staying up late…could make for some interesting evenings.

What do you think? What time do your kids go to bed? Let us hear from you.

Read the entire article here.

Busting Marriage Myths

Posted by Michele Olson

Did you get your free Marriage Myth Buster Guide yet? All we need is your name and mailing address, and we'll send one to you. It's a good read if we do say so ourselves! The reason? You're going to learn something. You're going to have some things that you think are true, challenged.

It's also a good thing because you'll come to understand thinkmarriage.org a little better. For example, did you know that we don't believe in marriage at any cost? Did you know that we don't discredit or criticize those how have chosen divorce or happen to be single parents.

Life happens. It's happened to our staff too. What we want to get you thinking about is the impact of healthy relationships and marriages on society as a whole, not just your individual situation. Whether you are married or single, the state of healthy marriage relationships do have an impact on your life...as a whole. That's what we want you to learn more about.

We want you a part of our team. No matter what your personal situation in a relationship is at this time, you can be a Marriage Champion. Get your guide today.

Barbie and Ken Got Divorced

posted by Michele Olson

Barbie, yes “the Barbie” turned 50 this month. She became a part of our culture in March 1959. Ken Carson, yes “the Ken” met Barbara Millicent Roberts on a TV commercial set in 1961 and the two began dating. (She was probably there as a result of her first career, teenage fashion model.) After quite a life which included gigs as an astronaut, nurse, surgeon, Olympic gold medalist, and serving in all four military branches…oh and a run for the presidency, she and Ken broke up after 43 years of marriage. They got a divorce.

Whoa, hold the presses. Divorced?

Some news columns said the relationship dissolved because the pressure of being in the public eye became too great — even after 43 years. Others gossiped that Ken's ambiguous sexuality and Barbie's disproportionate figure finally took their toll.

Still others blamed the break on the fact that Barbie's career and popularity continued to overshadow Ken's. Then there were those who maintained that they were just a plastic couple from the beginning.

That was 2004. What does it say about our attitude toward divorce and marriage when the perfect couple calls it quits?

The good news is, they reunited in 2006. They must have found out, just as many couples do, that divorce is not all they had hoped for. In fact, in the real world, 6% of divorced couples over the age of 40 who divorce decide to remarry. I wish we could have gone to the stores in 2004 and bought the “Ken and Barbie take marriage education workshop” play set. Then they might not have had to traumatize all those kids who had divorced forced on them.

Kind of like real life.

Divorce is necessary is some people’s lives. But for the 70% of divorces today that are low-conflict and don’t involve any type of abuse, working on a marriage can bring a couple closer to happily ever after without the pain of divorce.

Kind of like a fairy tale.

If you are considering divorce and have not taken the time to work on your marriage with such tools as marriage education….learn a lesson from Barbie and Ken. See if you can restore what you once had before you call it quits.

Get the facts from our free Marriage Myth Buster Guide. Follow thinkmarriage.org on Twitter.

How Wealthy is Your Marriage?

Posted by Michele Olson


A great on-the front lines friend to the healthy marriage movement across the country is Julie Baumgardner. She has been a pioneer in many creative and on-the-ground ideas to raise awareness of healthy relationships. Julie serves as the President and Executive Director of First Things First, a grassroots organization dedicated to strengthening families in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

In her recent Washington Times article she spoke with professor Kit Yarrow, a consumer psychologist who teaches psychology and business at Golden Gate University in San Francisco. The topic was of course, the economy! Many people are worried about how marriages are being affected by so much economic stress in the home. Her article and tips dwell on the positive and the good things that can come out of what may at first blush appear to be negative.

Read her article for a boost to your own positive attitude about what’s important in life, and what true wealth means.

Has the economy become a big issue in your marriage? Let us hear your story.

Domestic Violence

posted by Michele Olson

I was about to point you to an article by Steven Stosney in a recent Psychology Today blog when the comment to my previous blog came in. (Click on the comments at the bottom of the previous post to read this.)

Someone saying they are a whipping post, both emotionally and physically.

In the comment you will see an encouragement to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, via website or phone, with a warning. This is for the safety of someone who is being abused, and using a computer that the abuser can see.

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

Our prayers and hope that this recent blogger will take the safe steps to get help that is available 24/7 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-7233

Steven Stosney’s blog talks about Rihanna, Chris and the Pendulum of Pain…the abuse that has been all over the news lately. It addresses the age-old question of “Why do you stay?” Steven points out that is the wrong question. Victims of abuse hardly ever stay. They leave and come back much like a rubber band effect. He says that unlike parties in non-abusive relationships, they leave while they are still attached. As long as they are attached, they are subject to the survival-level force of emotional bonding. For a more in-depth explanation of his comments, that don’t just repeat what you often hear, check out his article here.

For anyone living the nightmare of domestic violence, please realize that there is help, and you are not alone. Use the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Has anyone reading this been through abuse and have some words of wisdom? Your blogs are anonymous. Let us hear from you.

Now, That's True Love

by Michele Olson


Boy, there's a lot of things to read these days, isn't there?





Here's a New York Times article that you must read.

It's marital love at it's finest.



It's a true story.

It will touch you.

It will make you want to value your marriage more. Please, take the time to read it and then come back to let us know your thoughts.
In a Charmed Life, a Road Less Traveled.

And Then The Fight Started

by Michele Olson

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

Have you seen these: And that’s when the fight started jokes circulating? They are pretty comical.

So, what do people in a marital relationship fight about?

Is it the toothpaste cap left off, the in-laws, money, who is in control or sex?

Yes! Married couples fight about chores, time on the computer, jobs, recreation, neatness, infidelity, sex, kids, annoying habits…so many topics, I could go on and on!

Why fight? To clear the air, to resolve issues, for control, to vent, to win…lots of reasons there too.

It’s not the fact that people fight, disagree, have “discussions”…the point is; do you fight fair? Without fighting fair you are just causing lots of bad feelings and not getting anywhere. So instead of the old movie line “I hate it when we fight!” It should be, “I hate the damage we cause when we don’t fight fair.”

Here are some guidelines to fighting fair
· It’s not about winning, it’s about fighting for your marriage
· Listen to hear rather than being busy thinking up your response.
· Don’t assume or fancy yourself a mind reader, they don't really exist
· If you know you are too worked up, take a break first
· Find the “win win” whenever possible
· Forgiveness is an important part of fighting fair
· Use the technique of repeating back, “So what I think I hear you saying is…” and then be

prepared to listen again in case you are way off
· Take responsibility in an honest way for what you have contributed to a problem

Just some basic guidelines for fighting fair…the only productive way or reason to “fight.”

Here’s another giggle:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

Tell us about your fights. Do you fight fair? Can you work on your style of fighting?

The Silver Lining in the Divorce Recession

posted by Michele Olson

Rosemary Black from the Daily News recently pointed out that divorce is the latest recession casualty. Some couples who were planning on divorcing have put their plans on hold. In this economy there may not be funds to hire an attorney, or the ability to sell a house as part of a settlement. One or both spouses may be unemployed.

If you have ever seen our thinkmarriage.org Marriage Myth Buster Guide, you know that we address the greater wealth that comes from staying married. Myth number two is that marriage puts a strain on your finances. In reality, marriage gives you a much larger pocketbook. The fact is: it’s expensive for a couple to get divorced. Then there’s the monetary cost to society. It’s estimated to cost $20,000 to $30,000 in public resources. For example, in 2006, Wisconsin taxpayers spent $300-$500 M due to family breakdown.

That doesn't even touch the subject of the emotional devastation.

The silver lining? People may be forced to work on their marriage rather than give up too easily. For those who can turn this crisis into an opportunity to improve rather than dissolve their marriage, the recession may turn out to be good for their pocketbooks and their hearts.

Full Daily News article

Get your own Marriage Myth Buster Guide for free. Send name and address to info@thinkmarriage.org

Happy Marriage Can Increase Healthy Heart for Women

posted by Michele Olson

Heartbroken over a troubled marriage?

A new study shows it's not just in your mind. It could really be affecting your heart.Researchers at the University of Utah studied hundreds of couples and found that women under marital strain had an increased risk for heart disease, including high blood pressure and obesity. Leaving a troubled marriage doesn't seem to offer any relief for men or women -- the same study finds that divorce also raises the odds of heart disease. Instead, experts recommend counseling for couples in rocky relationships -to improve communication and give men & women the skills to cope with the stress.

Experts should also be recommending yearly marital check-ups and marriage education. Another great reason to work toward a healthy, satisfying marriage!

Read the story here.

Things are Happening Today in Michigan

Posted by Michele Olson

Have you heard?

An interfaith coalition of religious leaders is launching a marriage offensive in Michigan over the next 48 hours.

Convinced that stubborn rates of divorce will yield to marriage counseling and patience, a group of more than a dozen ministers, priests, rabbis, imams and laity have scheduled a series of meetings today and Friday to introduce marriage-saving programs to Metro Detroit couples, lobby legislators for mandatory waiting periods for divorce and commit Macomb County to a Community Marriage Policy, which 223 communities across the country have adopted.
Signatories to the policy pledge themselves to encourage enactment of the five-part Community Marriage Policy program, which calls for six months of preparation before marriage, annual church-run marriage retreats, training married couples to intervene in troubled marriages, a 12-week reconciliation course for separated couples and creating so-called step-families -- support groups for families and couples dealing with troubled marriages.

Michigan had the 27th highest rate of divorce in the nation, with 3.4 divorces per 1,000 residents in 2007, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Illinois, with the third-lowest rate of divorce -- 2.6 divorces per 1,000 persons -- requires a two-year waiting period for contested divorces and six months for uncontested divorces. Although Wisconsin’s numbers are not quite as high as Michigan's, every state should be concerned about Community Marriage Polices that can have a positive effect on bringing down the divorce rate. If you would like to know more about what is happening in the state of Wisconsin email john@thinkmarriage.org

Michigan would also do well to understand the role that marriage education, not just marriage counseling can play in bringing about this policy. Meanwhile....go Michigan! (Read Full Story)

Being in a “Crevasse”

Posted by Michele Olson

This is a story, part of a paper presented at National Conference on Marriage, Malta, 7th February 2009, written by a gentleman from the U.K., Harry Benson.

Many of you will see yourself in this story, or you will see the lives of your parents or someone you know. It’s the tale of what happens in a marriage when people grow apart, and what happens when they are willing to take part in marriage education.

The story is about the marriage of Harry and Kate. There is also an interesting thought about the idea of “crevasse moments.” Harry describes these as moments when a couple realizes they are drifting apart, and they fall into a crevasse…or crevice as we would more likely call it in the U.S.

He describes it as a fall. It feels horrible. It’s scary, dark and uncomfortable to be disconnected from the one you love. And, you have to climb out.

The difference is; with marriage education, you know how to climb out. You know that the effort is worth it.

It’s an interesting paper well worth your time. Read it, and then let us know some thoughts.

How do you handle your “crevasse” moments?

Statistics Show ADHD Increases Divorce

posted by Michele Olson

We all know the statistics about divorce. They are high. Now a study is saying that couples who have a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are nearly TWICE AS LIKELY to divorce or separate as couples who do not have children with the psychiatric disorder, according to a definitive new study that is the first to explicitly explore the question. The reason appears
simple: Having a child who is inattentive or hyperactive can be extremely stressful for caregivers and can exacerbate conflicts, tensions and arguments between parents.

Guess anyone who has a child with ADHD could shout a loud “Amen!” right about now.

The Washington Post article goes on to explain that it’s a sensitive topic because no one wants to say that scientists are blaming kids for the marital woes of their parents. There have been many studies of how parents affect kids, but this is one that points to how a child can affect the marriage of the parents.

What it means is ADHD should not be treated without involving the parents in the treatment. It affects the whole family including the marriage. Just another important reason that communication and conflict resolution skills have to be at their best…another reason for marital education. thinkmarriage.org does have several opportunities every year for parents of special needs kids to take a workshop that addresses communication and how special needs affects the marriage. If you are interested in this type of class, please contact us so we can let you know how you can attend a workshop.

Are you the parent of an ADHD child? How has your child’s diagnosis affected your marriage?

A Word Not To Use

Posted by Michele Olson

There is one simple thing you can do for you marriage. Don't use the "D" word. You will have times when you are so angry you could "spit" as my Grandma used to say. That's normal. But don't use the "D" word. It's not a word to be taken lightly. It's not something to use as a threat.

I'm talking about Divorce.

People do get divorced. Some divorces are necessary. Abuse should never be tolerated. But, don't use the word lightly. Some couples fall into a pattern of flinging the word out every time there is a disagreement. Don't be one of those couples.

Don't say it. Don't imply it.

It's one of the most destructive things you can do for your relationship. It can cause mistrust and fear for the future. And, don't be dropping the word lightly around your children either.

It's a simple thing, but it's something you can choose not to do.

Don't use the word divorce unless you know it is absolutely necessary.

You'll be doing you and your spouse a favor.

Let us hear your thoughts.

Jerry Seinfeld Switching from Single Laughter to Married Laughter

posted by Michele Olson


Is a Seinfeld rerun a part of your daily world?



His successful TV show from the 80’s and 90’s that made us fall in love with Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer took a look at the “single world” all while introducing us to a show about nothing. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Now that Jerry has been married for nine years, his shift of humor has focused. As a comedian and producer, his production company is teaming up with an Oprah Show professional, Ellen Rakieten, to create a new comedy-reality series for NBC.

World Screen reports that the show, tentatively titled The Marriage Ref, will feature opinionated celebrities, comedians and sports stars who will candidly comment on and offer advice to real-life couples who are in the middle of a classic marital dispute.

Seinfeld said of the project, "This is not a therapy show, it's a comedy show. After nine years of marriage I have discovered that the comedic potential of this subject is quite rich."

Does it sound like a show you would watch…maybe with your spouse? If anyone wants to buy an ad in the program on behalf of thinkmarriage.org, let us know. Once everything has been stirred up, the couples will need a strong link to marriage education!

Beware of Facebook Fanning an Old Flame

posted by Michele Olson

Have an old flame...a first love? In the past, it was quite difficult to reconnect with someone from your past. It took a lot of effort and planning. Today, it's easy with the advent of social networking like Facebook.

If it's possible does that mean it's a good idea?

Probably not according to Nancy Kalish, a developmental psychology professor in California State University who was recently quoted in a St. Louis Post-Dispatch article.

She has researched thousands of lost love reunions and has seen the disastrous aftermaths."These feelings can come back," she warns. "And it will destroy you." She's noticed that more people in their early 30s are becoming entangled in an affair that can become an online addiction. Many are married and have little children, she said.

So "playing with fire" comes to mind. People always get burned when they play with fire. So be careful. Fanning an old flame when you are married is simply not a good idea. Has anyone had this experience? What happened?

Read the full article here.

Australia Wants You to Stay Married for Mother Earth

Posted by Michele Olson

We've touched on this subject "in the states" as an Aussie would say...but it's hitting the news in Australia now too. Another good reason to stay married?

You are being much friendlier to the environment. Getting a divorce makes climate change worse and increases your carbon footprint. Being married cuts down on the amount of natural resources we use.

More rooms in separate houses to heat and cool.

Not being married means you eat out more and use more"take home" type containers which end up in the landfill.

It's really quite a controversial subject on many levels... but interesting that it's still a school of thought "out there."

What do you think? Is staying married part of being a good steward of the environment?

At thinkmarriage.org, we belive in satisfying healthy marriages. Find out more at www.thinkmarriage.org Being kind to Mother Earth can be the shrimp on the barbie.

(Read the article here.)

We Bust Marriage Myths

posted by Michele Olson

What myths do you still believe when it comes to marriage?

If you don't tackle the social science research, you could be walking around thinking things that aren't actually true. (Snopes anyone?)

At thinkmarriage.org we've made getting the facts very easy with our Marriage Myth Buster Guide.

For example; Myth #3. Your health is your health. Being married or single doesn't make a difference.

Want to know the answer? It's easy. Just send your name and mailing address to info@thinkmarriage.org and we'll send you a free Marriage Myth Buster Guide. You'll even get some cool Marriage Champion cards to use.

Ready to bust a few myths? Get your FREE Marriage Myth Buster Guide!

Ponder This

posted by Michele Olson

Here’s something to think about today.

You can do something about the obstacles in your relationship. That’s part of experiencing a healthy relationship. A lot of people hit the bumps in the road…panic…and think the grass is greener somewhere else.

Ponder this:
Every ounce of energy you spend removing obstacles will create closeness in your healthy relationship. For example: Do you have unrealistic expectations of your spouse?

Who didn’t?

That’s O.K.

What’s not O.K. is to keep thinking those expectations are realistic and “normal.” You will end up with constant disappointment.

Need an example of how you can do something about those expectations?

Here’s one. Focus on your spouse’s positive qualities.

Be honest.

How long has it been since you really concentrated on positive qualities instead of the things that bug you? You get the idea.

Determine that you will spend a month really working on your relationship in a positive way.
Then let us know what happens. We predict good things.

Sign Up Now For Free Preview

posted by Michele Olson

We've got HOT NEWS! Looking to add a spark to your relationship, or to be prepared for your next "match?"

Online learning is here!

thinkmarriage.org invites you to sign up for the free teleseminars Monday through Thursday. During the teleseminars you'll learn all the details about what you will learn, and how affordable it is to participate in healthy relationship education right in the comfort of your own home.

Monday: 8-9 pm For married couples: Family Wellness (Feb. 23rd)

Tuesday: 7-8 pm For engaged or seriously dating P.I.C.K a partner (Feb. 24th)

Wednesday: 8-9 pm Conscious Dating for singles (Feb. 25th)

Thursday: 5-6:15 pm, and 7-8 pm for Teens (Feb. 26th)

Start your registration here.

Invest in your healthy relationship...attend a free hour seminar.

Easy Relationship = Good Relationship?

posted by Michele Olson

So look around. What do you see when it comes to what you assess to be a good relationship?


No fighting.

Not a lot of effort.

Life and companionship seems to be second nature. Ahhhhh. That's what a good relationship looks like, right? Easy!

If that's what you've been using as the "benchmark" for good, you're going to be disappointed. If a relationship doesn't come easy...just like any good thing in life...it just means it requires some work. Think about the good things in life...they pretty much all take some real efforts on your part. That two-week vacation to the Bahamas that makes you think life is easy was really supported by 50 weeks of hard work to make it all happen.

It's the same with your relationship.

1) Acquiring the skills to communicate in a healthy way and improve your ability to resolve conflicts.

Work.

2) Daily investment of your time focusing on another person.

Work.

3) Being there for someone else.

Work.

There is definitely joy in the journey...but there is also a commitment to working on the relationship.

So...does that sound easy? It won't be.

Does that sound like it could be a good thing? Yes, yes it does.

How do you work on your relationship? Do you think it's easy?


Follow us on twitter.com name: thinkmarriage

Federally Funded Marriage Ad Campaign

posted by Michele Olson


The average age at first marriage is now almost 26 for women and 28 for men. A growing percentage of Americans aren’t marrying at all.

So what’s a government to do?

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families, utilizing their resource center, The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center has decided to talk about it the form of an ad campaign. Because research shows many benefits to marriage such as better health, greater wealth and more happiness for the couple and improved well-being for children…the government does have a stake in promoting an institution that has shown to have those types of results. While opponents will argue that the government has no “business” being involved in something as private as marriage, everyone needs to realize that when Americans are not experiencing health, wealth and happiness…the government is often one of the entities they turn to for help. All of sudden scores of Americans are quite happy to involve the government and their funds into their lives.

The media campaign is aimed at the 18-30 year old group, many who have grown up with no real role model for a healthy marriage. Check out twoofus.org

Here’s the entire USA Today article.

So...what are your thoughts?

It's a No Brainer

posted by Michele Olson

I'm always fascinated by the progression we go through to get to a really good idea, even though at the time the "lesser idea" seemed like the best idea. We seem to have to do this to get to that. Why not hop right to "that?"

Before the personality styles who tend to operate in the factual and black and white tear their hair out...let me get to the point of today's blog!

We know an annual physical check-up prevents all kind of health problems. You find things before they get out of hand and are easily managed or cured. So it stands to reason that a yearly marriage check-up would save all kinds of bigger problems, before they get out of hand. Yet, if you talked to most couples entering into marriage, while they go to the dentist every six months and get a yearly physical...they aren't doing the same service for their marriage. Wouldn't it be great if that was just a "given"...an expectation of anyone getting married? Seems like such an easy idea...yet it's not happening.

James V. Cordova Ph.D. has written a book called The Marriage Check Up which advocates a regular marital check-up to make sure your relationship is on track. You've heard that before in this blog too. Since the 1960's there has been a lot of academic research on the topic. Now there's a $1 million grant from the National Institutes of Health to put the idea of the marital check up to the test. They began studying 189 couples in Feb. 2007. So far from what they know they are finding improvement in overall marriage satisfaction. They are actually looking for more couples in the study. You can read the full article here. His book comes out next month.

Attending a thinkmarriage.org workshop in Wisconsin or attending one of our online workshops, available worldwide, is also a great way to have a marital check up. Free online teleseminars about our online workshops are available Feb. 23rd - Feb. 26th. Click on the classes tab at thinkmarriage.org to register for the free teleseminar where you will learn the details of each workshop.

Marital check-ups. Such a no brainer. So...why aren't more people doing it?

Let us hear from you.

Something for Couples Touched by Cancer

Posted by Michele Olson

With high divorce rates because of reasons not related to cancer, you can imagine the extra stress cancer imposes on even the strongest couples. Loss of routine, erosion of job security insurance and savings, plus a loss of intimacy amid pain and uncertainty; it’s clear that couples touched by cancer face unique challenges in their relationships.

thinkmarriage.org as a part of our Together We Can Marriage Education Series is having a Couples Touched By Cancer Weekend Event March 6 and 7th in Wausau, WI. The one night stay, meals and conference are only $69. If you or someone you know is a couple touched by cancer, get complete details and plan to attend. (Once at the calendar page click on Marathon County and go to the March Calendar)

Love Letter Follow-Up!

Did you give a love letter to your loved one over the weekend? Please blog about it here and let us know about your love letter experience!

We're On Twitter and Love Note Tip

Posted by Michele Olson

Are you on twitter? Social Media sites are exploding, but this is truly a "fun one" and short and easy! thinkmarriage is on on twitter. You can follow us and keep up with everything going on...

Simply visit the twitter site and open a twitter account. You can find us there by just searching thinkmarriage. Once signed up, you'll get our twitters...very short thoughts and updates of what's happening at thinkmarriage.org Just another great way to stay in touch!

So...how are you doing on your love notes? Here are the rest to lead up to Valentine's Day. Remember we want to hear all about your Love Note and Love Letter Experience!

Feb. 11th This is the When We Are Apart I Miss…note:
Examples: When we are apart I miss the sound of your voice. When we are apart I think about how much I can’t wait to see you again. When we are apart life is just not as sunny.

Feb. 12th This is quote from your favorite song note:
Examples: Oh baby, I love your way. or B-b-b-baby you just ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Or I want to hold your hand… or any song quote you want!

Feb. 13th Use your loved ones name or a word and make an acrostic poem note:
For example:
M- Magnificent beauty A-Always so sweet R- Radiant smile Y-Yes, I love you so much!

D- Daring and fun
A-A handsome hottie!
R-Rugged good looks
L-Love love love to be with you
I-It’s you babe!
N-No one else for me but you.
G-Get over here and let me hug you!

Have fun!

The Love Note Habit

Posted by Michele Olson

By the end of this week...hopefully you'll be in some kind of love note habit! While you may not write a love note every day after this week, it is important to be your special someone's biggest cheerleader! In fact in a recent UCLA study it's even more important to be happy for your mate when things are going good ...than when they are not. The study found that couples who respond "energetically and positively" to one another's successes, by say for example...leaving a "Way to go" love note...report feeling happier with each other than those whose responses are more low key. So why not use this week to let your loved one know that when they see a little love note...they are about to feel great!

Love note seed ideas for this week....

Feb. 10th This is the You Remind Me Of….note:
Examples: You remind me of the first time I see a spring Robin. You remind me of how happy I am on Christmas morning. You remind me of sitting with my toes in a pond on a hot summer day. You remind me of that first wonderful sip of Cola after a long bike ride.

Feb. 11th
This is the When We Are Apart I Miss…note:
Examples: When we are apart I miss the sound of your voice. When we are apart I think about how much I can’t wait to see you again. When we are apart life is just not as sunny.

Feb. 12th
This is quote from your favorite song note:
Examples: Oh baby, I love your way. or B-b-b-baby you just ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Or I want to hold your hand… or any song quote you want!

What happened when you left a love note?

Jump on the Love Note Bandwagon

Posted by Michele Olson

Love Notes

If you are here for the first time...jump on our love note bandwagon! To celebrate National Marriage Week Feb. 7 -14th we have Love Letter Kits available. Leading up to Feb. 14th, if that's when you choose to present your love letter...we are encouraging "Love Notes" Here are some seed ideas for your love note.

Feb. 9th: This is the Without You note:
Examples: Without you I would not enjoy every day like I do. Without you we would never have such special birthdays. Without you we would all be wearing mismatched socks, every day.

Feb. 10th This is the You Remind Me Of….note:
Examples: You remind me of the first time I see a spring Robin. You remind me of how happy I am on Christmas morning. You remind me of sitting with my toes in a pond on a hot summer day. You remind me of that first wonderful sip of Cola after a long bike ride.

Feb. 11th This is the When We Are Apart I Miss…note:
Examples: When we are apart I miss the sound of your voice. When we are apart I think about how much I can’t wait to see you again. When we are apart life is just not as sunny.

(Any day is a good day for a love note, so if you didn't use these ideas yet...keep things going after the 13th!)

Feb. 7th: This is the I Love note….
Examples: I love to hug you. I love your smile. I love to make you laugh. I love the way you fold laundry. I love the way you crinkle your nose when you are in deep thought. Start your note with the words: I Love…

Feb. 8th This is the You make me laugh or smile note:
Examples: You make me laugh when I hear you laughing at your favorite show.
You make me smile when you fluff my pillow at night. You make me laugh when you tell the kids bedtime stories in your monster voice.

Remember! We want to hear the stories of what happened with your love notes and love letters...please leave some comments on this blog!

Take Our Love Note Challenge!

Are You Ready to Take The Love Note Challenge?

In honor of National Marriage Week Feb. 7-14th...we are giving out Love Letter Kits. Although love letters are appropriate for any day of the year, many people will give their letter on Feb. 14th, Valentines Day.
Our Love Note Challenge involves giving your loved one a love note every day Feb. 7 -13th, with the 14th being the day you give your Love Letter. Here are the seed ideas to get you ready for the next few days!

A love note really does make someone’s day. It can be as simple as a sticky note, or perhaps you have some cards or beautiful paper that you want to use.
The point is…make the person feel loved. Places to put your love note: on the remote, in a favorite cup, the bathroom mirror, the computer screen, a coat pocket, rear view mirror, water bottle, mobile phone, book being read, lunch bag.


Seed ideas for love notes Feb. 7 -13th.

Feb. 7th:
This is the I Love note….
Examples: I love to hug you. I love your smile. I love to make you laugh. I love the way you fold laundry. I love the way you crinkle your nose when you are in deep thought. Start your note with the words: I Love…

Feb. 8th
This is the You make me laugh or smile note:
Examples: You make me laugh when I hear you laughing at your favorite show.
You make me smile when you fluff my pillow at night. You make me laugh when you tell the kids bedtime stories in your monster voice.

Feb. 9th:
This is the Without You note:
Examples: Without you I would not enjoy every day like I do. Without you we would never have such special birthdays. Without you we would all be wearing mismatched socks, every day.

Watch this blog for the rest of your ideas!
Let us know by blogging what happened when you took the time to give love notes and a love letter!

Online Healthy Relationship Education is HERE!

Posted by Michele Olson

Anyone who has ever come to one of our thinkmarriage.org workshops has learned something to enhance their current or future relationship. It's that simple. Unfortunately, we just can't reach enough people with on-the-ground-classes alone. Now we are adding something that should fit into everyones schedule. You can now take healthy relationship or marriage workshops online in the comfort of your own home! If time and scheduling has been preventing you from taking advantage of learning more communication and conflict resolution skills...online learning is for you!

Each online workshop will begin with a FREE online teleseminar to give you a class overview and idea of what to expect. After the teleseminar you will have the opportunity to register for the workshop...and also the chance to save money in the process.

We have a free teleseminar for teens, singles, seriously dating and engaged couples and married couples. Because it's online, you and your partner do not even need to be in the same city to do the course together.

The FREE teleseminars are coming up shortly in February....

Monday Feb. 23rd 8-9 PM CST Family Wellness for married couples.

Tuesday Feb. 24th 7-8 PM CST P.I.C.K a Partner for seriously dating and engaged couples

Wednesday Feb. 25th 8-9 PM CST Conscious Dating for Singles

Thursday Feb. 26th 7-8 PM CST Love U2 for Teens

Register for the free teleseminar by going to the classes tab at thinkmarriage.org

It costs nothing to find out more...don't miss out!

Remember: Healthy relationships work when you work on your healthy relationships!

Love Notes Build to a Love Letter

Posted by Michele Olson

It's the third year we are bringing the timeless idea of Love Letters to you! You can get a free Love Letter Kit from thinkmarriage.org simply by emailng us and including your name and mailing address. We'd also love to send you a FREE Marriage Myth Buster Guide.

Our Love Letter kits include tips on how to write a love letter, healthy relationship tips and the stationery. In a recent survey more women wanted a love letter than they did candy, flowers or even diamonds! This is your year to write a love letter!

New this year is the love note! Each day starting Feb. 7 -13th...(Feb. 7 -14th is National Marriage Week!) we'll be posting a seed idea for a love note on this blog and on our website. You just customize the seed idea to your life...and voila! A love note! You can put it on the bathroom mirror, in a lunch box, a pocket ...or anywhere you know your sweetie pie will find it!

Could love notes and love letters change the world? We think so. They could also open the door for you to pursue healthy relationship and marriage education. We have great opportunities going on throughout the state of Wisconsin...and now...for anyone as we get ready to do online learning. That will be the subject of the next blog!

Meanwhile, we want to hear from you about your love notes and love letter. Tell us anything...

how did you feel writing it? What were the results? What did you learn? How did it affect your relationship? Please take the time to tell us your story. We want to know!

Six Words

Posted by Michele Olson

Can you sum up your romantic life in just six words?

Maybe I can, maybe I can't.

You get the picture, don't you?

It makes you focus on words.

It's actually quite fun to do.

That's the word challenge that was put out by Reader's Digest in their February heart issue. Here's a sampling...

Where he is, I am home. -- Julia Evans

In hindsight, I'd still choose you. -- Natana Gill

Love: eight pounds and six ounces. -- Kenny Clark

Willing to blog your idea here?

The whole article here, just click.

Blog, let us hear your version!

This could be fun, participate now!

Real Growing Pains

posted by Michele Olson

Today, what turned out to be the most popular independent film of 2008 is being released on DVD. The movies name is FireProof.*

Is it getting an Academy Award? No.

Is it worth seeing? Yes.

The background story includes the fact that the movie was produced by Sherwood Baptist Church...the same people who brought the "little film that could" to the table called Facing the Giants. Fireproof was made for a mere $500,000-chump change by Hollywood standards.

Kirk Cameron mostly known by TV audiences from Growing Pains fame plays the role of Captain Caleb Holt, who finds himself in a rocky marriage on the verge of divorce. That is when Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment known as "The Love Dare." The release of the movie on DVD will allow more couples who are struggling in their marriage to possibly "see themselves" in story form on the big screen. It may open a door for them that they would not have considered had they not viewed the movie. That's valuable.

The movie does contain a faith based message, but also manages to depict what life is really like when things are going south in a relationship.

So now that you can watch this movie in the comfort of your own home...why not?

It can't hurt!

*Fireproof does contain religious content

If The Shoe Fits

posted by Michele Olson

When something big happens in the economy, the “future tellers” come out in droves to tell us what to expect or what this means. One big trend being touted is the idea that it’s better to “repair than replace.”

That makes sense.

Your expensive shoes wearing out? Better to get them resoled than to buy a whole new pair. Your lawn equipment on the fritz? Better to get it repaired than to buy a whole new lawnmower.

Your husband or wife driving you crazy?

Better to repair than replace.

That’s right. We come from an era of “out with the old and in with the new”…but we know statistically that when a marriage ends, the same processes that worked to build family wealth now work in reverse to drain the bank account.

We already have too many things draining our bank accounts…let’s not add a divorce to the mix.
That’s where marriage education comes in. At thinkmarriage.org (click the classes tab) we have some very affordable marriage education classes that you and your spouse can attend.

You’ll learn healthy ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.

Explore thinkmarriage.org and this blog to learn healthy relationship tips that can go a long way in “repairing” your marriage.

Times are tough. Repair instead of replace.

Maybe what’s good for the sole, is good for soul mates.

I Love You Around the World

Posted by Michele Olson

Reader's Digest recently posed the question:

How often do you tell your spouse "I love you?"

Below is the percentage of people in each country surveyed who tell their wife or husband "I love you" every day.

Australia 65%
Brazil 56%
Canada 55%
France 57%
Greece 51%
India 47%
Italy 50%
South Africa 70%
Spain 60%
Turkey 44%
United Kingdom 65%
United States 67%

Any surprises for you? English-speakers (and respondents under 45) were found to be among the most expressive. USA is up toward the top...but this is one contest I think we would like to win against the rest of the world. (Or maybe we can all get to 100%!)

See the in-depth statistics here.

Strong Washington Marriages

posted by Michele Olson

It's a historic day in our country. Here's something to ponder as you reflect on everything happening. Our outgoing President entered, kept and is leaving with what appears to be a strong healthy marriage intact.

That's an accomplishment in a job that has to be an ultimate stress on marriage!

Our incoming President has shown himself to be a strong family man with a strong marriage at a time in our history when we need to see that. According to a 2005 UC Davis economists study, divorce has an even greater impact on African American children than white children. The study found that in the first two years following a divorce, family income among white children falls about 30percent, while it falls by 53 percent among black children. The study also found that in three or more years after a divorce, about a third of the loss in whites' household income is recouped, but the income of black families barely improves.

Here are some more staggering facts:

Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse.

Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups.

Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives

(More statistic available from: US Department of Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.)

At thinkmarriage.org we know that strong and healthy relationships and marriages are the foundation of a strong America.

Of all the hopes, prayers and wishes we have for the new first family...a strong marriage through President Obama's term has to be one of the most important we can hope for.

Let's Hope This Year Is Different

Posted by Michele Olson

Today, Jan 12th, is traditionally known as the busiest day for divorce filings. That's a sad statistic. The thinking is that possibly people hold on through the holidays before passing on the bad news to their kids.

If you're a tax payer, which is most of us, it's also bad news for you. The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing: First Ever Estimates for the Nation and all 50 States report is available at thinkmarriage.org, or you can download it here.

If you want to do better in these tough economic times, the truth is a family can live cheaper under one roof. The sad truth is 41% of women end up in poverty following a divorce.

Statistics also show that by the time you file for divorce, you have been thinking about it for seven years. Whether those thoughts are floating around in your head or not, why not be proactive? Take a marriage education workshop, read a good book about marriage like How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. There are more good resources listed on this blog.

I hope next year I'm able to write a blog about the fact that January 12th was no longer a day known for the highest rate of divorce filings, but instead, more people signed up for a marriage education workshop or ordered a book on marriage. Now that would be a January 12th worth remembering.

The Military and Marriage

posted by Michele Olson


Every day stress in life can be hard on a relationship, but throw in an allegiance to Uncle Sam and you can imagine the added problems that could arise.

God Bless every single person who has or ever will serve in the military, in any capacity. That being said, serving your country can be tough on your marriage.

Thank goodness that many branches of the military are paying attention to this fact.
Military divorce rates rose by .1 percent – to 3.4 percent- during fiscal 2008, with 492 more divorces that the previous year according to a Pentagon spokesperson.

The Marine Corp experienced the biggest increase…from 3.3. to 3.7 percent. That adds up to 3,077 divorces last year. The Army also increased while the rate dropped .2 percent in the Navy and remained stable in the Air Force.

The military services are now providing a full range of outreach programs. They are often offered through the services’ family support, chaplain and mental health counseling networks.

If you are in the military, or have a family member or friend serving our country…encourage marriage education for every military couple. That includes couples who are done with their service and are adjusting back to civilian life.

To read more on this subject visit The Military Family Network.

Want to thank a military person or couple for their service to our country? thinkmarriage.org has gift certificates available for healthy relationship/marriage workshops in six Wisconsin counties.

Tell us your story as a couple in the military.

Virginity Pledge Study Reminds Us to Beware of Sound Bites

posted by Michele Olson


Coffee is good for you. Coffee is bad for you. A different sound bite each day. Unless you go and read the details of each study, you will form your opinion based on short sound bites and newspaper headlines.

Upon delving into a study on coffee, you may find coffee in moderation is good for you, but excessive “Joe” will cause other problems.

Unless you dig a little, you won’t get to the story behind the story.

That’s what has happened with a recent study published in the Jan. 1 edition of Pediatrics. The author concluded that teens who take a virginity pledge until marriage really don’t behave any differently who those who don’t take a pledge.

Here’s what you saw in the headlines:

Virginity Pledges Don’t Stop Teen Sex - CBS

Premarital Abstinence Pledges Ineffective, Study Finds - Washington Post

Study: Teens Who Pledge Abstinence More Likely to Have Unprotected Sex
-Fox News

As a parent or someone who works with teens, you are probably thinking…"Well, so much for that idea…”

Not so fast.

William McGurn in an Opinion Journal on the Wall Street Journal website has posted an article
highlighting the disconnect noticed in the study by Dr. Bernadine Healy, former chief of the National Institutes of Health (the first woman to hold the influential post), former head of the American Red Cross, and former deputy director of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy.

Dr. Healy points out that the only way the study author, Janet Elise Rosenbaum of John Hopkins University could come to such results is by comparing teens who take a virginity pledge with a very small subset of other teens: those who are just as religious and conservative as the pledge-takers. She brought to light the fact that “virginity pledging teens were considerably more conservative in their overall sexual behaviors than teens in general, a fact that many media reports have missed cold.”

It’s not the pledge itself that distinguishes these kids from most teenagers. The real difference is their more conservative and religious home and social environment. When comparing both groups with teens at large, the behavioral differences are striking.

Those differences are listed in the opinion piece, which is well worth reading.

That's quite a different story than what you can garner from the headlines.

That, as Paul Harvey for is famous for saying, Is the Rest of the Story.