Reflections on a Marathon

Recently more than 6,000 people ran right in front of my house…I am on the route of a Marathon that starts at Lambeau Field and about a quarter of the way through, goes by my house. I get out front in my driveway and sit in my lawn chair or stand and cheer on the runners. Way to go! Good job! You can do it! The truly talented and people who would be deemed as “athletes” always have the bigger crowds in the beginning…they have the right outfits, the right bodies, and it all comes together. It reminds me of how we often start out in marriage. We’ve worked to have everything just right…the dress, the tux, all the latest wedding attire done to our taste and perfection. The world is our oyster…we only see the upside of everything.
As I continue to watch the Marathon from my driveway the scene starts to change. Less than perfect running bodies begin to appear, people are going slower, they look fatigued and often discouraged. These are the runners who need and appreciate encouragement.
It’s just like that with marriage. When the honeymoon is over, we can start to lag…the crowds aren’t cheering us on anymore, we don’t always have the right body or the right outfit. That’s when we really have to keep our eye on the prize…the finish line.

It reminds me of what we’re doing at thinkmarriage.org. We’re promoting the gold standard, preparing for marriage, protecting the marriage you are in and passing on the legacy of a great marriage. It’s not always easy, there are discouraging moments, but overall we keep putting one foot in front of another spreading the message that healthy marriages are beneficial to the well-being of children and adults. We need them.

We need to value the gold standard, no matter where we are in life. You may be single, engaged, married, divorced, a single parent or and empty-nester…whatever your stage in life…press for the gold standard. Train for healthy relationships like you would train for a marathon. We have classes for people who want to be married someday and people who are currently married. Just like running before the race, taking classes before you get married is important. Working on your marriage is imporant...runners don't quit and those committed to marriage don't quit either. (Of course in the case of abuse and domestic violence...that's a different story)

We can’t all run marathons, but we can all promote healthy relationships.
Are you in? On your mark…get set…GO!

An Interesting Oprah Experience!

When you hear you might get to be on the Oprah show, that's a pretty exciting idea for any organization or entity trying to "get the word out"! It all began when our PR partners noticed that the Oprah show had a page on their website looking for people to comment on the recent statistic that stated for the first time in history more women in the U.S. are not married than are married. This led to a discussion with the producers by our publicst about marriage, so we were invited down to be part of the studio audience. Our publicist and I headed down to the show hoping to talk about thinkmarriage.org and some of the ramifications of what that statistic meant. After arriving, we realized that even though we were back stage in a special guest area, she was the only one who might speak....(The clue? Going to hair and make-up and recieving a microphone cleverly hidden in a lapel!) We then found out, she was really there as a person who had an opinion on marriage, and was not free to mention anything about our organization. That meant it was up to me to hopefully be called on when people were able to comment. The show which aired 4/6/07 was really on a wide variety of subjects...marriage being a very small portion of the discussion. When our publicist was called on and said that she felt marriage was very important, and was concerned about single parenting and the bad example celebrity marriages often set, the tone was totally changed to an attitude of: "Women finally have realized they can live without a man if they want to...they don't have to feel that they have to be married, that marriage makes them complete...you can be empowered to raise a child by yourself" etc. I of course was breaking my arm trying to get called on to comment on the fact that the statistic was a sad one, the breakdown of marriage and the family greatly affect children...and there are a world of statistics showing that children from broken homes live in circumstances that often lead to poverty, are 14 times more likely to suffer abuse, do poorly in school, use drugs and get pregnant as teenagers...and they are 22 times more likely to end up in jail. Does that mean everyone? Of course not...the point is we don't see marriage as the gold standard anymore and the best way to raise children, with a mother and father in the home, working on a healthy marriage. We're applauding the opposite and not realizing the price we are paying in social ills. Read an excellent article that I would like Oprah to explore on our website....www.thinkmarriage.org, click on research and articles http://www.foundationformarriage.org/html/articles.html

The article entitled The Black Family, 40 years of Lies is written by Kay S. Hymowitz who wrote a book called; Marriage and Caste in America. It's time to look at the facts and be careful what we celebrate. What do you think?

Posted by : Michele Olson

Way Beyond The Moon

posted by Michele Olson michele@thinkmarriage.org

On Sept. 12,1962, President John F. Kennedy spoke before 40,000 people at a stadium in Houston and here's an excerpt of what he said:

"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win."

If you remember your history lesson, we did it. We went to the moon. Shortly before that time, in 1957, our divorce rate was at 25%. Now, in 2007, we are at a 50% divorce rate.

In the 50's, many people thought we could never accomplish a moon mission. A manned moon landing posed daunting and technical challenges. Most people derived their understanding of this undertaking from Walt Disney's program on TV which showed in scale models what a rocket to the moon would entail. They would believe it was true only when they saw it with their own eyes.

Meanwhile, other people didn't just sit around and wait for it to happen. Monies were appropriated, strategies were designed, and people in the space program began to work in earnest, step by step, even after many setbacks, to make this fantasy - a reality.

So, here we sit on the doorstep of a grassroots marriage movement in Wisconsin. Some people are sitting around wondering if there is anything we can really do about the breakdown of the family and the domino effect that follows. They'll believe it when they see it with their own eyes.

But we're hoping, you dream bigger, that you are a visionary too. Soon, we'll be revamping our website and rolling out a new idea:

thinkmarriage is an easier way to remind you to think about marriage...and to spread the word. We're still Foundation for a Great Marriage as our "parent" entity, but thinkmarriage is what you're going to see and hear more about in the future, the "brand" name we are going forth with.

If you're single: Prepare for a possible marriage someday. Read the resources on our website telling you what you can be doing now so you don't have to be a statistic, or just "hope" you have a happy marriage. Check out our calendar for the classes that will be ongoing like How Not to Marry a Jerk or Jerkette.

If you're married already: Protect your marriage. 10 Great Dates is a class we have going on right now...you and your spouse head out on 10 great dates. Read about it at our website. http://www.thinkmarriage.org/ You'll also find a wealth of resources that will give you many things to do to enrich and protect your marriage.

If you've been married for a while think about Pass On, passing on the heritage of a great marriage to your family and circle of influence.

Talk about marriage.

Bring it up with your friends.

Think about marriage.

Tell people about us and what we're doing and tell us about what you're thinking about.

Email us, connect with us...let us hear from you. We've made our blog address easier too!

www.wimarriagechat.org

Investigate our website and see where we can work together to make things happen.

This isn't rocket science. It's a down-to-earth idea whose time has come. The majority of all our social ills fall on the doorstep of the breakdown of the family. Our site is full of statistics that tell the sad story. So as we roll out thinkmarriage, we need you.

thinkmarriage, just like President Kennedy's speech indicated about space travel will "serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win."

... and with your help, we do intend to win.

The cost of losing is far too high.

Now It's Your Turn!

posted by Michele Olson

1,000 Love Letters are going out into the city of Green Bay and no matter where you live, you can participate. Even if you aren't a kit recipient, you can be a part of this wonderful event by sending a love letter this week. The tips are geared to your spouse, or romantic loved one, but you can also adapt the tips to send a letter to a parent, a sibling, a best friend, or anyone you really want to express your feelings to. Here are some tips to get you started:

Tips on Writing a Love Letter!
Clear your desk and your mind of distractions. If you love someone enough to craft this letter, he or she deserves your full attention.

Place a picture of the one you love in front of you and put on your favorite music.

On another sheet of letter paper, make two lists: a) the unique qualities you love about him/her; b) your hopes for the future together.

Personalize the love letter salutation. "Dear ___ ," or "To my darling _____," are both fine.

In the body of the love letter, begin by telling him/her what you think makes him/her so special. List at least three different qualities of the one you love in the letter, ideally emotional, physical, and spiritual ones.

In the following paragraph of your love letter, share your hopes and dreams for the future you can have together.

Personalize the closing of the letter. "I will love you always," "Loving you forever," "My heart is yours," are all good possibilities.

Mail or deliver your letter.

Then expect great things. We'd love to hear right here on this blog what happened when you sent your letter...your stories will encourage many others to take the time to write a love letter.

Come back often and let's see what happens. This could change our world!

Can Love Letters Change the World?

posted by Michele Olson; michele@foundationformarriage.org

With the "Big" holiday of Valentines day coming up on Feb. 14th, most people won't realize that another celebration is taking place from Feb. 7th -Feb. 14th...It's National Marriage Week!

In honor of this wonderful week, we at the Foundation for a Great Marriage are celebrating in a unique way on Feb. 9th. We've put together 1,000 Love letter kits to hand out. Each kit will contain stationery, a stamped envelope, a pen and tips on writing a love letter.

So, what will be the results of 1,000 PLUS love letters going out into the universe?

We're hoping we won't have to guess! We want everyone who writes a love letter to blog back some results of what happened when you sent your love letter!

When was the last time you wrote a love letter to your spouse, especially if you aren't newlyweds? We're all pretty good about signing the word "love" at the end of a greeting card that has the sentiment "I'm sure I don't say it enough", but that doesn't quite go far enough in really getting out some heartfelt thoughts.
We fall closer to the old story about the lady who complained that her spouse never told her that she loved him. When asked why he replied "I told her once, and if anything changes, I'll let her know! "

So what about you? Even if you aren't getting a kit...can we count on you to join the celebration and send a letter?

It's really quite simple. Find a quiet place, and take a moment to clear your thoughts. Put on some of your favorite music, put a picture of your loved one in front of you and start to write.
To truly make it a special letter, write about all the things you cherish about your loved one. Add your personality...do you like to doodle...or write rhymes? Does a verse or chorus of a song come to mind? Add it in! Really express yourself in a new and fresh way.

Can love letters change the world? We think they can. Best of all, they can change your world with your loved one.

And, they can change you.

On Feb. 9th send a love letter and then tell us the stories of what happens.

We'd love to hear from you!

P.S...Send this blog to all your friends so they send love letters on Feb. 9th...we're counting on you!

Bringing Up Marriage in 2007

Author Note: You'll notice a change in the tone of the blog in this New Year...many thanks for all the great educational articles previously posted, and don't forget to visit them in the archives! I'm Michele Olson, Communications Director at Foundation for a Great Marriage, and you'll notice that we're moving to a more conversational mode. We really want to hear from you and your thoughts on marriage in our culture. Please blog often, the blog will never be as good as it could be if you aren't participating! Blessings to all!

If you’ve been attending some holiday parties the past few weeks, you’ve probably made more than your share of small talk. From sport teams to the weather to family news, you’ve been bringing up topics and lending your thoughts to the conversations.

This year, why not bring up a topic that may be a surprise to your circle of friends and colleagues.

Talk about the state of marriage here in Wisconsin.

Stay with me, it really is something worth thinking about.

Ask people if they think about it much, and what they feel about marriage. See if anyone has given much thought to the sad statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce.

If you think bringing up this topic could be the proverbial “wet blanket” and cause a few eyes to roll, let’s imagine what the conversation could be like.

You: Hey, anyone else tired of hearing the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce?

Them: Yah, we’re tired of it. But, that’s the way it is…anyone see that new reality show?

You: Wait a minute... I’ve decided that I can’t live with that statistic. In fact, the very act of thinking about marriage and what it means to us as a community has really stirred up something inside of me…

Them: Really? There are a lot of things to think about; world hunger, poverty, wars, crime…

You: All important, no doubt…but it’s good marriages that are at the root of the well-being of children, the prevention of poverty, the dignity of women and men…the health of our society really stems back to the health of our marriages.

Them: Sounds like you have been thinking about marriage! I guess I can honestly say, I have never given much thought to the fact that I should think about marriage… that I could do anything to affect the breakup of the family.

You: What would be the impact if we agreed to just start thinking about the importance of marriages and healthy families…what would be the effect? What kind of conversations would we hear at the water cooler and the local coffee shops? Just getting the conversation going could make a big difference

Them: Sounds easy enough, to really start exploring what that statistic of 50% divorce rate means and learning more about it. What got you so excited? How did you begin?

You: I went to the internet and found out that there are other people that are thinking about the importance of marriage. A great first stop is an informative website that has wonderful resources in the form of articles and programs that promote marriage…www.foundationformarriage.org
Explore the site. That’s a good first step. Next…I’m going to bring up the topic of marriage, and get people talking. I want to do something about the marriage statistic because in the end…statistics are people, and people matter.

Them: Explore a website and start thinking and talking about marriage. Sounds pretty doable for anyone.

You: Are you with me?


Are you with us? Can we count on you to explore the website at www.foundationformarriage.org? You’ll find a wealth of information in the resources and research area…enough to get you thinking about marriage and bringing it up in your next conversation!

We’d love to hear your stories of what happens when you bring up marriage…
Together we can affect a really sad statistic…

Let us hear from you!

Humor in Marriage

By Debra Bosacki

Unpredictable, spontaneous moments can bring humor into our marriages and break the ice when things are tense. Laughter will help you cope when times are tough. Don't wait for your spouse to be funny, find opportunities to laugh.

I will never forget the day that I walked into a local grocery store and spotted my husband standing close to the check-out. I ran to him and planted a big kiss on his lips. As onlookers watched, he pushed me away and loudly said,

"I am sorry Ma'am, I am a married man!"

I desperately tried to save myself and said, "What do you mean, I'm your wife?"

With a straight face he said even more firmly, “Ma'am I am sorry but I am a married man!”

“What?” I said, as he watched me squirm and turn five shades of red.

Then, a wide grin spread across his face and we both broke into laughter.

Although this happened ten years ago, this memory still brings a smile to my face. Humor can add life to your marriage, but when relationships are struggling this may seem difficult to do. However, don't wait for your spouse to make the first move. You make the first move. If it doesn't work the first time, don't give up. Try again, your laughter will become contagious and will set the tone for your relationship.

Medical research shows that laughter is beneficial to you physically, emotionally and relationally. It has been found that laughter releases chemicals in your brain which stimulates your immune system. Laughter reduces stress and tension, lowers your blood pressure, helps you to put your life into perspective, and produces a general sense of well being that lifts your spirits. The findings on laughter go as far back as the book of Proverbs. Proverbs chapter 17 verse 22 says, "A glad heart makes a healthy body, but a crushed spirit makes the bones dry."

When was the last time you and your spouse enjoyed a healthy dose of laughter? Like yawning, laughter is contagious and it’s free. Start looking for ways to bring laughter into your marriage. If you need a jump start, we suggest Mark Gungor’s seminar, “Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage.” You can attend a live seminar or experience this seminar on DVD, in the comfort of your own home.

There are a lot of comedians that make people laugh, and there area lot of speakers who give people really good information, but "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” does both. It is a HILARIOUS look at life, love and marriage. You will laugh and learn as Mark takes you on the journey of how to understand men and women, with titles like:

"Tale of Two Brains"
"How to Stay Married and NOT Kill Anybody""Why Does He/She Do That?"
"The #1 Key to Incredible Sex!"

To order: Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage DVD.

To see if the live seminar is coming to your area go to http://www.laughyourway.com/.

Ten Great Dates

Maybe you have asked yourself, “Where is the romance that we had when we first met”?

If real life has set in, stealing the spark in your relationship; it’s not too late to rekindle the romance in your marriage.

Authors and Marriage educators, David and Claudia Arp, offer valuable information and help through their books and programs.

Whether you are dating, engaged, married or empty nesters we suggest the following courses to enrich your relationship.

10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage

Drawing upon the best tips from David and Claudia Arp's popular Marriage Alive Seminars, 10 Great Dates helps spark romance with memory-making evenings built on key, marriage-enriching themes. Enjoy your dates alone as a couple or use this resource to initiate an ongoing marriage enrichment program for your church or group.

10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters

It's just the two of you again and it's time to renew your relationship. You can reconnect and reclaim that same spark, excitement, and creativity you experienced before you had kids through ten innovative, fun dates guaranteed to spice up your marriage.

We occasionally offer a Ten Great Dates Class. Check our website to see if we are offering this class in your area.

For more information about their other programs or to order theses books, go to the Marriage Alive Website.

In Sickness and in Health: Dealing with Depression

When marriage vows are given, the words, “in sickness or health, for better or worse, until death do us part” are quickly stated. It may be years before the test of sincerity arrives with a disease or misbehavior that strains the marriage. At such times, couples may be sorely tempted to end the marriage.

A research team at Pennsylvania State University, the University of Nebraska and Virginia Tech, have been monitoring about 2,000 couples, since 1980 on a variety of issues, including health. John Edwards, professor of sociology at Virginia Tech says, "What we find is that declines in health have an adverse influence on marital quality." (Kilborn, May 1999)

Susan Dutton Freund, president of Foundation for a Great Marriage, says, "keeping your vows is worth it - especially in times of crisis."

Recently Susan had the opportunity to interview a woman who survived a marital crisis caused by her husband’s depression.

Susan: How long have you been married?

Beth: Bill and I have been married for 25 years.

Susan: And has Bill been healthy the entire time?

Beth: On the whole he has been healthy until recently. He has always been the main provider for our family, while I stayed home and took care of our 5 children. So when he got sick and couldn’t work, it really created a financial crisis for us.

Susan: When and how did he get sick?

Beth: Early in our marriage he was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance that causes depression. For years he took medication to keep him in balance. But then one day a friend convinced him he should stop taking his medication. The friend made him feel like he was doing something wrong by using conventional medicine, so he quit taking it without consulting his doctor. Shortly thereafter he started becoming volatile and angry. This went on for 2 1/2 years, progressively worsening. One day he finally raised his hand and almost hit me. At that point I told him that if he did not go for help, I would have to leave him.

Susan: That must have been a really tough time for you. Two and a half years can seem like an eternity for a relationship.

Beth: I felt like my world was falling apart. My home was no longer a safe place for me. I felt such a loss. Who was this man that I was married to? Where was the father of my children? I didn’t know him anymore. I was afraid of the future and felt intense pain and loss. Because it was a daily event, I felt like I could not take much more.

Susan: How did the situation get resolved?

Beth: I finally went to his doctor with him. He told us that cutting out Bill’s medication so abruptly caused his brain to have a severe chemical change which altered his personality. The doctor prescribed new medication but it took months to find one that worked. Meanwhile Bill sunk deeper into depression, so much so that he could hardly walk around the block. I wasn’t sure if he would ever be well again.

Susan: What kept you beside him?

Beth: Some of my friends advised me to leave him, but I remembered my commitment to him, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health”. So I decided to stick by him, even when things got tough. During the illness a friend took me out to eat weekly. This brought a sense of normalcy to my life and a much-needed escape from the stress. I also prayed a lot! It took a long time, but I’m glad that I stayed. Eventually his chemical imbalance came under control and I had my wonderful husband back!

Beth and Bill’s case had a happy ending because of Beth’s perseverance. When any debilitating illness or severe injury occurs, it is natural to feel loss, frustration, anger and depression. Over time both spouses are likely to struggle with such emotions. That is when it’s especially important to reach out for help from trained professionals who will work not only with any physical needs, but the emotional ones as well.

If your spouse becomes depressed:

• See a doctor together. Discuss not only the symptoms of the affected spouse, but the toll it is taking on you individually and as a couple.
  
• Reaffirm your commitment to each other.


• Spend time together, doing something that you both enjoy.


• Try to remain encouraging toward one another. Focusing on your spouse’s needs can actually help lift your spirits when you’re depressed.


• The supporting spouse should be sure not to neglect him or herself. You can’t help your spouse unless you remain healthy. Activities outside of your home will help keep you sane. Enlist family and friends to give you necessary breaks from the situation.


• Get emotional support for both of you. Consider getting help separately, and be sure to see whoever it is on a regular basis. But avoid people who push you to give up on the marriage.
  
• For some people, keeping a journal may be a great way to unload negative emotions and relieve stress. Writing can be a safe way to vent feelings that would damage a relationship if directly expressed. And often the act of writing them down causes them to lose their steam.


• If you have a faith tradition, spend time in prayer or meditation. Studies show that both prayer and meditation actually alter brain wave patterns and can produce deep relaxation.


• Make up your mind not to become bitter, but better!

When depression strikes, seek help for it immediately. Depression can cause physiological changes in the brain that become more resistant to change the longer they last. Consider using an approach to treat it that combines both medicine and therapy. And be sure to continue putting energy into your marriage so that you emerge not only as an intact couple, but a much stronger one.

How to Stay Married for Life

Two, twenty-something filmmakers went looking for the secret to lifelong marriage. Mat Boggs and Jason Miller cooked up “Project Everlasting” to document what couples married for at least 40 years had to say about why their marriage lasted. Their hope is to help young people of their generation learn how to stay married.

After hundreds of hours of interviews, they discovered some common themes. Guess what? The list is composed of plain, old-fashioned values.

Top 5 Secrets of long-married couples:
1. Being uncomfortable (suffering) for the sake of the marriage
2. Respecting each other
3. Putting the marriage first, before work or even children
4. Sacrificing for each other
5. Sticking with the marriage no matter what happens

We would like to point out that these are more than just a philosophy of marriage. These are actions that the long-term couples have taken that have kept their marriages together. The couples that have stayed together have suffered for it, put their spouse’s feelings and needs ahead of their own, made their marriage their first priority in life, and stuck with it even when they got much worse than they bargained for.

In other words, the bottom line for a lifelong marriage is being a person who will stick to your word to love, honor and cherish, no matter what it costs you. Not very glamorous, but, if you listen to these couples, deeply rewarding in the long run.

Read an article on Project Everlasting from the Deseret Morning News. Order the documentary on DVD from the producers.